Usual story, scared to commit

For transparency - my partner has major commitment issues. It took 12 years to move in together, 20 years to have a child, we've been together 34 years. He has never proposed. HOWEVER, I very much know my worth, decided to have DC very late, and the idea of being a bride has always filled me with horror. I live in fear of him having a sudden change of heart, and me having to turn him down. I think I'm safe though 🤣You obviously feel differently OP - don't hang around hoping and risking your chances of becoming a mum. Get out there and find someone who truly appreciates you. Good luck.

You deserve someone who loves you. Not someone lukewarm like that.

OP,

I am very sorry you are going through this. Like so many on this thread I had one of these guys in my life and he really groind me down. Again like so many, I met DH (the absolute love of my life) not that long after finally gaining the courage to dump him.

But that ‘s not the best part. The first few weeks after the break were rough. But then I began to realise the ways I had contorted myself to gain that jerk’s approval - you know, so he would marry me. The best part was getting myself back. As I did, I had plenty of good guys to choose from, but they honestly felt like a bonus.

We’re all afraid of the unknown. But you deserve better than you will get with this guy.

I’m really worried you’re too afraid to leave and start again and you’ll waste years waiting for this dope to be ‘ready’ (he never will be with you, I’m really sorry, he’d know by now) and your fertile years will be dead and gone.

Picture that.

You know what you have to do.

Given that you've already initiated several conversations with him and his response has ranged from "I'm scared to commit" to "I don't want to get engaged yet," to "I've spoken to all my family and friends about this but I want to wait until I can give you to have the wedding you deserve." "OK perhaps we could get engaged, hang on I need to think about this."

When you write that you looked him in the eye and asked can he see himself with you in 5 years time and he just looks at you hesitantly, it leads to a conclusion that after all this discussion he's either

1. a coward, not wanting to upset a status quo that's currently in his favour which is entirely selfish and therefore, given your obvious distress, cruel,
2. or he's being manipulative - giving you the grounds to call it all off so that he can maintain the impression that he's the good guy.

It doesn't give the impression, which you've mentioned previously that perhaps he feels he's too young/not ready to decide. He has def decided not now and the evidence leans towards not ever, but only you know how much weight to give that.

So to reiterate, you know each other and I can only go on the summary you've given, but I just feel that if you know someone needs an answer, they look you in the eye and ask for that answer and you withold that answer for whatever reason, that is lacking in care for the person who is asking. Sorry OP, this must be so difficult for you.

Don't you want someone who is excited about a future with you? Excited about making plans about a life together?

If someone was so anxious and scared about the possibility of a lifetime with me, I'd be giving them the gift of freedom, off you pop then. So deeply unattractive.

Have you posted about this guy before, OP?

Anyway, if a man wants to marry you, it's bloody obvious.

You should never have to beg or cajole someone.

He doesn't want to marry you.

The right man will not be scared to commit to you. The right man will be scared to lose you. Age is irrelevant.

My DH is 30, I’m 34 so similar situation to you. We’ve been married for 2 yrs, expecting 3rd DC (we were engaged and trying when we conceived our 1st, so not forced into marriage by accidental pregnancy). We’ve been together a bit longer than you 6.5 yrs. Incidentally, I dated his best mate (same age) for 4 yrs before that and he was too scared to commit to me.

= 2 guys, same age, 1 just wasn’t that into me, the other knew he didn’t want to lose me. Find the guy that doesn’t want to lose you. You deserve better.

Oh dear. Are you the poster who has started dozens of threads already about this guy? I thought the last update was that you'd finally, finally dumped him? If it's you, for the love of God MOVE ON. HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

It doesn't matter if you can convince him too marry you. It's not going to work out with someone who feels that way. I know a woman who waited patiently for her younger boyfriend to commit. When he finally did (reluctantly) she broke up with him after two years. I guess she realised it wasn't that great being married to someone who doesn't really want to be married.

Oh OP - at least you now know. You are lots of fun and he’s happy enough with you, but no, you aren’t his long term plan. He would waste your fertile years using you to be his “plus one” to stop him —going without sex— being lonely until Miss Right comes along.

But now there’s no doubt or “what might have been”, you at least can walk away and know that if you’d stayed he would have probably left you anyway.

Op I had one of these. I had all the same conversations you are having. I badgered and badgered and eventually practically forced him up the aisle ( Vegas just the two of us). Did we live happily ever after? Did we hell.

He just made a big deal about how he’d given me what I wanted. ‘You’ll be nagging me for kids next”. We split up and within no time at all he was re-married.

I regret everyone of those wasted years but now Im happily married to a DH who told me from the outset he wanted to marry me and was the one who made all the plans. His happiness shone through - as did mine - and I finally understood what marriage and commitment meant.

You've had plenty of proof love.

wouldn’t waste any more time on this one. At any age and definitely not at age 33 when you want DC.

Why are you doing this? You're just kicking a dead dog asking questions you know are going to result in hurt feelings. I really don't know what it will take for you to accept the reality of your situation. Just end it and move on already. Why you're still talking to him is a mystery.

He’s 29 not 19.

if he’s immature then he’s not a suitable man to start a family with anyway.

go find your equal.

Nope.

I would only marry someone who was desperate to be my DH, and thought himself the luckiest man alive.

He seems pretty disinterested tbh. You don’t have the luxury of waiting around if you want DC. Bin him and move on.

Oh love time goes by so fast. Do you really want to continue to sleep walk and wake up in 5 years time still with a man scared to commit to you? Scared to have DC? Continually making excuses about his age or you having a big wedding you don't want?

If you do stay you will have to settle for a life you don't want.

Him being sceptical about lifelong commitment is fine, and pretty realistic. (Although he will need to marry you if youre having kids together even if he thinks lifelong commitment is unrealistic). Him being unsure about having children is not fine if you want them and are in your early 30s. You are running out of time to find your children's father. So, if you sincerely want kids, you will need to leave this time waster and find someone who definitely wants children.

Yeah leave. This happened to my friend. She’s never had children. She spent 10 years with a guy who thought she was “okay”, and enjoyed the free sex and found it handy to have someone do the cooking and cleaning for him. Men are quite happy softly exploiting women. They don’t feel it’s wrong.

Why aren't you hearing us @Lovehearts33 ?

When I was about 21 I pretty much forced my boyfriend to buy me a ring. It was 100% a shut me up ring. I told myself and others I'd rather just live with him that not have him at all. I wish I was the woman I am now as I would realise I was trying to convince myself I was happy with this. At the end of the first date with my next man I asked if he wanted to get married and have kids. I didn't want to waste another two years with someone who didn't want the same as me..

No idea if the previous ex married or had kids but he tried to come crawling back for quite a while.

No man. No man at all is worth giving up the chance of having a child. Just ask my friend who is over 60 and will never forgive her h for telling her after they were married he didn't want kids. He regrets it now too.

This is over. This should be over. Honestly he's not that special. When you finally leave, marry and have kids you will wonder what on earth you were agonising over and why you wasted so much of your precious life with him.

He's shamelessly stringing you along. He knows it, we know it, deep down you too know it.

Time to draw your conclusions.

I wouldn’t discount that he will come home one day & tell you that he’s met someone wonderful. When you protest he will say ‘But I told you’’.

He is not a good bet on so many levels.

you’re at the bargaining stage of the Grief cycle. All the What Ifs. I think you know that you’re not going to get what you want with him but frozen or afraid to end it.

I’d move on. Get yourself some counselling. Go off on a long holiday. Give yourself a set period to wallow & heal, max 6 months.