Where did it all go wrong for you?

I know two ultramarathoners. One is divorced for exactly this reason — his wife just got sick of raising three kids alone. The other is single and childfree by choice, so that he can arrange his life and business around his training and events. He says, quite reasonably, that while he’d like a relationship, he doesn’t see how children could work.

People are content to overlook the 'bad habits' in their new partner and underestimate their partner's willingness to change. At the start of a relationship, many women seem to want to please their new partner which sets a pattern. And a lot of men never really grow up. The slow realisation that your parents are people with their own lives and feelings, and are not there just for you never dawns on them. And again, that sets a pattern for when they get a partner.

When I had my three children very close together I knew life was going to be hard. My DH had always done a lot of sport but somehow when the eldest reached 4 this accelerated. He and his friends decided to start training for Ironman.
When I look back I really wonder what on earth he was thinking.
Training for swimming, running and cycling was all consuming. When he was at home he was amazing.
But so often he wasn't there. Training every night apart from two. All day one day of the weekend and half the next.

Then the preparation races where he would be away all day.

Then the actual events - where he would go abroad. Always for a week and on a few occasions two weeks.
Then there was me - with three kids under 4!
He was away so often that my eldest son really never considered him. So when he was here he had absolutely no interest in him. None of them did.

For my DH I think the reality struck him that his wife and three children had a life entirely separate to him and that his children treated him like a random stranger.

He got injured and had to have time with us forced upon him. And no one wanted him.

We had become our own secure group.
So then he just stopped. I think it really shook him. Now he's a great dad and a very good husband. But the damage is done and he says that he knows I'm perfectly fine without him.

Whenever I see a man competing or doing some stupid walk/swim/cycle across the country challenge I think the real hero is the woman at home looking after the kids while he wanks about in lycra.

Hopefully this thread will be helpful, and so well-placed in AIBU because more will see it. Not only for the women who are ending up in this situation, but also for the women having a go at them and blaming them for it. The responses to women 'why did you have a child with this man?' 'why are you still with such a loser?' are really depressing. The question should be 'how can we help you?'.

I slipped into an abusive marriage. I wasn't looking for one, not even for a marriage particularly. I had this idea of a happy family that seemed to be achievable, maybe like the books where it just happened. When it wasn't working out I thought it's ok, we love each other and will get through this; it's my fault I'm obviously getting it wrong, etc.

I only saw it when I suddenly saw it, clear as day, like scales lifting. I had had some input from others, and did an assertiveness course almost by accident, and then finally it all came together. tbh, I'm not sure at what point it actually went wrong, I just know where it went right! Kindness and solidarity from female friends helped me through. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had got even more guilt and shame from them.

More proof that this board https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships is invisible to so many posters.

YABU @Woodstocks

It seems like the main issue revolves around sharing household chores and support. Clear communication and setting boundaries could help prevent such strains in relationships.

For me in my first relationship it was when I gave up FT work and instead did bank work, being home more meant I took on most household chores, when I restarted FT I was still expected to do everything I’d done PT.
2nd relationship went down hill after birth of DD… again expected to do everything 24/7
and in his days off he was ‘off’ or ‘I’m on holiday!’ So I resented that! Sure he worked, but when he was home he did F all… I was on call 24/7 and was shattered!!

I've had my fair share of rubbish boyfriends, I know how easy it is to overlook bad behaviour when you love someone

Did it happen to you?

I don't think anything necessarily changes dramatically, there were probably red flags from the start which were ignored or forgiven until it became too much