"School refusal" trend

This is really really sad and I hope they’re better now.

im wondering though how you prepped them for adulthood? Qualifications etc? Getting a job and holding it down when times are tough.

@Kta7 would you mind sharing the online school you use please?

Aside from the practical logistics of carrying a teenage child into school, how many parents can seriously drag their extremely distressed child into a place that clearly they cannot cope with.

You really haven't got a clue. These aren't children chancing their arm for a day off school. These are children who are deeply distressed by the school environment for many different reasons. Do you think I should march my child to school every day when his OCD is telling him that every surface, every human, even the air, is contaminated? It is like hell on earth to him. And the vast majority of parents who keep their school refusing children at home, do so for their own very valid reasons. These aren't children who are a bit shy or a bit lazy or who just can't be arsed. These are children who are very often neurodivergent and find school to be a place of torture, of sensory overload and relentless stress. I regret pushing my child into school as often as I did, for fear that he wasn't conforming to what's 'normal'. I wish I hadn't ignored the distress signals he was sending out to me every day, begging me not to put him through something that was pure torture to him. I'm his mum and I wish I had listened. I imagine the vast majority of parents of school refusers would prefer that their children trotted off happily to school every day and that they weren't dreading the meltdowns and phone calls and endless negotiations and bribery and cajoling. It's not a fucking lifestyle choice you know.

Indeed - one study found that 94% of school attendance problems were underpinned by significant emotional distress and 92% of these students were neurodivergent. (Of course, many would like to blame this neurodivergence on parents too - refrigerator parenting/poor diet/what we did during pregnancy...)

School distress and the school attendance crisis: a story dominated by neurodivergence and unmet need - PubMed (nih.gov)

These children are not “unhappy”, they are severely distressed. You cannot discipline it out of them!

Thank you @Whatafustercluck. Hang in there, the end of term is in sight!

You're not alone, and I'm very sorry that bigoted and insensitive threads like this brought you to tears. Please know that there are many, many of us out there who totally understand, because we too walk in similar shoes it every day.

I can only speak from my personal experience but lockdown had a huge impact on my DD. Prior to this she was outgoing, active, daring. Typical 7 year old. Now she is an anxious 11 year old who, on some days, can’t face leaving the house, including attending school.

after lots of work, I’ve finally seen things from her point of view. During key formative years, she learned that outside was dangerous and scary. Mixing with people could literally kill the those she loved. Home became her only safe space. She’s struggling to brush off those beliefs.

We are getting there but I do wonder who she’d be now if covid was never a thing.

"Trend" is an incredibly insulting and incendiary way to describe what many parents are going through.

Yeah, I just loved joining in the "trend" of getting punched, scratched, kicked, bitten (to the point of drawn blood) by my then 6yo as I attempted to wrestle (yes, wrestle - deeply damaging and completely ineffective) her into her uniform, down the stairs, into the car, into her seatbelt (she broke the seat in half during one escape attempt) etc.

I especially loved the part where she became so broken, she lay in bed naked, clawing at her hair and screaming "it annoys me!" while refusing to eat breakfast. At 6 years old. She didn't just stop attending school, she gave up everything she'd previously enjoyed - after school classes, friendships, parties, leaving the house. And then, for us, there's all the disapproving looks, the judgement from people like you. There is no 999 for mental health, and no support for undiagnosed children and their families. We paid a private specialist. We're fortunate, we could afford it, to help get her back to functioning. How many parents, in the current cost of living crisis, afford that specialist support when the NHS fails them?

Dd's breakdown brought my family to its knees. She was not naughty, she was distressed. I beat myself up every single day that I didn't realise it at the time. Two years down the line and she's finally been referred for assessment. The wait is another two years.

So you have absolutely no fucking idea what you're talking about, op. Your comments are deeply offensive to parents of undiagnosed ND children of all ages.

That sounds so hard. I'm so sorry that things have worked out like this for you. I hope you get some help and your situation improves xxx

YANBU. I can well imagine the reaction from my parents if I’d tried to refuse school as a child, even though for a while I wasn’t happy there. Unless you were ill, it was simply non-negotiable.

Obviously there are extreme cases, but in general, IMO the sooner children learn that we all have to do things we don’t necessarily like, the better.

@ItssssAMeMariooo92

❤️

I think you're in the wrong job.

If a child is kicking off and refusing to go then I don't think you can force them.

One of mine refused to go one day in year 3, claimed to be ill. I didn't believe him so dragged him there anyway but I couldn't get him through the door. We ended up in a room with the headteacher and he was still point blank refusing so we just got sent home.

If that was my life every day then I can imagine it would be a whole lot more difficult and he would have had a lot more time off.

As far as I'm concerned school isn't optional and I've told this to my kids but they have their own minds so it's not always parents being lazy. There will be some who have the wrong attitude but it's not everyone.

Some of the responses on this thread are so ridiculous they make me want to laugh & some make me want to cry! The idea of just picking up an older child & carrying them in to school- pfft! I’d love to see some of the judgemental posters on this thread try some of their brilliant techniques!
What I have found reassuring is how many of us are dealing with this issue & how much understanding there is generally on mn about it now (obviously there will always be ignorant people).
I do think there should be a rule against starting a thread like this, upsetting loads of people and walking away (I know that’s impossible really). Very cowardly of you OP.

I just wanted to let you know that this post, together with one that wants to blame parents for causing their children's autism, was the final straw that made me break down in tears in the shower this morning. It has been a shit academic year.

DD spent nearly a year getting terribly distressed about going into school in 2019/20 when she was 7 (note that this was before Covid so not down to us taking school attendance less seriously following lockdown 🙄). We dragged her in kicking and screaming, which some here might find laudable but I now regret. It led to an autism diagnosis and in fact the lockdown break was very helpful for her and she was keen to go back afterwards.

Given her history and the fact that so many autistic girls struggle with the transition to secondary school, we applied for an EHCP for her in the hope of finding her an appropriate, supportive school placement for Year 7 onwards. This was refused and so we sent her off to the excellent but huge local comprehensive where her sister is thriving and has great attendance.

The wheels fell off from the very first evening and by the time she left at Easter, her attendance was down to 59%. This is despite me going along to provide reassurance several times a day. We pulled her out and enrolled her in an online school, which thankfully is working out really well but she misses the social side of things and PE. We are also about to start private therapy as the CAMHS waiting list here is 17 months and growing. We are so fortunate to be able to do this for her.

Sadly anxious autistic girls are the bottom of the priority list for the limited SEND support that is on offer. If we'd left her at her physical school it's likely she would have burnt out and the council would have been on our backs about attendance (although the school were very supportive and shielding us from that) despite not being willing to grant an EHCP or provide timely mental health support. I was not willing to let that happen and risk the awful mental health consequences that you sadly hear about all too often. I really feel for those who have no other option - no parent would choose to be in this position.

Try doing that to a child that is taller and stronger than you. what utter bollocks @theeyeofdoe .

Tell me you've never had a school refuser without telling me you've never dealt with a school refuser. 😂

you don't know what's going on behind closed doors and you sound fucking judgemental.

Fwiw, I have a school refusing child (some of the days). Severe depression, severe anxiety, delusions, a huge host of sensory issues, self harming, suicidal undiagnosed autism (everyone involved agrees DC is autistic but we are only 1 year into a 6 year waiting list). Camhs have no resources for talking therapy so we can get only medication, in the absence of a formal autism diagnosis, school refuse to make a number of adaptations, they need a sensory assessment by OT but the local NHS stopped doing anything sensory. The only option would be for school to fund it (which, surprise surprise, they won't as they don't have yne funds either). It's a child with very complex needs and with the current systems (both health and education) cannot get their needs met. DC is spiralling into a very dark place.

So fuck of to the far side writing about kids who follow the 'trend' of school refusing. You have clearly no understanding of the underlying mechanisms

Our 12 year old had what was effectively a nervous breakdown at the point of moving up to secondary school. She was basically catatonic; I had to feed her, shower her etc. She's autistic.

Now, she goes to school every day. Her attendance is about 70%. I have to go up to the school twice a day to meet her to re-regulate. This is a big improvement from me having to sit in the corridor the whole time while she went to lessons. Don't you dare make out like I don't care about education or that I "let" her stay at home on her reduced timetable. It takes almost all of the household's emotional energy to support her to go as much as she can, which is NOT 32.5 hours a week (often around 25). It's the right choice - she has some wonderful moments, recently sports day and winning a poetry award - and more good days than bad at the moment.

School refusal (or EBSA) has always existed. Did you not have any persistent skivers? Or a kid who you just didn't see again after Christmas in a year 8 even though they were still on the register? Or kids who spent the entire school day in the nurse's office?

Otoh it's nice to be thought of as "trendy" for once in my life 😂

I used to judge the parents too, until I had an autistic 6 year old who school refused! He mostly goes in, but it has been mortifying when he won’t. He’s too big to carry, will attack me if I try and no threats make a difference.

So Karma came to bite me and I have a lot more sympathy now that I’ve lived it!

I think people have forgotten the lockdown experience for many children.
During the first lockdown we were given no home work at all, so my DC could play and be at home, which was their safe place. They were happy.

Second and third lockdowns I was expected to juggle a toddler and then force primary aged children to do phonics, watching one of the teachers from their school from a YouTube link. They didn’t see their class mates and it wasn’t even ‘their’ teacher.

Of course they didn’t want to do the home school. Of course they didn’t want to go back. Their friendships were fractured. They had no routine and they had learnt that ‘school’ was a few minutes a day watching YouTube.

I don’t know what people were expecting? Every child to skip back to a desk 5 days a week? No one gave a shit about school attendance for 2 years. That was obviously going to have an impact on attendance after.

My ASD child has thrived since moving to a mainstream private school that has proper discipline. No cacophony of notice in corridors WHB changing class. No classmates throwing chairs at teachers. No random acts of violence between pupils in the grounds either. The difference it has made is astonishing. We as a nation need to ensure pupils start respecting each other and teachers.

School is a very one size fits all approach to education.

I think this just about sums it up. School isn’t just a building, it’s a system. A system that suits the majority, but by no means everyone. My 15yo has just completed a week of very physical work experience. They worked him like a dog🤣 But he really enjoyed it because he was on his feet, moving around, doing lots of different things. He’s very bright, but bored and unhappy at school, frequently zoning out in class. He’s awaiting ASD assessment.

I understand that school can’t be bespoke, but it seems obvious to me that it isn’t going to suit everyone, for a variety of different reasons. You can’t hammer square pegs into round holes.