I just want someone to tell me what to do

This is why you feel the way you do.

Please start by taking all the guilt and shame away from how you are coping/not coping. No one can function well on constantly broken sleep.

You have my total support and understanding. DS2 is autistic, undiagnosed for years, and never slept. Never ever ever. He woke every 40 mins for at least 30 mins, screaming and thrashing. I was so tired I forgot my own name. My house was a mess. I had to leave a really brilliant job. My self esteem plummeted and I got severe depression. I thought I was a useless mother, useless employee, useless housewife, useless friend, useless wife.

I was just broken with fatigue. It is used as a form of torture for a reason.

Understand that your life is currently limited by your child's sleep patterns. There are things you can't do due to chronic sleep deprivation. With no guilt whatsoever, look into taking time off work with stress while you try to get some medical help for your DC and for you. Maybe a sleep clinic. Maybe melatonin. There was nothing around when DS was small but perhaps there's help now.

For housework I learned to rely on 5 minute 'room rescues.' (Flylady.) Set a timer for 5 minutes and improve a room until the timer sounds. Empty bins, hang up coats and bags, pair shoes, chuck out any junk mail, used food and drink containers etc. Put dirty washing in the machine and turn it on. You will be amazed how much better a room looks after only 5 mins. When I was really tired I used to do it for 2 mins, as half way through 5 mins I'd forget what I was doing, my brain was so shot to pieces.

Every day make a list, if only in your head, but ideally in a notebook, of what you did do, not what you didn't. Very revealing. You might think: Yet again I go to bed with the house a tip, not having changed the sheets etc etc, But when you write it down, you find you spent 3 hours rocking a sobbing baby, 1 hour cleaning up sick, 30 mins trying to get a GP appointment. You realise you did actually prep food, put on a wash load, bathe your child, walk the dog etc.

You also may be ND, as you suggest. Worth trying to get tested for Autism and ADHD - long wait lists but no harm in joining them. And also test for PND. Medication for anxiety and for ADHD if you have it, or for depression will take the raw edge off these days. Taking meds is no sign of failure, It's a sign of self care and finding ways to cope.

Have you had your blood pressure checked recently?

Fatigue is a really common and debilitating symptom of ADHD since it takes much more effort and energy for us to do the essentials, so if you're sleep-deprived too that obviously won't be helping. It does sound like getting more sleep is a priority, although I know this is easier said than done.

Op as you are so sleep deprived you cannot tell anything...

Push hard all your worries aside for now, they are not going anywhere so just mentally park them away from you.

Work out in detail how to get a full nights sleep with your DH, one of you has to be right away from DS, can you sleep at a friends/relatives/downstairs..half the week, say every other day? anywhere you cannot hear DS?
Can you wear noise cancelling headphones, good easrplugs, soundproof a room...anything?
Plan carefully how to do this to suit you, which days you do and Dh does..(the other must NOT be disturbed under any circumstance)
Where can you sleep to not hear DS ?
when he wakes can the on duty parent stay in his room with him, with the door shut?
Can the off duty parent sleep anywhere in the house and not hear him?
Focus on getting this routine down and prioritise above all else.
If each of you can have 3/4 nights good sleep say 10pm till 6am then EVERYTHING else will change for the better.

Only then will you be able to see what to tackle next.

good luck sleep deprivation is torture.

I don't know why my link above says lymphoma!! I didn't link to anything about lymphoma.

Edit: ah, it's because there are links within the text I C&P'd.

Elevated levels of LDH and changes in the ratio of the LDH isoenzymes usually indicate some type of tissue damage. Usually LDH levels will rise as the cellular destruction begins, peak after some time period, and then begin to fall. For instance, when someone has a heart attack, blood levels of total LDH will rise within 24 to 48 hours, peak in 2 to 3 days, and return to normal in 10 to 14 days. LDH levels are elevated in many other conditions reflecting its widespread tissue distribution.
Elevated levels of LDH may be seen with:

1. Cerebrovascular accident (CVA, stroke)
2. Drugs: anaesthetics, aspirin, narcotics, procainamides, alcohol
3. Haemolytic anaemia
4. Pernicious anaemias (megaloblastic anaemais)
5. Infectious mononucleosis (glandular fever)
6. Intestinal and pulmonary infarction (tissue death)
7. Kidney disease
8. Liver disease
9. Muscular dystrophy
10. Pancreatitis
11. Some cancers
12. Lymphoma and other cancers

https://labtestsonline.org.uk/tests/lactate-dehydrogenase-ldh

Your ferritin is quite low. Have your B12 levels been checked?

Start using Autism resources, you don’t need the diagnosis to get started. There are loads of women with autism on YouTube who really get it. Download a bunch onto your phone and listen when you can. The more you learn, the more you realise you’re not broken, you’re one of many and you start accepting how your brain works and making adjustments.

This sounds exactly like autistic burnout.

You need more sleep. It's impossible to tell if you need therapy or anything else while you're so sleep deprived.

Your dh needs to do more to facilitate your sleep. So, you need to be completely off duty sometimes and he just copes. If you both work, he should be doing half the night waking.

We had a particularly bad period where one of us would sleep 6pm-midnight and the other would sleep midnight-6am. Get those hours in however you have to.

You shouldn't take it on SSRIs due to the impact on serotonin receptors is what I was told.

Also tryptophan is much safer than 5htp but mostly comes in powder form and can be a sensory hell to take.

CBT is gaslighting IMO.

This was my experience, sadly. I'm sorry it was like that for you too.

You put the brakes on and stop! Get signed off work and begin building from there! You can’t pour from an empty jug.

OP, I agree with what this pp said! You've got a lot on your plate and sleep deprivation is a real killer. You need to be as kind to yourself as circumstances will allow. Hope it soon gets easier.

Two nights in a travel lodge will do you the world of good op.

Baby is safe and with dad, who can cope for 2 nights. You won't be woken because baby won't settle straight away with dad, he will have to settle baby himself. Or learn very quickly, like you had to 20 months ago.

I've recently recovered from a chronic pain condition that woke me dozens of times a night. Once I got on top of the sleep I felt so much better in myself - the other stuff (physical and emotional) becomes much more manageable one you get some sleep in.

If your dh isn't prepared to support you in this, could a grandparent come to stay for a couple of nights so you can take some time out?

If you were my friend I would offer to do this for you. I'd hate that you were struggling so much. Hugs x

Have you had any blood tests run? It isn't unusual to be really low in ferritin (iron stores) after giving birth, that can cause loads of issues physical and mental. The NHS ranges are usually too low as well, the world health organisation classes anything lower than 30ug as deficiency (most nhs trusts go down to 10 as minimum range) people can be symptomatic under 100. There are other deficiencies or conditions that can cause or worsen these problems too.

I take 5htp which is an amino acid precursor to serotonin, it helped enormously with sleep and anxiety. I don't know if you can take it if you are on SSRIs though, but it helped me more than antidepressants did.

You sound totally overwhelmed. When this happens to me I make a long list of everything that is bothering me, then i cross off the things I have no control over because they can’t be changed. Then I break down the things I can control and make them into more manageable chunks. So for me the house is overwhelming so I broke it down into doing 3 jobs per night and then at the end of the week I found I had a nice clean house and I was more in control (I’ve also kept this up) so one a Monday I’ll do tidy, polish, bins. Tuesday I’ll do hoover, mop, bathroom, Wednesday I’ll do a washing, a shop and clean the kitchen….see what I mean?
Remember when people say to take it day by day? This is the same but you’re taking it one job at a time.

You put the brakes on and stop! Get signed off work and begin building from there! You can’t pour from an empty jug.

Take the baby into bed with you op, you need a sleep.

I have (diagnosed) ADHD and this sounds a lot like me when things start getting too much. If you're physically exhausted/unwell then it makes it so much worse. I agree with PP about requesting test results so you can see for yourself where you are in the ranges.

I've had several goes at CBT but it made me feel more stressed out and anxious, so I can understand that.

https://adhduk.co.uk/support/

https://adhdaware.org.uk/

I've found these organisations helpful. They have support groups and you don't have to have a formal diagnosis to access them.

Can you afford to hire a cleaner?

You're in burnout. Right now, you need to be signed off work. Autistic burnout is a thing, and I've been through it.

Keep him in nursery whilst you're off too. Take the time to rest and recuperate. Keep demands to a minimum.

My eldest was the same sleep wise. I don't quite know how I got through it, but I did, and he's a 31 year old man, who's fast asleep on the sofa currently, as we're staying with my other kids visiting.

Life is exhausting enough working ft with a small child. Throw in neurodivergence AND the anxiety it brings, and it's hardly surprising that we struggle.

Hang in there, ask for an assessment referral, take the time off work you need. You're really important. Once you're better rested, you'll be able to start to cope with the little things, and that's what you build on.

You're doing okay, you really are, you're not shit at life, you're actually brilliant at it. You're just fucking knackered and burnt out. It can get better.

Both! Their dad has undiagnosed autism but it’s became quite apparent he was undx when our eldest turned out to be his personality twin. I have three children, the youngest has also been referred for an autism diagnosis (those genes are strong 🤣). Their dad is a seemingly rarer example of having ASD without adhd - I drove him bonkers with my ability to lose every item going, unable to turn off my brain so constantly over analysing/planning everything, time blindness, inability to process verbal instructions first time, finding me completely zoned out when overwhelmed… (and dont get me started with the nightmare I had during school). It took longer for my eldest’s ASD to be recognised as he is verbal and doesn’t have a learning disability, but his adhd was diagnosed quite quickly. My other son had more ‘typical’ ASD/ADHD traits from toddlerhood.

That’s not true. It depends on your area. I was offered therapy before CBT.

When hubby does 2 nights a week sleep in a separate room and put ear plugs in, he can wake you in an emergency. DO NOT intervene otherwise. Before bed have a camomile tea,
do a sleep meditation, pillow spray - all can help with sleep quality.

Yoga nidra is very restful. Plan in a few times a week just 10-30 mins with someone else watching the baby.

Do an online food shop each week. Make one meal plan and order the same stuff each week for now whilst it feels overwhelming. Focus on eating protein, carbs and healthy fats in each meal and cut out all the CRAP (caffeine, refined sugar, alcohol, processed foods) as it will only make you feel worse. Get a large 1L water bottle and fill it 2 times a day.

Contact home start, they can help with a volunteer 2 hours a week to watch the baby, you could blitz the house then, have a good tidy up and get on top of laundry. Or ideally do one load of laundry a day and a quick 15 min tidy up each day when baby naps with hubby taking charge of cleaning down the kitchen each day. Get a cleaner if you can. Then use the 2 hours to have a good nap yourself.

Whilst figuring out fatigue issues, don’t over exert yourself physically, minimal exercise, short walks only, try to keep an activity diary to identify any particular physical or mental tasks that make you feel exhausted a few hours to days after. This can help with identifying post exertional malaise which is a defining feature of ME/CFS.

Take time off sick and focus on establishing a routine for home and focus on your health.

I am doing my 6th round of cbt as an autistic adult but this time I have been offered it via webchat.

In my first appointment I said look, cbt hasn't worked for me before, I'm still the way I am and my therapist said what didn't work?

I listed all the ways I struggled, visualisations, reframing traumatic events etc. And she was actually extremely lovely and worked with me rather than against me and now we are doing cbt but she also listens to me.

She has also said that the person I was before burnout isn't possible to be again. And the point of cbt isn't to cure autism, and there will always be challenges with autism in my life however there are some things cbt can help with before I reach complete dysregulation and meltdown mode. It could mean the difference in a day where I brush both my teeth and my hair or just my hair.

It's not meant to be a cure.

And every time I have done cbt I have learnt something new.

So even though it isn't very neuro-affirming, it has still been helpful and it's a stepping stone to more services.

It's worth engaging with it.