To hate husband being here on my days off

How did the conversation go - what made him fly off the handle? Is he offended that you don’t want him around?

Can he choose which days he goes in completely freely?

It’s not an unreasonable thing to want some time alone in the house. If he can’t see that, why not? What’s his thought process?

And I would tell him that you want him to be formally assessed for Asbergers as his behaviour is ruining your marriage and you both need to work through some techniques and a mutual understanding of what's needed.

I'd be highly surprised if he is not just an epic selfish lazy arse rather than on the spectrum.

Alternatives - a day off list left lying around.

Isn't it time your kitchen had a good clear out of pointless items and a deep clean? Possibly followed by a coat of paint the following week?
Freezer needs defrosting.
Holiday sit a hamster with a large and squeaky wheel that needs to be in the kitchen.
Washing machine is probably overdue for one of those lengthy self clean cycles.
Nail varnish is very smelly. Never met a man who can bear it.
Batch cooking
Gardening with some music outdoors. Lots of rehydration needed. Doors opening and closing.

Granted none of this is sitting on the sofa watching Netflix but while it is hugely passive aggressive it might change his habits.
Personally if you can't make a simple request that says you need the headspace and total peace and quiet and can he please go into the office. And the answer is anything other than "sure, that's no problem. Shall we take the kids out for an early dinner when I get home" then you have your answer. He just doesn't care about you any more.

Op is he choosing to be working from home on the days you are on your days off?

If so it sounds like he knows it’s easier him working from home on the days you are off so you can look after him.

Working from home does not prioritise over a house being a home. Invite your friends over, watch the tv with a volume that suits you and if he doesn’t like it he’ll just have to go into the office. Don’t argue with it, just manage it.

You need to stop adjusting your days off to make his life more comfortable. So tell him in advance, probably write it down for both of you

1. I am having x date as time off because I am not well enough to work full-time at present.

1. On my day off I will not be making food or drink for anyone but myself.

1. On my day off I will use the whole house as I want, including the kitchen. This may involve loud music.

1. DH should work in the office on my days off so that his work is not disturbed.

You say you want to invite friends over etc. Does he have 2 days a week he can do that?

I prefer it when I have the house to myself when I WFH, but would never resent my husband for deciding to WFH the same day. But I like him!

Spot On

I'm with you on this one OP. I'm in the same situation, and I always work from home on the same day every week. I think you should get the vacuum out as soon as he starts his first phone call. Then play music loudly for the rest of the day.

Hi OP, I totally understand that you need some 'space' away from your husband. Most people I know feel like that. No wonder you are feeling resentful.
I think you need an honest conversation with him re him being in the office whilst you are at home.
You are definitely not alone in feeling as you do
I really hope your MH improves, you are dealing with so much

I’m sorry to hear about your mental ill health. Are you investigating the causes thoroughly?

Your retirement looks fun

This

You resent him because he's a lazy, selfish fucker who doesn't parent his own Dc.

Why is he working at the kitchen table? He needs to go into a home office or go to work, not wfh.

It sounds like you'd be happier and your mh would be better if you separated.

She sounds like she fucking hates him and cant stand a single thing about him. And he does sound like a useless and inconsiderate prick. There’s not wanting to live in each others pockets, and there’s this level of vitriol towards one of the people you’re meant to love the most. Her life sounds horrible and she sounds miserable. I think her having the 1 or 2 days a week with the house to herself is just going to be a sticking plaster to their marriage

Have the people who are eye-rolling at the 'why are you with him' questions completely missed the part where OP says the lazy bastard does absolutely fuck all to help?

Me and my partner try and coordinate our days off, as do most couples I think, as we love each other and enjoy spending time together. And she’s literally said he’s happy to go without eating, it’s her who notices he’s skipped breakfast and lunch and then decides to be a bit of a martyr and makes him food when she doesn’t want to and he’s not even arsed about it. That’s not to say he doesn’t sound like a complete knob with the lack of helping, and the refusal to discuss or listen. This whole relationship sounds shit and needs writing off imo, though obviously that’s far easier said than done

😂😂😂

Was he always like this? Being autistic shouldn't make him a lazy, entitled shitbag. Let him starve

Be factual.

Tell him you will be home next week on x and z day
You WILL use the kitchen with loud music on
You WILL watch loud tv
You WILL have (loud) friends around.

It's his house, he's allowed to use it as much as you are. He has been warned that you will make the most of it and won't tip toe.

Just for context he does nothing and I mean nothing
I am not even sure where to start on that one...

That’s exactly the vibe of the OP, and she has already had that conversation with him more than once. He flies off the handle and gets nasty with her because he likes having her wait on him. She is now at the end of her tether because he won’t listen to her and isn’t giving her the time she needs to decompress. It sounds like she is an introvert and needs time alone to recharge or she ends up with her nerves frayed to pieces, which is sometimes hard to understand for people who aren’t introverts.

Though frankly if she doesn’t like him she can’t be blamed. He’s not making himself very likeable by refusing to lift a finger, refusing to parent, deliberately disregarding her reasonable requests, and allowing her to wait on him.

Yes, this!!!

Can't he use the bedroom so he is out the way.

It's perfectly reasonable to ask him to go into the office when you are home if he is doing calls in the middle of the main living space. He can WFH when you are in work if that's what he wants.

sabotage the wifi

I work every other weekend so I have weekdays off that week, I hate my days off, I ask my husband if he can have the same days off as me and work weekends like I do 🤣
I love having my husband home with me

can’t understand why you’re together if you don’t like spending time with him

Change ur days off and don't tell him lol