Usual story, scared to commit

Sorry but he's telling you that he's not entirely happy with you and believes there's probably someone better out there for him.

(He may well be waiting for them to turn up before he leaves you.)

Honestly OP I would leave, my brother in law had a girlfriend who he kept stringing along for 15 years, always saying maybe next year maybe next year finally at 37 she left him, within 6 months he had someone else pregnant, 4 years later he's got 2 children & getting married this years. She's 41, childless and heartbroken.

I have heard too many stories where women waited around in these circumstances, then there was a break up at a point fertility was an issue for the woman, then the man got all settled down with someone else within the year - wedding and kids all lined up.

Don't waste your life away, you do not have time to waste on him. There will always be 'what if?' but if he is uncertain after 5 years the odds are more likely that he will drift along for a few more years not committing and that could steal your chances of having kids.

In my experience men won’t settle down until they feel financially secure/ secure in their career. This is usually signalled by something big like qualifying in their profession, or more likely buying a home, or maybe get paid an amount they would consider good money.
For what it’s worth I’m not sure the friends we know who had children “earlier (27-35) are better off than those who had them “later”(35-43). Earlier seemed to have a tougher time financially for the first few years, and the women had a much tougher time building their careers, but then they seem very happy with their choice now. It’s the same for the ones who had them older, they think they got the better deal in someways.
It’s not something you want to feel like you are coercing someone into but maybe an honest talk about what each of you want in life beyond family would be good.
I think men genuinely really do fear not being good providers. In a similar way to women fearing leaving having babies too late.

I wouldn't give it one more minute.

Propose to him. When he says no end it.

It depends how important marriage/kids are to you, but at age 33 and together 4.5 years if he isn’t ready, he’s never going to be ready and personally I wouldn’t be waiting around. There are couples who wait longer but those tend to be couples who have no time pressure on what comes next (mainly kids), at 33 if you want children then you ideally would be trying now or preparing to try soon. You could wait another 2 years and he still not be ready and then you’re faced with being single and wanting children at 36, starting over with someone else. Get well out while you can would be my advice

Walk away with your head held high. I started dating DH when he was 29 and he asked me to marry him after 3 months.

Move on.

Unfortunately that’s your answer then

But still don't settle..

Don’t let this Peter Pan steal your fertile years.

I would just ask him what he does want out of life. Give him a little time to consider it. Dont give him ultimatums, you dont want him agreeing to marry you under duress! If he doesnt want to commit then what next.

Ask the OLDers on here what the marketplace looks like at early 30s and you may hear how slim pickings it is.

4.5yrs in late 20s? No, OP. If he doesn’t know now, he never will, or the other likely scenario of him reluctantly agreeing to engagement but dragging his feet on the marriage, and/or reluctantly agreeing to marriage to then drag his feet on children.

I get it, it’s sunk cost fallacy – you’re 33 and you’ve invested years into this. Don’t buy into this. Don’t wake up 3yrs down the line and be in this same position. And don’t let fear of your biological clock determine the quality of life partner you accept for yourself.

He's not going to change. If you persuade him it'll end badly.
Time to throw him back.

What if he isn't?

Is he worth not having kids for?

I asked my h if he wanted marriage and kids at the end of the first date. No point wasting time. I'd spent two years with a man who proposed but had no intention of marrying.

All feelings would vanish for me if my partner said that.

Quite often when people marry after a long time and it then goes wrong quite quick it was when they think it will fix things.

Five years is plenty. Give him one chance then I'd call it quits. Or just end it and when he says why tell him you want marriage and kids and he clearly doesn't with you.

If that’s not a total turn off I don’t know what would be! Do you actually want to marry and have children with someone you had to cajole or bully into it? Why do you think any of this is ‘usual’?

And why did you move in together after eight months?

You've given him long enough. Please don't waste any more years on this guy.

I'd say either we get engaged within 6 months and married within 12 months, or I'm off. I know colleagues who've given their partners ultimatums. Not romantic but you know where you stand.

How can he live with you for nearly 4 years and feel like this? What does he want out of life if not you? I'd be fuming at him coming out with what he said. Does he not see that his words sound like he may as well have said "sorry for wasting 4 years of your life".

It’s sad but you need to start making plans to leave. He’s told you he doesn’t want marriage and kids. He knows that you are 33 and don’t have time to waste but he doesn’t care.

Sorry, same story. Took my impending 30th birthday for me to walk away after 5 years . Used his parents divorce as his reason for not wanting marriage. Guess what? Married the next person after a year of dating (I did too)