short version: do I stand by and be the supportive sounding board to my friend or give her “tough love” and tell her she is behaving recklessly?
full story:
Very close friend recently got involved with a guy who is trouble. Within a month of meeting they’d moved in together, a few weeks later they were engaged. She is from a conservative south asian family- he is not- she put everything on the line by telling her family about him and faced a huge amount of criticism for the relationship. She took on her family and insisted that they accept him or she would turn her back on them. Her mother recently introduced him as her future son in law at a family wedding.
he has massively love bombed her, especially at the start of the relationship and she has come from a background where she has had to support her family financially and money was always tight.
a month ago, 6 months into their relationship, they get a knock on the door from his ex girlfriend who claims she is pregnant. It transpires that for 3 months of their engagement he was regularly sleeping with her and paying half her rent.
my friend forgave him and offered to support him emotionally through the harassment he was receiving from this ex. They have doubts over whether this is a real or fabricated pregnancy. Then, certain things start to come out about him that he’d previously lied about: he has a criminal record for a sexual offence (he claims it was another ex’s word against his and he had to accept responsibility); he has withheld this information from work as he works with children; through all of this my friend has comforted him, supported him and even sought to protect him from the ex. A few weeks ago he told her that he kissed the ex because she “jumped on him and started feeling him up publicly” He has a habit of lying and then a few days later saying he “wants to be honest” and coming clean.my friend even went as far as saying that she would support him to coparent the baby. He said he was going to speak to ex and tell her to back off and that he was sticking with his fiancé (my friend) and any communication had to solely be about the baby. Then he had a conference to attend in a different city. He claimed that she followed him and accosted him at the barriers at the station.
yesterday he told my friend that he actually took the ex with him to the conference and they slept together. My friend was upset and angry and initially tried to kick him out. She says he refused to leave (rent is 50/50). She then left and went to a hotel but came back an hour later.
now it appears that she still wants to stick by her. Up until now I have supported her by trying to be a kind listening ear while telling her that his behaviour is out of order and he is not a good presence in her life.
can I do or say anymore? I feel if I’m too critical of how she is responding she will shut down and withdraw completely- she’s already tried to isolate herself from her friends. She’s an adult and is free to do as she pleases but equally I feel she is very vulnerable and he is extremely manipulative. I have serious doubts about his account about the sexual offence and worry she is not being fully honest about his behaviour towards her (she’s lied for him a lot recently because she says she feels ashamed).