Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Usual story, scared to commit

212 replies

Lovehearts33 · 02/07/2024 16:41

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

OP posts:
Hearthfloor · 02/07/2024 16:48

Have another honest conversation and make it clear what you want - and that from your understanding it’s different from what he wants.

MimiSunshine · 02/07/2024 16:48

He’s had long enough. Walk away now. Don’t let him pull and BS about how a proposal should be a surprise either.

in just the same way he didn’t surprise you by moving in and I’m sure there was a conversation where you as adults agreed it’s what you wanted so did it. So is marriage.

tell him he’s had long enough. What is actually so scary about signing a contract and committing to be legally a couple? Doesn’t want a big wedding, fine, have a small one.
doesn’t want to make a speech, fine, don’t make one.

but he’s really saying, he’s just not sure he wants to legally be in a relationship with you so time to move on.

DanielGault · 02/07/2024 16:48

No time at all, if you want a child. Like PP said, he's had plenty of time at this stage. Your fertility won't wait.

Triggerning · 02/07/2024 16:47

He’s with you while he is waiting for the love of his life. If she turns up, he’ll dump you and marry her as quickly as possible. If she doesn’t, he’ll settle for you. I’d walk away if I were you.

Ponoka7 · 02/07/2024 16:47

Lovehearts33 · 02/07/2024 16:45

See people say that, but then I see couples who marry after like 7+ years together so it just makes me wonder. Though I think maybe that's more common if you got together very young.

Show quote history

Yes but that's usually on agreement. Sometimes one will be getting out of debt etc before they combine finances. Only a tiny percentage will have changed their mind after being scared of marriage.

SunSparkle · 02/07/2024 16:47

He could string you along for ages. I’d ask him to be more specific - what’s standing in his way about marriage and kids, what does he want to achieve before them, ask him questions about how many he wants etc and if he’s not excited about family life then I would split up. It’s ok to ask explicitly for what you want and the future you’re working towards.

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 02/07/2024 16:46

If after 4.5 years he is still scared of committing to marriage and kids will he ever be ready to do so?
If marriage and kids is what you want I think you might as well call it a day now.

isitworthit124 · 02/07/2024 16:46

You are already 33 and you’ve been together 4 years and throughout that he’s said no so I’d leavd

Ponoka7 · 02/07/2024 16:45

If you want children then you need to end it and move on.

Original poster
Lovehearts33 · 02/07/2024 16:45

voiceofastar · 02/07/2024 16:44

It's been nearly 5 years. If he doesn't know now he never will.

See people say that, but then I see couples who marry after like 7+ years together so it just makes me wonder. Though I think maybe that's more common if you got together very young.

OP posts:
voiceofastar · 02/07/2024 16:44

It's been nearly 5 years. If he doesn't know now he never will.

Original poster
Lovehearts33 · 02/07/2024 16:42

I brought it up a year ago but he said it was too early, so I've given it another year.

OP posts: