Where did it all go wrong for you?

To be honest the longer you are single the easier it is to know your own boundaries and to respect someone else's.

It's a hard lesson I have learned but we're ultimately all just flawed individuals muddling through life.

This is my personal experience. Things went wrong in my marriage because we had too much on our plates. We had three kids (which we don’t regret at all) but also both work full time, as well as me studying every evening. We stopped communicating and started snapping at each which led to resentment and arguing. Luckily we realised things were bad a few months ago and made changes and began to talk, and lessened our working hours and the amount I was studying. Sometimes life gets in the way and you have to prioritise what’s important. Luckily we’re back on track now. However, we both recognised things were bad and were both committed to making it better, and there has never been an imbalance regarding housework child care etc.

I agree with you. However, I remember telling a really smug acquaintance that I was divorcing ex and her saying 'anyone could see that was going to fail'. It really made me feel like a fool for trying.
Her husband is a shit too.

I feel like I'm getting there now but it started around when my child turned 3, they're 4.5 now. We also married around a year ago too and it's just been awful.
He's drinking more, moody, tempers, no drive to do anything, overweight, face constantly stuck in his phone and just full of bad habits. Refuses to do anything to improve himself and it's absolutely exhausting picking up the slack on top of being the default parent. And wonders why I lose my temper at home and I don't want to have sex anymore.
I think we can work through it but it'll need some work..

I got fed up of doing absolutely everything - working full time in up to 5 schools, all cooking and housework, homework and taking to clubs etc.

He came in from work at 8, ate dinner then fell asleep till bedtime.

My mother totally took his side saying that was what I should expect to do.

How the fuck I stayed for 25 years goodness knows

Yes this. I suspect the red flags are already there but they don't seem to be too much of a big deal because it's just the two of you and everything is easy.
Plus, he seems decent enough so surely he'll love you and your future children and change.
But that doesn't happen.

For me, it was this. Huge power imbalance from the start and I was too young / enamoured / naive to realise.

Having had two friends in situations like this, I totally agree. They overlooked the stuff the rest of us weren't prepared to.

I wouldn't say things have gone wrong exactly. It just wears me down a bit. I work full time, he doesn't work as he looks after our 3 DC. But I still buy, plan, book, confirm, pay for absolutely everything. Clothes, food, cooking, holidays, school trips, GP appointments, playdates, birthdays. I've managed to give him MOTs and dentist appointments for the kids, that's it. I don't mind that though. I mind that when I book this stuff, I check with him first and then send him the confirmations, plans, itineraries and he'll show up in the wrong place at the wrong time because he couldn't be arsed to check.

Having a second child

I knew he was selfish from the beginning. I allowed myself to hope that he'd change. That was a risky gamble that didn't pay off. My mistake.

You are correct!

My ex was a workaholic when I met him. I actually admired how hardworking and dedicated he was. At least until I returned to work after DD and he figured he could carry as if nothing much had changed in his life.

Getting married

What was the assertiveness course if you don't mind me asking? Sounds like it was useful for you. I can be assertive, but not always in the best way 🙈

If things are good now, as you say, they may well never change, so who go looking for trouble?

It's quite easy to walk into these kinds of relationships. Especially when you're young and inexperienced, as it was for me.

Had two children fairly young to my first ever long term relationship. He lived his life as it always had been, work, hobbies, mates etc. Whilst mine changed completely. I looked after the children and did absolutely everything in the house. When he failed to pay bills, I would pick that up too. He barely spent any time with us and even when home, would be in a separate room.

I was very fiery and would argue a lot, but his stone cold indifference to us meant I had to do everything, or it would never be done.

One day, as I was picking up his dirty clothes from the stairs, that he had discarded on his way up to shower... I realised how pathetic I had become.

The next time he had a tantrum and packed his stuff, I let him leave and refused to have him back.

I had been a single mum working full time for several years when I met DH. He was kind and reliable, but even then I laid out very strict ground rules regarding division of chores, bills and how I expected to be treated if he moved in. He agreed. We've been happily married for 15 years with more DC in that time. He is very much an equal parent and as such, I don't resent him as the early baby days were never left to just me as they had been before.

I am 'harder' since that first relationship and don't let myself be treated poorly and absolutely would not accept anything less than fair in the house/childcare stakes. But DH agrees so it's very, very rarely been an issue.

Sadly, sometimes it does take being treated poorly for some of us to raise our standards.

Based on what people recount on here, you would think it was as mythical as unicorns, but in fact I have had a strong, equal partnership before and after children, possibly helped by having been together a long time before having children, and being older when we had DS. Our various circles also holding up well in equality stakes. Things that may have contributed — no SAHMS (though one SAHD for a couple years as a trailing spouse, and one longterm SAHD due to illness), and nearly everyone postponing having children till 35+ when they had more money and flexibility at work

I re-met a man from school when was 27, we went out partying , drinking and going to gigs. We were basically living like students. I loved his company and a few years passed and we mentioned having children in the future. I came off the pill at 31, on my 32rd birthday we got engaged and 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
That was 7 years ago, life has been downhill since.
The turning point was definitely DD being born.
We could no longer be the careless selfish party animals we once were. We had responsibility.
I had to change my lifestyle -he didn't (as much).
I had severe PND, our families fell out, resentment has been there for years now but we don't split up because of our daughter and finances. Sad but true.

I basically got pregnant quickly and by accident without really thinking how it would pan out. We had bad arguments before so I should have known it wouldn't get better after a child.

My advice would be if you plan to have children with someone, make sure they are not selfish and you are on the same page. It helps if your families get on aswell x

I didn't have kids in part because I knew it's a choice between that and an equal and fun adult relationship.

I imagine some people manage both but I dont think it's common.

I had my arse soundly handed to me on a similar thread once. Apparently it’s because there are too few decent blokes going around so if you want a relationship odds are you just have to put up with an arse. The alternative is apparently being single and childless forever, not setting boundaries for yourself.

Bad behaviour is not necessarily abuse.

I know women who have been with partners for years; always moaning about them, calling them 'manchild', seemingly unable to have an adult discussion with them to find out what each other is feeling - and then marrying them! I feel like screaming at them sometimes.

I think we overlook the faults because of the positives, or don't think we deserve better. We delude ourselves it's all ok. Then, when life gets harder (kids, illness, redundancy, bereavement) the cracks start to show.

My first husband's change of career killed our marriage. We were both to blame with hindsight. He got a very good job but working shifts. He became a workaholic, was hardly ever home. I liked the money but used it for going out & building my own life, saw my friends more than him. I became resentful but never really told him because if I'm honest, I liked the money. Woke up five years later, felt lonely and left. We didn't talk it through enough. I learnt so much from it and have been in my second marriage 18 years & still really happy.

I think in a lot of cases it's lack of foresight, what some can forgive in a boyfriend is harder to live with in a husband, and is dreadful when you have children. I had a friend who just used to brush so many things under the carpet and her life was a complete mess. I don't have a carpet to brush things under, my brain doesn't work like that and after seeing her life I'm so pleased it doesn't.