Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being (more) U? Me or dh?

68 replies

NoSir · 02/07/2024 09:55

I am now in a bit of a grump after annoying start to the day. Here is what happened.

Dh dropped the dcs and me halfway to school this morning on his way to work. When we left the house, dd (6yo with mild SEN) left her bag in the hall. I didn't pick it up. I got both dds in the car and dh was last to leave the house. He also didn't pick up the bag.

Got to where dh dropped us off and noticed dd didn't have her schoolbag.

Dh said he would go and get it but then said he couldn't and could I do it? Yes, fine. My work isn't far from school and I could walk home, get the stuff and bring it back in my car.

Walked dds to school. On the way they said they were freezing, so I said I would pick up their jumpers at the same time as the bag.

Got to school gate and started writing gate slips to explain to teachers. While I was standing there dh ran up behind me, dropped the school bag beside me and half shouted "I've got to go, I've got to go!" and ran off before I could turn round. His tone was rude and embarrassing right in front of head teacher, other parents etc He had gone home and got the bag while we were walking to school. He had tried to call me but I hadn't heard it.

Then realised I still had said I would get the kids' jumpers, so still had to walk home, get their jumpers, drive back and then go to work. I also had to tear up the gate slip about dd bag and then write a new one about the jumper instead (in hindsight maybe this was unnecessary)

Called dh on the way home to say wtf was that? I didn't swear though but did say "that was so rude and embarrassing". Non aggressive tone - possibly a bit whiny He was annoyed at me for "telling him off". He has GAD and he sees criticism where there isn't any at the best of times, so when I actually am being a bit critical he stresses the fuck out.

I have italicised the bits where I know I was being U.

Aibu to think wtf and how embarrassing to be spoken to like that in the playground? It was his tone more than anything like totally exasperated. Aibu to also think me phoning him to "tell him off" / say it was rude is less U than doing it in the playground about a foot in front of the Headteacher? Aibu to also think that his anxiety doesn't mean he can just shout "don't tell me off" (which he did) every time I have to tell him something negative? I am so supportive and encouraging 99% of the time.

Ugh grumpy now and I am usually not, so that's annoyed me even more. Humph

OP posts:
fancystrawberries · 02/07/2024 10:57

KrisAkabusi · 02/07/2024 10:05

I can't see he's done anything wrong. Dropping the bag and saying "I've got to go" is perfectly fine and normal. It certainly didn't warrant you phoning to complain about him being rude.

All of this op. He went back for your sake, even though he was obviously stressed for work. He still went back.

And then you tell him off for it.

Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:56

Bestyearever2024 · 02/07/2024 10:53

I'm glad that you've taken the general consensus on board.

It's a shame you think I've been unkind. I think you were being incredibly difficult.

However I did wonder if maybe this morning was especially stressful.

Smile
Show quote history

Well thank you for clarifying. There is other stuff going on (dd with sen, dh with anxiety which can become quite severe). In the context of the thread, I did read "are you always this difficult?", as one of those standard MN phrases which are usually meant to kick the op.

So yes, I'm sure I was more difficult than usual this morning 💐

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 02/07/2024 10:53

NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:49

Are you always this unkind or are you making a special effort for me? No need- I've taken on board what everyone has said. At this point you probably don't need to start getting personal (unless that's how you enjoy yourself in general)

Show quote history

I'm glad that you've taken the general consensus on board.

It's a shame you think I've been unkind. I think you were being incredibly difficult.

However I did wonder if maybe this morning was especially stressful.

Smile
Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:49

Bestyearever2024 · 02/07/2024 10:44

I'll message him to say sorry for the call and thank him for bringing the bag

Good idea

Are you always so difficult or was it just this morning?

Are you always this unkind or are you making a special effort for me? No need- I've taken on board what everyone has said. At this point you probably don't need to start getting personal (unless that's how you enjoy yourself in general)

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:44

Jellytotsandwinegums · 02/07/2024 10:43

I would have been cross too OP - seems there was an implication that you forgot the bag, nothing to do with him, so you could go back and get it, and he time for a quick hello.i'd be pissed off at the immediate assumption that you should go home for the bag, he's too busy, as it seems your time is less precious.

Lots of people have stressful mornings with kids, but getting narky with your partner is not inevitable.

Having GAD is not an excuse to dodge any criticism - though maybe you need to crouch it as 'I'm not criticising you, I do love and appreciate you BUT ....' otherwise you end up being a doormat.

That was certainly how it felt in the moment! But a lot of people have said that's me being tok sensitive, which I can understand

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 02/07/2024 10:44

I'll message him to say sorry for the call and thank him for bringing the bag

Good idea

Are you always so difficult or was it just this morning?

Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:43

FictionalCharacter · 02/07/2024 10:38

Dh said he would go and get it but then said he couldn't and could I do it? Yes, fine.
So why did he then go and get it, and run to the school gate dramatically shouting “I’ve got to go”?
I think this is all quite minor and neither of you were being hugely U. Forgetting the bag and missing calls aren’t crimes. But I don’t understand why he went to get the bag if you’d agreed that you would do it. You would have got to the house and the bag wouldn’t have been there.

And yes, this^^ is why i phoned him. I also didn't understand what had happened. But I appreciate that might have come across more confrontational than it should have

OP posts:
Jellytotsandwinegums · 02/07/2024 10:43

I would have been cross too OP - seems there was an implication that you forgot the bag, nothing to do with him, so you could go back and get it, and he time for a quick hello.i'd be pissed off at the immediate assumption that you should go home for the bag, he's too busy, as it seems your time is less precious.

Lots of people have stressful mornings with kids, but getting narky with your partner is not inevitable.

Having GAD is not an excuse to dodge any criticism - though maybe you need to crouch it as 'I'm not criticising you, I do love and appreciate you BUT ....' otherwise you end up being a doormat.

Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:41

MonsteraMama · 02/07/2024 10:34

YABU for turning this absolute none event into anything at all.

Talk to your husband instead of trying to ensure he's got the most unreasonable points so you can still be in the right. You're in a partnership, not a competition.

Edited

That's not why I'm asking - I don't care about U points from MNetters, or anyone else tbh. I'm asking because he got upset with me saying I thought he'd been rude, so that's why I was asking

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 02/07/2024 10:41

NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:32

Because I should have thought to pick it up? Dd does forget things due to sen, so sometimes have to remind her. Obviously didn't leave it behind on purpose, no

Show quote history

That isn’t you being unreasonable though, it’s you forgetting something, which is something that human beings do from time to time. You’re being ridiculously hard on yourself. You’d have much more peace of mind if you could just think “oh well, never mind”.

Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:39

FictionalCharacter · 02/07/2024 10:38

Dh said he would go and get it but then said he couldn't and could I do it? Yes, fine.
So why did he then go and get it, and run to the school gate dramatically shouting “I’ve got to go”?
I think this is all quite minor and neither of you were being hugely U. Forgetting the bag and missing calls aren’t crimes. But I don’t understand why he went to get the bag if you’d agreed that you would do it. You would have got to the house and the bag wouldn’t have been there.

He must have changed his mind, but I don't know why

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 02/07/2024 10:38

Dh said he would go and get it but then said he couldn't and could I do it? Yes, fine.
So why did he then go and get it, and run to the school gate dramatically shouting “I’ve got to go”?
I think this is all quite minor and neither of you were being hugely U. Forgetting the bag and missing calls aren’t crimes. But I don’t understand why he went to get the bag if you’d agreed that you would do it. You would have got to the house and the bag wouldn’t have been there.

Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:37

Changingplace · 02/07/2024 10:28

Complete non event, and tbh I’d have not bothered with the jumpers - surely they’ll be inside most of the day and had coats on? Why are you so concerned about what the headteacher thinks, you’re not a child you don’t need to defer to them.

That is a really good question - I don't know tbh. I suppose it's because I'd had a couple of friendly words with her and was busy doing what I thought I was meant to be doing, gate slips, then home to grab forgotten bag and jumpers and then just heard this thing drop beside me, a half shouted, exasperated "I've got to go, I've got to go". For some reason that felt a bit humiliating. Headteacher also looked a bit taken aback, but that's possibly because he must have looked as if he was running at her a bit 😂, not because of how he spoke to me

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 02/07/2024 10:34

YABU for turning this absolute none event into anything at all.

Talk to your husband instead of trying to ensure he's got the most unreasonable points so you can still be in the right. You're in a partnership, not a competition.

sevsal · 02/07/2024 10:34

Jumpers are a needless addiction to your OP. DH didn't know about them, we didn't need to know about them. He went home and got your child's bag, brought it to school then dashed off. I would be pleased in this scenario.

Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:32

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 02/07/2024 10:23

When we left the house, dd (6yo with mild SEN) left her bag in the hall. I didn't pick it up.

I have italicised the bits where I know I was being U.

I don’t understand why you think you were unreasonable for not picking up the bag, unless you saw it & deliberately ignored it?

Because I should have thought to pick it up? Dd does forget things due to sen, so sometimes have to remind her. Obviously didn't leave it behind on purpose, no

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/07/2024 10:31

Also, what on earth is a gate slip? What a waste of time for everyone, making you later to bring in the things they’ve forgotten. Easily fixed by:

Teacher - where’s your bag/jumper?
Child - we forgot to grab them but mum/dad has gone back to get it.
Teacher - ok, great!

Seconds. Every parent filling in a gate slip? Not seconds.

Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:31

Coffeerum · 02/07/2024 10:20

You clearly phoned him to drag it out into some type of argument. What do you mean you rang to find out what was going on? You knew what went on, he said he didn’t have time, clearly changed his mind and went back for the bag because he felt bad or something, rang you to tell you the change of plan and you didn’t answer.

Such an overreaction. He’s done nothing wrong, not staying to chat when he was late wasn’t rude, nor was saying he had to go in front of the head. Like what??

Yeah, alright... I've overreacted and probably did call him wanting more to say "WTAF?", which he probably realised. I'll message him to say sorry for the call and thank him for bringing the bag.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 02/07/2024 10:28

Complete non event, and tbh I’d have not bothered with the jumpers - surely they’ll be inside most of the day and had coats on? Why are you so concerned about what the headteacher thinks, you’re not a child you don’t need to defer to them.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/07/2024 10:28

NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:08

I wasn't phoning to complain - it was more wondering what happened as last thing I knew I was meant to be going home to get the bag. But yes, I did tell him it was rude and embarrassing as I did find it quite rude and embarrassing 🤷‍♀️.

But I do accept I was being too sensitive

Show quote history

Surely it’s obvious what happened… He thought he was being helpful after you both forgot the bag.

Both DH and I get stressy trying to get the kids out of the door for school. We’ve both been a bit shorter with the other one than we should be but children being excessively slow, forgetting things, trying to make lunches, etc. all lead to stress. We give each other slack about this.

He tried to be helpful but was stressed. Give him some slack. Calling him up was never going to end well.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 02/07/2024 10:23

When we left the house, dd (6yo with mild SEN) left her bag in the hall. I didn't pick it up.

I have italicised the bits where I know I was being U.

I don’t understand why you think you were unreasonable for not picking up the bag, unless you saw it & deliberately ignored it?

Coffeerum · 02/07/2024 10:20

You clearly phoned him to drag it out into some type of argument. What do you mean you rang to find out what was going on? You knew what went on, he said he didn’t have time, clearly changed his mind and went back for the bag because he felt bad or something, rang you to tell you the change of plan and you didn’t answer.

Such an overreaction. He’s done nothing wrong, not staying to chat when he was late wasn’t rude, nor was saying he had to go in front of the head. Like what??

FrenchandSaunders · 02/07/2024 10:16

This is one of the reasons why I never liked a 'shared' school drop off, or even half way! Mine are older now but we tried to make it the responsibility of just one parent each morning, whilst the other left to go to work.

Tiswa · 02/07/2024 10:13

But you did talk to him like that and you did react like him - all of the in front of the headteacher etc is anxiety on your part

Original poster
NoSir · 02/07/2024 10:10

Gelasring · 02/07/2024 10:09

You actually sound like peas in a pod in your reaction to perceived slights.

Yes, possibly I've become more like that than I realised 😬

OP posts: