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Original poster

To hate husband being here on my days off

89 replies

2024Mm · 02/07/2024 17:31

I feel really upset again this week. On my two days off he’s been here again and I’m back to work tomorrow and annoyingly just like all the other weeks he’s in the office tomorrow and rest of the week! It seems like he does this on purpose; on my days off he’s home and when I’m in work he goes to office too.

Just for context he does nothing and I mean nothing - I look after our 2 children, I cook, clean, do the laundry etc. The thing is people will say I shouldn’t let him affect me and carry on despite him being here but I feel guilty when he’s working and doesn’t eat all day (I suspect he’s got Asperger’s) he would go entire day without eating. As I’m home I feel bad so I make breakfast and lunch for him. whereas if he was not here I can’t really do anything about him eating or not eating as not my problem but it is I feel if I’m home and he’s not eating.

We don’t have a study so he work on kitchen table and does all his meetings and calls there. I hear his voice booming throughout the house. I try to get out in the morning but truthfully I’m burnt out hence I went part time due to my mental health but I hate being home with him. It feels really awkward as I do t feel I can chill out. I imagined dropping the kids off then chilling out watching Netflix on the sofa and spending afternoons doing my chores. I’m really starting to despise him. I tried talking to him but I feel he doesn’t understand and it just leads to arguments (from me as he frustrates me).

I feel my kids are being affected too as I’m still stressed out. The few times he’s had to go to work have been fantastic! I felt so relaxed and gone to work happier and had a lovely weekend as a result of feeling lighter and happier. Today I just feel drained and fed up and I am snapping at my kids. I’m so exhausted I cannot even think about work tomorrow. I don’t feel I’ve had time off I’m so fed up.

OP posts:
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Wotcher · 02/07/2024 23:23

2024Mm · 02/07/2024 17:37

@DeliciousApples I’ve tried asking him if he can not be here at least one of my days off but he ignores me. Maybe it’s the Aspergers I don’t know. He hasn’t been diagnosed but I find it so difficult to discuss anything with him. He knows him being here adds to my stress as I can’t relax and I can’t invite friends over etc. I can’t even put tv on too loud as he complains he can’t hear his calls!

Edited

I’d tell him to fuck off regarding the TV. He’s ignored your requests so ignore his. If he wants an office environment he can go to the office.

Caketea · 02/07/2024 23:04

ND house here. Totally relate. I’ve been you! We are often burnt out by our days and take ourselves off to have space.

Wellineverever · 02/07/2024 22:10

OMG I feel your pain. Those rare days I have the house to myself are like a drug. It’s sooooo good. I find it so hard that my DH is home ALL the time and he’s recently changed his days so now my one day without him home, he’s bloody home!! Argh.

Do you have to tell him your days off? Could you tell him the opposite and then when he asks say ‘oh they needed me in on this day’, once it’s too late.

Of course he wants to be home when you are, you feed him and look after him. When I work from home I get fuck all.

stayathomer · 02/07/2024 22:04

Sorry op just saw your last post! Best of luck!

stayathomer · 02/07/2024 22:03

While ye both need to address the fact he does nothing I can understand him being upset- I’d be gutted if my dh asked could I not be around!!! I think you need to figure out how to be off days he has to be in the office (sorry am no help), or meet friends out somewhere:/ in a park/ at theirs, but as others say you both need to properly talk, it doesn’t sound like a nice existence

Original poster
2024Mm · 02/07/2024 21:59

Excuse the numerous typos sorry! I’m so exhausted I need to sleep 😴

OP posts:
Original poster
2024Mm · 02/07/2024 21:58

Thank you all so much. Even the comments disagreeing with me are giving me things to think about. Thank you. I know I sound like a cow but seriously his voice booms throughout the house! An odd day here and there I would mind but it’s like every single day I have to myself it’s like this. I actually feel more relaxed at work! I get periods of quiet but here it’s either him on calls all day and then kids when I pick up from school.

Regardless of what I’ve written I don’t really hate him! He’s a nice enough guy and even though he does t help me I know how hard he works to provide for us. It’s only due to him working so hard I’m actually able to do part time for a little while. I think I need to get out of the house.

the PP who suggested making a sandwich - I actually like this idea! I can give him breakfast with the kids then leave for the morning and feel no guilt as good is there for him to have. I think I need to leave the house to get out of my depression.

Thank you and good night x

OP posts:
Justsomethoughts · 02/07/2024 21:28

Jk987 · 02/07/2024 19:58

Prep a sandwich for him?🤣 For the guy who does fuck all around the house? Is that before or after she washes his pants?

Show quote history

Haha good point. I was just trying to offer practical advice if OP just wants to keep the status quo but I see the thread has really moved on!

Fiery30 · 02/07/2024 20:45

While your situation sounds miserable, you seem to be somewhat enabling his behaviour too by cooking meals out of guilt. If he is fine to stay hungry, then that's it. What's the guilt for?
What is more concerning is you doing all the housework and childcare. Have you spoken to him about why he isn't stepping up? This is not a healthy and happy marriage. If he is being unreasonable, perhaps marriage counselling can help discuss these issues in an amicable way or decide the outcome of this relationship. But at this point you can't simply bear it, some action has to be taken.

NewName24 · 02/07/2024 20:44

To me this is very very odd. I can’t imagine wanting to avoid my husband and asking him to not be in his own home on the days that I’m there.

Did you miss the bit where she said he works at the kitchen table but is on meetings and can't have noise happening around him ?

I like spending time off with my dh, but I wouldn't put up with that. In 2020 we had no choice but to get on with it. But it is now 2024. It isn't realistic to expect to sit on video calls at the kitchen table when there are other people in the house.
That's for anyone. The fact the OP is working PT because of health issues, make it worse.

WhydoIcaresomuch · 02/07/2024 20:43

I find this strange. I am also part time and on the odd occasion my husband’s WFH day coincides with my days off, I love it. I largely ignore him and I certainly don’t go out my way to feed him, but if I’m eating I will. I certainly wouldn’t worry if he didn’t eat?! I do get what you mean about feeling guilty chilling out if he’s working but I can’t really identify with that as I don’t sit down on my days off! I can’t imagine having time to watch Netflix! And my husband does split the children & any evening weekend jobs 50/50 with me!

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 02/07/2024 20:39

ObsidianTree · 02/07/2024 20:35

Can you change your days at work? And don't tell him?

Alternatively, can you plan things in your day off. Like go cinema, coffee shop etc. stop feeding him for sure. Maybe he's choosing his days at home when you're home because he knows you will make him breakfast and lunch!

Or because he wants to know what she is doing at all times

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 02/07/2024 20:39

DawsonsFreak · 02/07/2024 17:44

For a start, stop making him meals. If he asks you, say it's your day off to look after your mental health and your chores, not to look after him. You absolutely can point him towards the fridge.

this. stop making him meals. Put on netflix and carry on as he isnt there. Have friends round. Make noise. Tell him you do not want him at home when you have a day off as he ruins it. Dont dance around it. Tell him he is being selfish. And stop diagnosing him. He is an arsehole. do you every get time alone?

ObsidianTree · 02/07/2024 20:35

Can you change your days at work? And don't tell him?

Alternatively, can you plan things in your day off. Like go cinema, coffee shop etc. stop feeding him for sure. Maybe he's choosing his days at home when you're home because he knows you will make him breakfast and lunch!

Jk987 · 02/07/2024 20:33

I know I'm doing multiple posts but how do people get in a scenario that results in this: ' Just for context he does nothing and I mean nothing - I look after our 2 children, I cook, clean, do the laundry etc.'

Am I the only person outraged?

TallTreesPinkTrees · 02/07/2024 20:23

I think tell him that you are having a kitchen clear out and or batch cooking etc so he needs to sit in bed to work or better still be in the office when you are at home. If he ignores you, clear and clatter your way through the kitchen cupboards during his Teams calls

Oblomov24 · 02/07/2024 20:19

Loads of wierd posts: eg @Mirabai :

If you don’t want to be in the house at the same time as your DH the marriage is over.

🤣

My Dh is a bit of a diamond, and works really hard generally. But I don't like it when he's at home or working from home on my day off (I work 4 days). That's got nothing to do with my marriage, or it being 'over', but because of like space on my own, and my day off on a Monday is my time to get it.

Jk987 · 02/07/2024 20:05

Tailfeather · 02/07/2024 19:21

You say you want to invite friends over etc. Does he have 2 days a week he can do that?

I prefer it when I have the house to myself when I WFH, but would never resent my husband for deciding to WFH the same day. But I like him!

Bet you don't do all the housework and wipe his bum for him though?

Mirabai · 02/07/2024 20:04

If you don’t want to be in the house at the same time as your DH the marriage is over. It was over when he forebore to lift a finger.

The few times he’s had to go to work have been fantastic! I felt so relaxed and gone to work happier and had a lovely weekend as a result of feeling lighter and happier.

This is your life without him.

Jk987 · 02/07/2024 19:58

Justsomethoughts · 02/07/2024 17:41

Is there anything restorative you can do while you are outside the house? maybe a walk, a coffee, wander around some shops?

could you take yourself into your bedroom and watch Netflix with your earphones on your iPad?

maybe you could prep a sandwich for him (or get him to do this) the night before?

Thats all if you can’t somehow come to an agreement that you get some home time just on your own.

Prep a sandwich for him?🤣 For the guy who does fuck all around the house? Is that before or after she washes his pants?

bonzaitree · 02/07/2024 19:56

How much spare cash do you have OP? Could you go to a hotel overnight and arrange a late checkout? Could you go to a day spa and spend a day snoozing?

If you have no money are you able to go to a friends house whilst they’re out at work to just have a day to watch TV? I’d let a friend come here in a similar situation.

Once you’re well rested, speak to your husband again and insist he spends the days you are off in the office.

thecatsthecats · 02/07/2024 19:53

LoveWine123 · 02/07/2024 17:47

To me this is very very odd. I can’t imagine wanting to avoid my husband and asking him to not be in his own home on the days that I’m there. This is not what a normal marriage looks like. I think you should look into where your mental health issues are coming from and address them…I doubt they are stemming from your husband being at home.

It's perfectly normal to want some alone time in your own house without someone ruining the vibe with work.

user1474315215 · 02/07/2024 19:52

LoveWine123 · 02/07/2024 17:47

To me this is very very odd. I can’t imagine wanting to avoid my husband and asking him to not be in his own home on the days that I’m there. This is not what a normal marriage looks like. I think you should look into where your mental health issues are coming from and address them…I doubt they are stemming from your husband being at home.

I disagree with this. We're about to celebrate our golden wedding and have been retired for a number of years, but my husband always worked long shifts, meaning that I often had weekend days to myself and he often had weekdays (when I was working) to himself. We both appreciated the space and have continued to ensure we have our own time in to retirement.

BarshMarton · 02/07/2024 19:51

autienotnaughty · 02/07/2024 17:55

Be factual and try not to directly blame him.

Apologise for last conversation and say you are having time off from work because of your mental health/stress. Hearing him work and having to be careful about what you are doing is making you more stressed and you are concerned you will need longer off as a result. It would really help you if he could do you a favour and go into work on your days off.

Are you serious?

BarshMarton · 02/07/2024 19:48

OP, let me tell you a story. Over the last five years ago my DH developed a habit of clearing his throat loudly every minute or so. I could hear it from wherever I was in the house. He claimed he couldn't help it. I tried asking him to swallow his phlegm instead, but he got angry and carried on. Then I noticed that he never did it when we had company, or when he was out the house. He only did it at home. I pointed that out, but he got angry and carried on. I suggested he go to the doctor to get himself checked out, but he got angry and carried on.

One day I finally snapped. I went downstairs and told him if I ever heard him clear his throat again, I'd divorce him. I told him I was well aware that he could control it for hours and days when he didn't want to annoy other people, therefore it was clear he just didn't care about annoying me. I made it absolutely clear I had had enough. He hasn't done it since. All along he could have stopped, he just pretended he couldn't because he didn't give a toss about its impact on me, and believed he had a god-given right to do whatever he liked.

Work out what you feel is reasonable for him to do, and what you feel is disrespectful to you and your needs. Explain why you feel the way you do about the stuff that impacts on you, then make it absolutely crystal clear that you will not put up with it any more. Don't get drawn into an argument. Just tell him it stops, or he leaves, then walk away. Rinse and repeat until he understands that your needs count too. If he refuses to accommodate you in any way, then divorce him.