Missing friend's daughter's birthday party for first time... EVER!

If you’ve already said you are going then YABU, it’s rude to drop out without good reason.

If you’ve not said you are going then it’s absolutely fine not to go. At the age of 8 she is old enough to be inviting her own friends (from school etc) rather than her parents friends children.

If you are south Asian, it is the norm to invite adults to children parties. So much so that most of the time it is a party full of adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins and family friends) and if you don't attend people take it very very personal.

Having said that, if you explain you can't make it, give a card with a present beforehand they will appreciate it more.

My best friendship group we never attend each others kida parties. We all have multiple kids. We invite sometimes when its more of a gethering but rarely attend. The kids want their school friends and closest family like nana etc. They wont be bothered. If you are more like an aunty to the child for example, then just offer to do something separate like cinema as a group. Less people to cater for at a party is usually better for the host anyway.

As long as she hasn’t already asked you to attend and you’d already said yes absolutely we’ll be there, then I don’t see the problem, your response would just be “I’m so sorry, DH has booked us a weekend away, already booked so can’t come this year!”

if you’ve said yes and then gotten a better offer, it’s rude

You and your friend have a close relationship but that doesn't mean your children will necessarily be close so at some point traditions like this have to stop.

I think this is important to hear, OP. You can still be best friends, but your and her kids can be independent. MIL is dreadfully disappointed that neither of her sons married her best friend's daughter, but you have to get used to these little changes as you go along.

Try and enjoy the ride rather than assuming you know every single stop on the route.

It has to happen eventually. You and your friend have a close relationship but that doesn't mean your children will necessarily be close so at some point traditions like this have to stop. You've got a very good reason not to go this year and it doesn't sound like your children will be particularly upset. In all likelihood neither will hers as they will have school friends etc there.
We used to have a similar thing with 2 families actually - one friends of mine and one friends of DH. It was fine when the children were tiny but as they got older and developed their own friendship groups it all just got a bit awkward. None of the kids disliked each other but they weren't busom buddies and had little in common except parents who were friends. We were really relieved when DH's friends suggested we stopped buying each other's children Christmas presents, inviting to birthday parties etc and it gave me the confidence to have the same conversation with my friends. I think everyone was relieved! We (the adults) are still as good friends as we ever were - not having kids who are close friends with each other hasn't changed that.
It may be that this phase is coming to a natural end for you too. You have something to do that weekend that is more important to you and realistically it seems unlikely that your absence will ruin the party. It's not a huge issue, just be honest.

If no plans or agreements have been made then of course you should go away for the weekend, I wouldn't overthink that, just do it.

But if you've already accepted the party invitation on behalf of you and what sounds like at least two children then it's shitty to drop out for a better offer. I know what it's like to be the host and have people drop out at late notice. Your friend will have planned for number of attendees, arranged food, spent money, etc, and perhaps as a very close friend is relying on your help/support on the day. So in that circumstance I would put friends before boyfriend and go to the party. You can still have a day out with the boyfriend at the weekend and go away another time.

Of course you miss the party.

This is probably a bigger thing in your head than in anyone else's.

Just tell friend on this occasion you can't make it.

It's really not that big a deal.

Not a problem. Just because you usually do something doesn't mean you are committed to it forever. She'll still know that her kids' parties are something you prioritise if you're not away.

Many people stop inviting "family friends"/relatives by that sort of age anyway, as if the child is inviting their friends from school then having unconnected friends can upset the dynamic. If different ages, the activities planned may not work so well.

You may find you have trickier decisions in the future, if your kids' close friends have parties that clash, and things like that. Any decent friendship will survive not only "unfortunately we're away that weekend", but also "I can't make it because DC has a football match/dance rehearsal/best friend's party and I need to get them to that".

This.

Without being mean you are way overthinking this.

It’s lovely you and your friend are close but to consider not going for a weekend away when your partner has rare time off to go to an 8 year old kids party instead is insane.

Say now, not only a few days before.

It’s an 8 year olds birthday party, you haven’t been invited to tea with the queen. Just tell her the truth and pop round at another time to see her daughter.

Agreed.

It great doing things with people but if you are that involved that missing it would be a drama I would be reasessing in the first place, this enmeshing sounds too much then

'I'm really sorry, DH has booked us a last min get away and sorted babysitters for the kids and it's clashed with the weekend of (insert child's name) party!
He didn't realise unfortunately so we wont be able to make it now...shall we do something with the kids a different weekend as a little birthday treat for them from us?'

Easy.

This is a non-issue. I don't know anyone who would attend every birthday party for a friend's child!

(In fact, I think most people wouldn't be going to any of their friend's children's birthday parties, because for most people it's for the kid and their school friends, not their parents' friends and their parents' friends' kids.)

Honestly, this is a really weird thing to get worked up about. You're not able to make it because you've got other plans. Send a card and whatever gift you'd normally give and enjoy your weekend away.

Missing the party is not a big deal, but if you have already accepted, changing your mind because you have a better offer is a bit crap.

Don't commit to something unless you are really attending.

| am not sure the 8 year old will miss you!

Yanbu to miss the party! You say “Really sorry but I won’t be able to make the birthday party as we’re away that weekend. Hope she has a fab time!” Simple as that. Actually no reason is needed and you could leave out the bit about going away. You could add that you’ll send her card/present in the post or drop it round on X date if that’s your plan.
It may even be the case that she is only inviting you as she feels you’d be upset not to be invited and could actually be relieved to break the cycle. By 8 they’re usually having parties with their school friends - parties with the parents’ friends are more for the baby/toddler years.

The "EVER!" in your title is a tad melodramatic.

It's something you've habitually done for the past eight years. This just happens to be the first time you're not doing it. With her having three kids and you having kids too, it's surprising that you HAVE managed to make all the birthdays this far without something else cropping up.

This is such a non issue " Sorry Sarah, I've got other commitments that weekend as we are going away. I hope Arabella has a great day, I'll pop her pressies and card round on X"

Of course it’s fine!

Don’t say you’re sorry - you’ve nothing to be sorry for.
Her 8yo is celebrating her bday with her 8yo friends.
You (a non-related adult) happen to be having a non-child weekend away with DH.

Wouldn’t even occur to me to apologise for the above. None of my best friends would even consider expecting me at their kids’ 8th bday parties 🤣

Its tricky if you've already told her you'll be there. The only way I think I'd do this is to say a surprise has been booked and he's had to tell you because you mentioned the party and he didn't realise there was a clash.

Say you're sorry but your DH has booked you a mini break for that weekend then suggest you all get together another time before or after to have a mini celebration.

I wouldn't worry about it, your friend I am sure will understand.