Usual story, scared to commit

Don't marry someone who's scared by the thought of committing to you for life. You want different things. He's wasting your time. He won't go the distance with you.

I would stop arguing with him about it. Tell him that he's made his position clear, and you're now going to review yours.

Are you in a position to book a weekend break/holiday away on your own or with a friend? Go away. Make it clear that if your plans aren't compatible you are quite prepared to walk away, then give both of you some space to think about that.

Do you really, @Lovehearts33? I mean, it sounds to me as if the decision is made. He’s told you he’s reluctant to commit to you for life, that he doesn’t now want to marry you or have children with you, and giving patently false excuses about saving for a wedding you’ve explicitly said you don’t want. His behaviour is telling you that you’re ’good enough’ for sex and sharing household expenses, but he doesn’t want more. Something in your life appears to have taught you that it’s ‘usual’ to have to cajole a man into contemplating marriage, but I don’t think it is.

It seems to me that your ‘choice’ is either choosing him, in the recognition that this may mean you never have a child, or leaving and finding someone who wants what you want.

I had to say to DH “right, it’s time, I’m 30. We’re getting married this year so we can start TTC next year”.

But he was on board with that decision, no arguments about not being ready or being scared to commit, and we’d already had multiple conversations over the previous 10 years about wanting to get married and have kids together so I knew he was on the same page (we got together very young). The discussion was about choosing the right time, not about whether to get married in the first place.

It all sounds like bullshit, leaving you hanging on. Could you do a trial separation telling him you need some time to think about what you want and so should he?

@Lovehearts33
Find someone who will love you and will marry you.
This guy, if you leave him, will get married just not to you
Don't waste your time pretending, you're not the exception you're the rule

You deserve more.

You're 33, want to be 39 and single? End it. Of he wants you and wants a future with you, he won't let it end. A YEAR for him to think about it!!!! Good luck, I'd be long gone.

I mean you got your answer OP, it's not happening. Period.

Haven’t RTWT - but to echo some PPs. ‘Scared of commitment’ generally means one of two things. Either they’re a perpetual Peter Pan who resents the idea of the trappings of family life OR after 4.5 years - they’re just not excited enough about the idea of life with you to pull the trigger.

the stuff about ‘wanting to be in a position to give you the wedding you deserve’ is bullsh**.

If he’s a remotely competent human who cares about you and sees you and hears you - then he’ll know what you want. He’s not ‘scared of commitment’ he just doesn’t want to rock the boat while life is comfortable - and doesn’t care enough about you enough to let you go to find someone else.

get out get out get out get out. 33 is plenty young enough to find someone brilliant and have a lovely family life. But it’s not young enough to waste another 5 years hoping that someone who doesn’t care quite enough now might start caring enough soon

good luck @Lovehearts33 and the stuff about “the wedding you deserve” is an excuse. You deserve more.

But I know it’s really really hard to break up with someone you love.

I agree that 4,5yrs is enough to know.

He might not want to marry until he's 30 & then be married for a couple of years before kids.

He can take that time.

Op, not so much.

Me and my DH didn't get married till ten years after we got together, but then neither of us could be bothered with a big wedding, we both felt we were okay just living as a couple, until we had kids. We did buy a house together early on, which to me at least, was a bigger, scarier commitment than marriage.
I also didn't really have a desire to have kids AT ALL till I got to around thirty four.
I expect a lot of these people getting married later are like me and my husband, happy to drift along together with neither feeling strongly about having kids for the most part.
I don't think you should worry about your fertility per se - unless you have health issues or if early menopause runs in your family - most women are fertile at least till their early 40's - but I think you should cut your losses with your partner and move on. Considering you know what you want, he sounds far too flaky.

walking away isn't as easy as it's made out to be. After all, OP loves this guy, that's the whole

I know this from hard personal experience. I couldn’t walk away because I lived the guy, but I should have. It only made it harder when things inevitably fell apart.

That’s why I’m saying to @Lovehearts33 that she should be clear about wanting marriage and children and give him space to decide - walk away from the relationship for a week or so. And if he’s still putting her off she should finish it. Because it’s going to have to finish it at some point from what she says.

Sorry, OP, I agree with the posters saying he doesn’t want to marry you. You’re worth more than someone settling for you for the time being.

An ultimatum would be a terrible idea. This type of scared man is higher risk of doing a runner and leaving OP a single mum imo.

What he said about the wedding you deserve is a good excuse to give everybody else. It sounds like you are the reason why you aren’t married (you want a big marriage and he’s saving hard)

I think that he doesn’t want to marry you and would happily remain unmarried to you. It wouldn’t surprise me if he ends up as one of those guys who marries and impregnates the next gf fast.

OP, this is going to sound harsh but it's true.

He is not scared of commitment. He just doesn't want to commit to YOU.

I've seen men do more for women they've known 6 months than ones they've been with for years.

OP - he’s scared to commit to you, because he’s not 100% convinced you are the right woman for him. He’s scared to commit because he thinks he might find someone else he loves more and then he’d be stuck with you/co-parenting with you.

if he was certain you were the right woman for him, he’d not be scared to commit. He might want to have a long engagement to save for a good wedding, he might want to delay starting a family until you’ve bought a house, but he wouldn’t be worried about if you were the right person, just if the timing was right.

Walk away.

If this was true he would have been fine with an engagement. He wasn't. Which means it's bullshit.

I'd actually be concerned (because he doesn't want an engagement) that there's a reason. He wants to seem more single than he is. Not just be more single.

You have to know what you want, and not lose that in the fun of a new relationship. Especially where fertility is a pressing concern.

He's not scared and doesn't want to give you, 'the wedding you deserve' the truth is, he doesn't want to marry you, it's nothing to do with you and nothing you have done, you just aren't the one he wants to marry.

My friend said for years to girls he didn't want kids, didn't want to get married, broke up with girls because they kept going on about kids and he was beyond adamant he didn't want them. One day he met a girl within a year he was engaged and she was pregnant soon after and now they are happily married with a baby and one on the way.

I'm sorry, if he wanted to marry you and have kids with you, he would, it's been 4.5 years, he knows what he wants from you and it's not marriage and kids xx

I asked my h if he wanted marriage and kids at the end of the first date. No point wasting time.

I mean, this thread does raise an interesting question. How do you know when to commit to man? They could promise you the world at the start but then before you know it 5 years have passed and they're not interested in marriage or kids and walking away isn't as easy as it's made out to be. After all, OP loves this guy, that's the whole point.

Oh @Lovehearts33 i really feel for you. It happened to me and I clung to a schoolgirl romantic notion that he would finally propose. It never happened and he dumped me quite unceremoniously. I wish I’d been stronger and left earlier.

Just tell him it’s either commitment or you’re finishing it. And maybe just walk away anyway. Allow him to realise what he’s giving up.

Don’t do what I did. I was worth more but I didn’t think I was. You are definitely worth more.

I think the good ones are generally well aware of that though. This guy is messing around and wasting her time.