"School refusal" trend

@DollopOfFun @sevsal@anunlikelyseahorsehow did you find your way after school ended? Were you able to go on to College or did you just start working?

And I think that all forms of school non-attendance are regarded more seriously than they often were in the past, because of the greater need for everyone to pass exams, etc.

I think some of the problem is the term 'school refusal', which makes it sound more trivial than it really is. Possibly for that reason, it is now technically called EBSA, but most people still call it 'school refusal'.. Many years ago, it was more often called 'school phobia', a term which had its own problems, but I think it was better at conveying the seriousness.

There is no doubt that there are some parents who don't send their children to school regularly because they lead chaotic lives, or are plain feckless, or don't put a high value on education and, for example, often keep their teenage daughters at home to help with housework and the care of preschool siblings. But that is not the sort of situation that is meant by 'school refusal'.

Thank you for reflecting and coming back.

Apologies. It sounds like hell. Thanks for enlightening me. I'm v fortunate not to have a "school refuser" and clearly have little knowledge of the issue or the scale of it. I hope your children eventually get the help they need.

I wish you both well for September and hope the new school does the trick!

That's where we are with my youngest, over the last term attendance has been single figures and most days/weeks I could not see a way back. New school in September will either be the miracle we've been hoping for or the start of a battle for a SEN specialist placement

But you’re coming across as smug and sanctimonious. School had always been a positive experience for my daughter - until she went to secondary. I grant her time off school when she needs it due to the sensory overwhelm or because she is exhausted from the sensory overload of the uniform. We have been at the point where I’ve wondered if she’ll be able to get in any more, but thankfully not reached that stage.

You seem to be writing in the past tense, I take it you are a bit of the way through it? As someone going through this now, how did you get through it?

You’d have to deal with it just like you’d have to if your child was off school for any other reason. Emergency situations happen.

My friend’s DD has recently been excluded from her primary school and my friend is currently on sick leave from work. The waiting list is 2+ years for SEN schools. Her sick pay will run out soon and she’s in the middle of getting divorced. She’ll have to sell her house and move into something smaller if there’s enough equity. If there isn’t, the council will have to step in and rehouse her. Either way she has probably lost her (very prestigious) career.

First step was to accept DS wasn't going back to his primary school.

He was given a place in a small unit for children with additional needs attached to a different primary school. Then it was a case of getting him there part time. Sometimes we'd get him to the school gate and he'd run away. School used Minecraft to help get him in. We'd use trips to Costa to help get him out of the house.

It was bloody hard work. Constantly monitoring him and watching out for signs of dysregulation.

By the end of primary school we'd got his attendance up to 70% and he'd pretty much caught up academically. We'd also got a diagnosis of ASD (thanks to the ALNCo put so much work in to get him bumped up the list) and a place in a specialist ASD unit.

Secondary has not been plain sailing, attendance is still about 70% and it's still hard work, but at some points three years ago we weren't sure we'd ever get DS back into school.

It could all go pear shaped later this year though as I'm being made redundant and my current job has been so flexible and supportive. If I end up having to do 9-5 in an office it could cause problems.

Oh if only it was that simple.
I have 2 DC. Up till about 2 years ago they both had pretty much perfect attendance, give or take the odd vomiting bug etc
But now they can no longer cope. We understand now it's autistic burnout/autistic anxiety and all those years of masking and fitting in have taken their toll.
Also following advice to get them into school at all costs which in hindsight actually made things worse. At a recent meeting a SENCO actually described DC2's recent school experience as "trauma"

I hope this isn't derailing or too distressing to bring up but I just wondered if any of you parents of disabled or struggling children will have the energy to help fight the PIP cuts they're currently trying to push through? These probably don't affect you now but they might make the difference between your child having an (admittedly pretty tiny) income when they're older or you having to support them financially for the rest of your lives. Sorry to add to the stress, just wondered if any of you have the energy for this or if you've all got too much on your plates as it is?

I wish that school refusal had been a thing when I was growing up. I had a truly terrible time at school. Bullied daily, I wanted to die but didn't have support at school or home.

Now I panic when my dd has bad days at school, which she does tbh

as she has asd aswell, I feel the stress of wondering whether I'm doing the right thing sending her in when she gets distressed.

I understand the parents who legitimately have kids who are refusing school

it isn't the fun, inclusive place that people believe, it can be a battlefield for some

As If we don’t already feel bad enough… 🫣

The assumption that the families of children who are school refusing are OK with their kidsn turning their backs on education, and haven't tried to do anything about it, only comes from people who've never experienced it and don't understand what a desperate situation it is for families.

Absolutely this. People with no comprehension will still pile on with the parent-blaming though.

Back in the day children learned from a young age that school is not a choice but a fun place to go, see your friends and enjoy learning

I'm a primary school teacher. School is not fun any more. Curriculum is too packed with challenging subject matter too early on. Teachers are stressed by the pressure on results, lack of resources, increasingly higher needs that they aren't trained to deal with. Secondary school is even worse - dry curriculum based on rote knowledge rather than skills, not enough teachers so even if you are lucky enough to have one they might not be very good, stricter and stricter tules to compensate for not having enough adults to manage all the students, huge pressure on achieving good grades.

I feel sorry for all kids these days. For ND kids or those with anxiety/trauma it is awful.

It all boils down to this, really.

This, and the fact that modern life is much much more demanding, including in schools, and many of today’s children missed out on a whole load of socialisation during lockdown.

Once out of the habit, going back into the social world can be very overwhelming. I felt it after lockdown, and still do to an extent. A full working week in the office now exhausts me where it didn’t before. Imagine the impact on developing children.

Erm you do realise most parents do do this? EBSA is not purely a parenting issue.

Considering we have kids at my school (of ks2 age) who are still non verbal and in nappies and still waiting for a special school place (maybe next year?) what do you think?

Two of my children school refused.

Both were mentally unwell. One of them eventually returned to school, the other never did, and at 21 is too mentally and physically ill to work or study.

I'm on a parenting mental health group on facebook. Parents on that group are in absolute despair about this issue.

When my daughter was doing it - started in year 9 - I would wake up every morning with a stone in my stomach. For about a two years, every school day would start with a battle of wills, which my daughter would usually win, because unlike me, she didn't have a problem with using violence, and she was bigger than me.

On the rare occasion I could persuade her to get in the car she would sometimes get out at a traffic light and run away. I'd then spend the day driving around trying to find her. Several times we had to involve the police. She's 25 now and we're years past that, but I'll never forget the impact it had on our family.

The assumption that the families of children who are school refusing are OK with their kidsn turning their backs on education, and haven't tried to do anything about it, only comes from people who've never experienced it and don't understand what a desperate situation it is for families.

@Yerroblemom1923

You obviously have no idea about EBSA or you wouldn’t have posted what you did.

I can almost guarantee that every parent who ends up in this awful, isolating, stressful and heart breaking situation started their DC out in the right way with positivity about school, parented them in a loving way, read to them, nurtured them and has parented their DCs in a similar way to parents who don’t have DC that struggle.

It’s nothing to do with parenting or any impression they were given about school. It’s really just a question of pot luck. It could just as easily be you as me or anyone else on here. It can affect anyone.

You don’t sound smug so much as just uninformed (ditto comments about just sending them to a special school) . I don’t blame you for your ignorance though. Most of us on here who have been through this or are going through this would rather know absolutely nothing on the subject either!

This is one of the most ignorant comments I have ever read! Do you know it often costs £75k a year for a child to go to a SEN school? Do you also know that there are a lack of places and that a lot of children with SEN wouldn't be suited to a SEN school anyway. Many are capable of doing the work and are highly intelligent. But they can't cope in the school environment.

I mean, anyone would think support grows on trees freely. Imagine having a child with social anxiety, who self harms and has suicidal ideations being turned away from camhs for counselling for not being n enough need…. Only then do you realise how many people are fighting for support when it just does not exist. If it did, perhaps “just” getting them into school would be less traumatic for parent and child.

SEN schools don’t exist for these kids. SEN provision is full of kids with severe and profound difficulties and there is no room for kids with school-based anxiety and more moderate difficulties. For every kid with a place in a provision there’s probably another ten who need it but there is no room. There is barely any provision for kids with school anxiety.

As a parent you are gaslit and disbelieved and it is severely traumatic. www.specialneedsjungle.com/parents-disabled-children-traumatised-public-bodies-support/