"School refusal" trend

In the kindest possible way, most 5 year olds aren't suicidal. I'm very sorry you are going through this. I am talking about the majority, were children scream and cry and actually fine at school but as the parents only see that side and have to put in alot of effort they decide the child can have their own way and no boundaries.

I can Imagine you taking my stance personally but I'm not aiming at people who's children are suicidal at 5.

OP you're massively ignorant. I was going to respond but I feel it'd be futile.

@Panpastels thanks for sharing that link, it looks really useful

As a society we'd be foolish to accept that every refusal is true refusal. In some cases, the refusal isn't challenged by parents, until the parents come under some kind of pressure from school or LA.

Not every school refuser is supported to get into school.

The majority of school refuses are being let down by the government.

I’m a teacher working with children with EBSA. As someone else rightly pointed out, it often comes from undiagnosed issues and/or neglect or trauma. It’s extremely complex and extremely distressing for all involved.

Mainstream school is dreadful for a significant minority of children and there are no other options available for those who don’t conform to the norm. It makes me ashamed to work in education sometimes…

I was a 'school refuser' in the 90s (later turned out to be because of AuDHD) and I didn't go for the last two years. But I loved learning and spent my time at home independently researching and reading and teaching myself. I got straight A* GCSEs which I sat in a single room in a PRU. Tell me what it was those two years of school attendance were supposed to have got me apart from burnout, self harm and overwhelm?

Then my DD also school refused. Same reasons, similar ND presentation. I did not make her go to school, because why would I? Just because an education system is set up and embedded for the masses, doesn't mean it will work for everyone.

It's a big signaller of children being in an environment where their needs cannot be met. Huge investment needed into more awareness of neurodiversity and what that means, alternative school environments are needed, support for parents, nice affordable homes need to be a reality. Families are far apart, stress is awful, social media a pressure and no support for parents or children. Pay specialists appropriately.

As I said to another user, take a look at my comment and please do come back to me with a magic answer

Or actually, feel free to contact my child's social worker (children with disabilities team) and see if you can give them a magic fix.

Please come help get my autistic/adhd 13 year old and nearly 6ft son out the door for school. You obviously know all the tricks OP!

Just be careful you don't get injured when he is in a meltdown and don't get too upset looking at all the self harm marks on his wrists because the thought of the classroom terrifies him.

Please do not judge others until you have been in that position.

You've not read a single post have you.

Have you ever tried to drag a 6 foot 14 stone teenager to school? My ds used to be physically sick at the thought of going to school.

Take a look at my post and come back to me with a magic answer please.

Yes. AIBU “to email headteacher about this”.

Sadly that’s my experience too. I have friends who actively teach their child that they don’t have to do anything if they don’t like it. I first thought it was a joke but it wasn’t. This can only end badly but their choice.

Can you remember the name of that thread?

Agree with this - and would add increasing (and unreasonable) demands from some parents who equally have zero context.

See the thread yesterday from a parent who wanted to complain to school about a job share. Parental WhatsApp group with them all frothing at the mouth. Couldn’t articulate a complaint other than ‘consistency’.

It’s the system and environment that needs fixing. Not the parents or struggling children

People just don't like to be a parent or give any form of discipline.

I stopped forcing my child to attend school when she started repeatedly trying to kill herself, as she couldn't cope due to undiagnosed autism.

CAMHS round here has a waiting list three years long; if I had kept trying to send her to school while waiting for a diagnosis she wouldn't be here today.

Kids were fucked on a grand scale by Covid and nobody has the resources to address it; take it up with your MP, and the schools who don't have a clue how to deal, and don't blame the parents who was navigating uncharted and frankly horrifying territory.

Hmmm I wonder if this was going on years and years ago too, but that parents weren’t quite so fussed and there was less monitoring of who was at school and who wasn’t. I know my parents, both now in their sixties often just didn’t go to school and when I was younger, in the 90s, people skipped school a lot too.

But why are children refusing in the first place? I wouldn't have dared refuse as a child unless I had a bloody good reason. I'm talking children without SEN.
Bullying?
Work too hard?
Illness?
Mental health issues - what's causing these?

All these things can be discussed/sorted out with school surely?

Genuinely interested.

I noticed the same as you, OP, and I think it’s shocking how much this is normalised and excused on MN.

In my area it’s a two and a half plus wait list for SALT (don’t know how long but are still waiting!)
A 3 and a half year wait for an initial appointment for autism diagnosis.
A year wait for an ECHP that’s if everything is straightforward which it often isn’t. For my son we are looking at 2 years to get an EHCP as we are having to go to tribunal as the LA have refused to issue. This is despite the EP report saying he needs a 1-2-1 for most of the school day.

Quite often children receive no help or support until they reach crisis point and even then it can take years for diagnosis or therapy to be provided on the NHS or adequate support to be provided in schools.

My daughter is a "school refuser". We have no CAMHS involvement either as CAMHS rejected our referral along with the vast majority of others. She recently had an autism diagnosis - it was the extreme anxiety around school that finally led to the realisation she needed to be assessed.

Having a child who hates school and battles with you every day about going in is a horrible and draining enough experience without outsiders with no understanding pointing the finger at "lazy" parents. I'd give anything to not have to worry every day about my child’s future.

My (ASD) DS (11) will refuse to go to school some days. If you have a way for me to make him go I would love to know?

Things that don't work (just to help you out):

Bribes - can offer whatever incentive you like if he's decided he has decided. He will just look at you a bit sadly.

Punishment- including banning from all devices for extended periods. Grounding would be pointless as he doesn't care about going out.

Reasoning - he might or might not speak at all. Might shut down. Might acknowledge you are correct but still say no.

Shouting- see reasoning.

Physically dressing and carrying him - good luck!

He actually has very little incentive to go to school in many ways. He doesn't have any social pull, not like he's going to see friends. He's not interested in the lessons, they're either too easy or not subjects he cares about. On days where he has refused he has literally spent hours just sitting on the stairs or on his bed in silence so it's not like he's having a marvellous time playing at home.

Outside of his refusal to attend sometimes, school would agree he is a model student and a lovely child.

I look forward to hearing the solution.

It's not school refusing. It's barriers to attendance. COVID seems to have escalated the already existing problem of it which hasn't helped.

Schools aren't set up a one size fits all anymore. They go on the assumption that every kid is academic and they aren't. There needs to be a big overhaul tbh so everyone's needs are met. Get skills in there, trades where kids can experience a different way of learning and the academic kids can get on with it, do the GCSEs and go on to other academic stuff.

More units attached to schools for SEN, get struggling kids out of mainstream and go to a more nurturing, child led way of learning.