"School refusal" trend

DD missed 3 years (full time) after 2 years of gradual decline. She’s just finished her first year at college .. EBSA doesn’t write you off, there is no age limit on leading, you go back to it when you are ready. School does not work for everyone

I try not to get upset and angered at all of the Mumsnet posts from people who have no idea what it's like to live with this awful situation but it's hard.

The last 4 years have been awful for my now 17 year old DD and me / her brother.

Multiple hospital admissions due to serious self harm incidents, 3 overdoses and refusing food. Coming close to jumping off the roof of the building where we were in a meeting with the psychiatrist re a change in her meds, a year of not leaving bed due to anxiety and depression an ASD and later on an ADHD diagnosis. All of this was due to anxiety re school.

So no. It's not a fucking 'trend' . There is an EBSA support thread on here that might be helpful for you to read. If not then the posts on here should give you enough of an insight.

Anyone who suggests that this wouldn't happen to them and if it did they would do XYZ, not give their DC a choice etc doesn't have first hand experience of this.

It's a living hell for any parent going through this. I honestly wouldn't wish it and the effect on their mental health, lives, work, home life on anyone.

My kids are autistic. Not quite school refusing but my dd is headed that way. My ds doesn't even have a school place because the LA can't find an appropriate school. That's what drive me mad on all this. The judgement parents get if a child is out of school but when the LA leave my child without education for 2.5 years and counting it's no big deal.

School can be traumatic for ND children. Particularly ones who have their needs dismissed as shit parenting by people such as you OP. Maybe they need understanding and support instead of judgement and criticism- possible that would help them access school.

I'm autistic myself. I remember the trauma that was school. And that was when there were adequate numbers of teachers and the behaviour in class wasn't as extreme as it is today. When I refused to go my mother smacked me. You can't smack children today though.

Yes obviously some of it is shit parenting. And I cross paths with many families who have kids out of school in the home Ed community. Many were school refusing/struggling and home Ed was the only option. Yes some of the are bad parents but most who have had their parenting criticised and blamed for their child's struggles have ND children.

Even calling it school refusal shows your ignorance. I used the term because that the term in the OP but it's properly understood to be anxiety

Oh I know @Leavingonaeasyjetplane but it's turned into an interesting and useful thread despite their shitty intentions.

Parents of refusers, can I please ask, what does your child do all day? It’s a long time since I was at school, but if I wasn’t in school (holidays or unwell) I used to get really bored. Does this happen with your child? Do you have to miss work if they are too young to be left in the house all day?

Doubt it - it's likely very similar across the UK and not just England.

My autistic DS is an occasional school refuser. Attendance at around 80% but mental health and overall learning and academic progress are better with the occasional day or two off than was the case when I was making him go in and he would make himself vomit and then get sent home as sick. When he started talking about thinking about more extensive self-harm than inducing vomiting we needed to change strategy from an approach of encouraging him to stoically bear the pressure of school.

We have a blanket rule of no screens or tech during school hours if he is at home on a school day but he reads or plays lego or does some solo academic work if possible. He knows school is important and goes in if he can.

Fortunately I don't have to give a toss what nasty judgemental people think about my parenting as they have no power over me and their ignorant opinion isn't worth the smallest iota of respect.

I don’t have the energy to go in to it fully but if you are a parent of a child with EBSA then you are basically told it’s your fault, it’s your parenting, it’s your anxiety. Because you know what, it’s a hell of a lot easier for the school to blame parents than it is to address the issues behind school refusal in the child. And most schools don’t have the first clue how to get that child in to school either.

Let's remember the millions of adults too who are up in arms about going back into the office full time post pandemic... Desperate not to go back in and would quit their jobs if forced to.

place marking- just got to go and attend to a distressed school refuser.

Both my siblings had issues around school avoidance.

One now (ironically) works in a school the other owns her own business.

Not finishing school doesn’t write you off for the future.

It's always happened there was 2 brothers in my year at school the same year but not twins. They were absent quite a lot. The day after one absense I recall our teacher reading out a note off their mum. It just said they slept in until 10'clock.

We had a unit that supported kids who struggled to stay in mainstream schools. One lad that went was in my form. He went 2 days a week on the condition he attended school 2 days a week.That place closed in the late 90's. We were in German when I stuard opened the door anounced I think this is yours and chucked him in the room. Us being 11 thought it was hilarious. But that boy was obviously neglected. A teacher went to his house to get him to bring him into school mainly so he would get his FSM. I remember his school shirt being yellow. But that boy would sing at our school discos. He was really good.

In the 90's I often used to drop my ex's daughter off. I often used to see a mum trying to get her son into school. He was fighting her off doing all he could to prevent going in the school. My cousin with SN went to the same school and did really well.

I don't think the pandemic helped. Kids and parents got used to to staying home.

And funnily enough no sign of any response from the OP. No magical solutions then?

School is a hell hole now as it was for me in the 80s. With so much focus and awareness on mental health, it is only right we listen to kids when they say they hate school.

Nasty exam factories that they are.

It’s a worldwide thing, started in Covid.

Main causes are either DP neglect or DC ND says the New Yorker.

Either way it needs fixing - jobs for illiterates are disappearing fast in Europe and the US, as well as China and India.

Changes in UK law are being mooted.

So bribery and threats worked on you. They don't on many children. They cause huge huge stress in my child that has resulted in dangerous self harm. I suppose you could liken it to how I imagine you or I would feel if offered a million pounds to murder someone, or threatened with violence to your loved ones if you didn't murder someone. You'd feel desperate and panicked.

Not entirely sure what tough tits is in this context, if you mean it was your parents being tough, again this doesn't work for many children.

I couldn't drag my child the 1.5km to school if I wanted to.

None of those is a solution for my child.

And OP its not a bloody trend

@ruthxxx0 my son is 3.5 yo. He cried every day at part time nursery from the age of 9m to 3 years. I moved him to a montessori school when he was 3 and he was hysterical every morning, removing his clothes to avoid leaving, crying he didn't want to go, refusing to eat breakfast, refusing to eat lunch there. He also hit, bit, kicked and threw things at me because he didn't want to go. When i dropped him off the other kids would ask me why he cried all of the time. It was physically and mentally draining all round to get him to school, but we carried on for 4 months until i couldn't do it anymore. He had become very withdrawn during this time and was a different child - a very unhappy one
I then moved him to a smaller preschool and he has thrived since, he is so much happier. He's also having an assessment for autism and it's looking likely that he is autistic. Most days he wants to go to school and it is so much better than before, but some days he really struggles and we have been up to an hour late. Fortunately his school is really sympathetic and understanding.

I found you post OP to be completely tone deaf and infuriating. If you've ever had to spend 45 mins convincing an almost 4 year to keep their clothes on/get dressed because they don't like short sleeves/labels/textures - it's a battle. Some days he can't cope with the noise of the traffic on the way to school. Each day brings a new challenge for us. Some mornings everything is hard for him.

But don't you dare accuse me of being too lazy to get him to school. Have you ever tried picking up an almost 4 year old and carrying them for 15 mins to get to school whilst they are kicking and screaming, because i have.

Maybe look at what schools could be doing to help those struggling to get to school

And op still not back .. what a surprise

The country I'm in (in the British isles) has a lot of Ukrainian refugees, women with children.
There's hardly any school refusal amongst the Ukrainian refugee children.

And that’s the issue with most of the replies on these threads. What works for one child will not work for another.

My child will now run away from school in fear of being dragged in. We have had to agree to risk assessments being made for her. Fat lot of good dragging did.

No amount of bribery or sternness will cure school related anxiety.

I don’t want my child to survive my parenting. I want to support her to thrive.

I am over 60. When l was in Primary School a boy in my class ran home on numerous occasions. Schools in the country side weren't locked up then. Some mornings as soon as his dad dropped him he ran before entering the building. He was a school refuser.
Also at that time a lot of children left school early. They didn't need to stay until they were 18. It was more acceptable to give up and look for work. My own dad left school at 14 and was extremely literate and an avid reader all his life but he wanted to farm. Was he a school refuser? He definitely would not have stuck it for 4 more years. In my school we could garden and sew and do pottery etc. Schools have become too rigid with little scope to diversify depending on the children in front of you. I have been a teacher for over 40 years and absolutely hate how rigid it has become. I am in lreland and by all accounts the UK is worse.

I hated school. I would have been a school refuser given half a chance.

I hated every second of national school and secondary school. Left at 16 due to ramped up bullying the school ignored.

Much later on I did a university degree without a Leaving Cert (Ireland). I found out I am severely dyslexic at 32 as a mature student in college. Now over 50 and the thought of school still fills me with dread.

Still am not academic though.