How to navigate MIL

I think it’s reasonable, given your DH and his mum aren’t close, for your DH to just say something along the lines of - “Look mum, we can’t do the other dates, I’m not getting into why. But we would love to see you on XXX or after.” And not really engage with the matter further just repeat “I’ve told you I’m not getting into why.” (Adding “If that’s all you have to talk about I’m going to put the phone down and get on with my day.” If she just keeps on.) Your MiL doesn’t have to “buy it”. You can just be clear that you aren’t going to tell her why and refuse to engage. It may alter the relationship, but that’s what enforcing boundaries is intended to do.

But if she was abusive when he was young and now when he’s trying to establish a closer relationship she starts pushing at anything where he doesn’t capitulate, then his plan to call it off instead of having to consistently enforce this boundary so they can meet up later is probably a good one. I don’t think it’s your place to be pushing for a postponement instead if that’s not what he wants. Pressuring people, even in a very low key way, to accommodate their abusers against their better instincts is not normally a good way to support them.

Don't invite Mil at all if she abused your DH when he was growing up! You shouldn't involve a woman like that in your child's life. You say Mil has invited your DH's brother, his SIL and his auntie he hasn't seen since he was a child to your house? Why have you agreed? Just say no. They can stay with your nasty Mil.

I didn't tell anyone until after the 12 week mark because I didn't want to celebrate being pregnant and then have to tell everyone sad news if I miscarried. I thankfully didn't miscarry.

It's your choice when you have visitors and when you tell people.

It's your choice to say no to particular dates.

You can say you will both have annual leave available after a certain date, and will be pleased to see them then, which will be true. No need to lie, which she'd pick up on.

Keep saying that. She may be worried, aware something's up, or just nosy.

While the decision when to reveal your pregnancy must of course be yours, it may be worth researching the statistics for miscarriage after a heartbeat has been found.

For many expectant mothers the 12 week scan is their first scan, and therefore the first point at which a missed miscarriage may show up. However, my understanding (based on information I was given during my pregnancies, which were higher risk) is that where an earlier scan has already found a heartbeat, your chances of the pregnancy being viable are increased.

You will no doubt find people on Mumsnet who have very sadly had a different experience. But I just wanted to provide some balance, and hopefully also help you to feel more positive. Good luck with everything

All the major organs are formed by about 12 weeks. That's why scans are scheduled for then. Sickness starts to die down from 12 weeks too. So many judgmental people!

You could say you're on antibiotics and can't drink/feel unwell. Stick to your guns.

Also, congratulations!!!

It's all very personal and up to you. And you've given good context as to why you might not want to share such good news with them when it's your own special time.

My only comment is about the 12 week mark. Having miscarried, I really do wish I'd told people sooner. Not as soon as I found out at all, as it's a precious time for me and DH, but if it's 12 weeks purely due to risks, then perhaps something you may want to reflect on. Equally, if you're feeling rough, people knowing means you get more support.

That my personal experience and my personal view. I wish you all the best and huge congratulations.

I'd either let it go ahead as planned and bow out in bed sick the whole time they were there - caught something from work sort of sickness. D&V bug might make them leave! Or use work / prior commitments to reschedule the weekend.

Personally considering your relationship with his family I wouldn't give them the honour of being told your are pregnant anyway.

Hope you feel better soon.....I had morning sickness (all day sickness) for 41 weeks with my first and 39 with my second so fingers crossed you feel better after 12 weeks.

Congratulations!

If your MiL was abusive to your DH while he was growing up why would you want to begin a relationship with her when your DH is very distant to his own mother?
When you say that they were due to come to your house, does that mean stay over in your house or does it mean visit during the day and they are staying/sleeping elsewhere?
If it's the latter, then I'd crack on with the visit and just be apologetic if you have to step out or go upstairs and I wouldn't actually tell them anything while they would be visiting which means that you can still stick to your 12 week mark of telling them. Just as there is no hard and fast rule about sharing this information around the 12 week mark, there is also no rule to say you have to share it before/after that time either! Some people wait until half way through the pregnancy, some are so excited that they share at 5 or 6 weeks pregnant. It's each to their own.
I'm still coming back though to the mother who was abusive to her son and you want to establish a friendship/relationship with her....why?????

Given she is trampling over being told no it doesn't bode well adding a dc to the mix. Personally I would tell them you have Covid and are ill. Send links to an Airbnb and tell her you will let her know if you can meet up at all.

Just let him call it off or meet them on his own for lunch.

OP, given that your DH rarely sees his own mother and hasn't seen the aunty since he was 5, I would call it off. If the aunty is still in the country maybe you could arrange to meet for a day somewhere neutral at a later date.

Congratulations,

I would ask yourself if you would still tell them if the unthinkable happened? It's a pretty hard thing to keep to yourself but I appreciate everyone is different. My family's support was so helpful to me when I went through a miscarriage so I never saw the point I'm not telling them. It's really up to you, and I wish you all the best

Honestly, I’d allow him to call it off.

They’re already being pushy. This is his family and I’d just go with what he wants.

Congratulations- you must be delighted!

Your body and your baby do your choice when to tell people. Nobody else has any right to that information until you want to share it.

Just make something up - you've got 4 or 5 weeks to fill in until the 12 weeks I'm guessing :

Weekdays are all work work work, we won't get proper time with you all.

Weekends:
1: we have friends visiting from out of town so they are staying Friday night - Sunday morning
2: we spotted a last minute deal on tickets to xyz so will be going to city 2 hours away taking up the whole weekend
3: illness - think it's Covid, really wiped us out
4: DH has a friends stag do / birthday thing so you have your mum / sister best friend coming to stay and keep you company

Are they just coming for the day? You can always tell them you have a stomach bug. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. By saying you can’t see them at all until week 12 you are creating a mystery form to em which they will try and solve with lots of questions.

Could they come earlier and you just pretend to have a bug and spend lots of time in bed? Or just lie and say your mum/brother/aunt (whatever) is staying with you for a few weeks so you can't accommodate everyone before the 12 week date? Or you're doing an important exam with work and only want to host people once it's finished?
By the way, I was very strict (and superstitious) about not telling anyone until 12 weeks. Then I did and had a miscarriage at 14 weeks.

Surely it's your DH's call? Does he want to see the Korean aunt he hasn't seen since he was five, and, if so, will she still be in the country if you postpone the visit? If he'd like to see her, and she can only come on the original weekend, in your shoes, I'd just have an imaginary stomach upset and be sick in bed throughout the visit. (Or would they be staying with you? It's not clear, nor are the distances involved.)

Of course there is a reason for 12 weeks! Statistically more miscarriages occur at this point. Also, you will have a scan by then and that would tell you if you had a missed miscarriage (I speak from experience).

So letting people know at 12 weeks is a completely understandable decision.

If they're not in contact with you all that much you could make up any sort of story to put them off. But be aware that they will probably put 2 and 2 together and know you lied at the point you tell them.

It's a non-issue? If you are strong about the 12 weeks, then stick with it.

MIL is questioning this, and wants to know exactly why we can't do any date before then, questioning if it's something bad and demanding a phone call etc.
can't take time off work, and leave it at that.

She's not even there, who cares if she is questioning this.

Unless it was originally agreed they came earlier, they have made all the arrangements and you seemingly just changed your mind, leaving them a bit in the lurch.

Congratulations ! Hope you feel better soon. 12 weeks may not be a magic cut off , but it is a generally accepted milestone to reach before going public, and if you feel more comfortable waiting until then , then that’s totally fine.

DH needs to say no, not available. Given you are not close, you don’t owe her an explanation, and you won’t need to row back when she does come and hears the happy news.

Also congratulations 😊

What do you mean they are coming to your house? To visit and stay for a few days YANBU. To come over for the day YABU.

Why are people thinking it is strange that the OP wants to keep it secret until 12 weeks? It is a common practice to not tell until after the 12 week scan.