Usual story, scared to commit

Sorry, but I think this is the case. Looking for greener grass and when he finds it, he’ll be off in a blink of an eye and a daddy within the year.

Listen to him op ...he is scared of being committed to you....he doesn't love you enough. You not the love of his life. He waiting for the love of his life to appear. He settle if not. Op ask yourself what you want. Do you want children, do you want to be married. Are you happy to be as you are in 10, 20, 30 etc years.....

There’s your answer. Two options:

1. accept it and spend your child-bearing years with him
2. move on to find someone else

They say scared instead of unwilling because it lets them play victim. Poor ickle frightened men, don't be scaring them!

We got married after 10 years because we were teenagers when we got together and did want to get Uni/jobs/house sorted out first. But there was never a question we would be together forever.

Please leave him and free yourself to find someone who nothing would prevent them from committing to you. I'm in my 50s now and have seen this scenario play out dozens of times, and it always ends the same way.

No he doesn’t. His gut is screaming at him that he doesn’t want to marry you but he can’t bring himself to tell you.

yes he’s happy with you right now, he doesn’t want to hurt someone he cares about so he can’t bring himself to tell you the full truth because he doesn’t want you to break up with him BUT he doesn’t want to marry you or have children with you either.

look at everything you’ve written here. You know it’s the truth it’s just horrible, a break up will be sad and you’ll both be upset but deep down he’ll be relieved because he doesn’t want to marry you.

This.

I realise that 30 years on, I am still angry with the man who strung me along! Don't be me, @Lovehearts33

No. He's at a very good age to be thinking of creating a stable family.

This is the really tough thing, @Lovehearts33 - I have the same experience as several other PPs - you'll break up, and he'll very quickly move on & settle down.

It's horrible, but you will get through it, and you'll have a far far better life!

Think about it: do you really want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you in a heartbeat? Who isn't over the moon that you are prepared to commit to him for life, and take the huge step of having DC - a step which often makes women vulnerable and dependent on their partner.

You are the one taking the risk. If he isn't jumping at the chance to commit to an awesome woman, then you need to walk away.

The suggestion of going away is a good one. Also, maybe move into the spare room. Stop having sex with him; stop doing housework or cooking for him. Make him realise what he is giving up.

But really, you need to walk away. Take it from me. At your age, I wish I had walked away from the man I thought I would marry.

He's screaming at you that he won't commit to you. You really should listen to him.

After 4.5 years I'd leave a man who said that. This stalling and waiting for the perfect wedding/proposal is all crap, and frankly it's cruel.

If you want kids biologically you can't wait around forever for him and he'll be well aware of that. A decent man would let you go if he wasn't able to commit after this long, but this guy has no issues with keeping you around while he makes up his mind/waits for a better option. It's been 4.5 fucking years.

This isn't on you OP, you deserve better.

It’s such a tough decision @Lovehearts33 , it’s easy to speculate from the sidelines but hard to break up a relationship when you don’t really want to. Maybe the compromise is to step back from this issue in your own mind, take the time to quietly come to terms with the possibility he’s not the one for you but don’t do anything sudden. Take care of yourself, let him take the lead and let his “steer” for a while, give yourself a break.

I’m not suggesting you become sullen and withdrawn instead maybe try enjoying the relationship for what it is now, be fun, have fun, be light and think about what your ideal relationship would look like, with him or with someone else. It’s so easy to become so fixated on wanting a family and wanting someone to propose that we sometimes forget to think about what we really want. Whatever happens, whatever you decide, it will be best to leave the relationship amicably or to choose it and accept the uncertainty.
He is young, he will mature, BUT, that’s not your concern-you are not his mother. Getting married and having children is something he should feel excited by, but he needs space to feel that. Crucially, he ideally needs to wonder if he’s good enough for YOU, if YOU will agree to it. So try getting into the headspace of what life looks like with having children later, or with someone else or even not having children at all (some of the happiest people I know ended up on this route).

I know this feels so unfair, but the truth is no one owes anyone else children or marriage, no matter how good and kind they’ve been. Just try being gloriously, unashamedly, happily selfish and self serving and stop trying to control him. Easier said than done but I promise it will pay off.

OP, I don't wish to sound cruel but he is telling you very clearly that he does not feel the same way about you as you do about him. He has literally told you that he doesn't want to commit to you, that in fact he is frightened to do that.

He is, however, happy to live with you for companionship, sharing of bills, sex etc. You say yourself you do a lot for him. When pressed on marriage he has obfuscated and said he wants to give you the wedding you "deserve", but this is bullshit because the wedding you deserve is one where you are marrying a man who cannot believe his luck that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. As you say, you'd be happy to get married next week at the registry office. This is just him playing for time.

For your own self esteem you need to leave him (and for a shot at having the future you want). You don't actually want to marry this dweeb. You want to marry a man who wants to marry you, not one who is scared of the thought of doing that. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you are not paying attention to either his words or his (lack of) actions.

Lovehearts33 · Yesterday 16:53
I just keep thinking, well what if he's ready next year, the year after?

That sounds like 'sunk cost fallacy'. Think about how resentful you will feel if you stay with him another ten years and he still doesn't want to marry you or have a family with you.

Go and find someone who shares your dream for a family.

He should be scared of losing you, not scared of committing to you. I know it's hard but you need to let go now so you have a chance of the family life you want with someone else who wants you. I would only risk staying with your current partner if you are happy with the possibility of not having kids.

Please wake up, for your own sake. This man is showing you who he is. He doesn't want to get married or have children with you. He is now trying to twist that round and make it your fault by saying he wants to wait to give you the "wedding you deserve"

The "wedding you deserve" is marriage to someone who adores you and would do anything to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you. That is not him. Don't waste any more of your life on him. It's too short and precious.

He's not scared. He just doesn't want to. It's easier to say he is afraid.

Throw him back. You deserve someone who puts in as much as they take out.

If you want children, you have no time to waste.

After nearly 5 years? Nope.

@Lovehearts33 Listen to us - we're all saying the same thing.

He doesn't want to marry you but he doesn't want to rock his nice comfy lifestyle so he's just stringing you along - until he finds the One he does want to marry.

Find your self respect and dump him.

I don’t think he’s stringing OP along. He’s told her he’s not ready to commit to her, is scared of the financial implications and doesn’t want an engagement. She’s just not listening.

I suspect the wedding you deserve is with someone other than him.

YOU are not too young though. He can technically have kids right up into his twilight years - you can't.

He's not being honest with you though, he's completely stringing you along. And he probably won't be any more mature at 32 than he is at 29. Even thinking about him in those terms is a bit infantilising tbh. Is it a partnership, where you're both on the same page with similar goals, or are you just providing a convenient shag and playing mummy the rest of the time? It all sounds quite off putting if I'm honest. Again, remember that it's your time he's wasting. Keep that to the forefront of your mind.

The thing is, you aren’t too young. You have a body clock and can’t wait until he’s 45 if you want to have kids yourself. So either way, you need to move on.

@Lovehearts33 Honestly, you don't

He's made the decision for you

He probably does enjoy spending time with you, but he's told you loud and clear that he doesn't want to marry you

Ignore this at your peril

And, like PP, I also know of men who dragged their heels, didn't want to settle down and then boom, met the right person and married within months