I am struggling big time

You have a DH problem.
He needs to do more.

Do not give up work, this is your pension and protection if you split.

I see this time and again, women being SAHM then being surprised they have a shit pension or no way of supporting a household when they divorce.

Get the cleaner in twice a week, laundry service and get your DH to pull his bloody weight.

Or threaten to divorce him and do 50/50 I can guarantee you he wouldn't want that. Taking full responsibility for the DC half the time.

Yeah husbands never EVER see that when a wife goes back to work, the mother ends up with TWO JOBS and a fuck load of extra stress. It’s relentless and if you drop the ball, everything falls into chaos so fast. I remember my husband and I arguing over who should take a day off when our son was sick, it wasn’t our finest parenting moment, and that conversation was the reason I didn’t go back after number 2.

I’m a SAHM, I worked FT after my first child but then quit……it was too much strain and we were able to do without the second salary. Now my kids are in school full time, I do go to the gym every day while they’re at school BUT the rest of the time is focussed on domestic tasks. I’m an efficient and energetic person and looking after it all takes time, I have no idea how two full time parents manage. Having been there, I wouldn’t go back unless I really had to.

OP, your kids are tiny, try and stay at home more/longer if you can. Your husbands resentment shouldn’t really come into it. I can see why you’re completely stressed out…. Having it all doesn’t mean DOING it all .

Oh Op, I feel you 😩 I work full time over 3 long days/nights. The hours themselves are exhausting and I constantly drop balls with life and school admin. I’m trying to drop to 2 days as I’m a single parent and I can’t keep up with the random childcare hours. Solidarity

It's so tough op. For every thread on here where we are told it's relatively straightforward to juggle very young DC, broken sleep and a full work load, and we all should be able to manage, and we are being "perfectionist martyrs" if we can't, there are hundreds of threads where, in reality, women are finding it very challenging. So don't be harsh on yourself. What you are experiencing is very normal. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

May I suggest that if your DC are mainly turning to you in the 'night, or when when they are ill, than your DH isn't doing enough child care on ordinary days and nights when they are well.

Is your DH stressing about childcare cover for the summer holidays as much as you are? If not, that is another indication that he is not sufficiently involved.

Can you get him to see the problem? Write down every single task that you do for a month, however small, and then write them all out in a list and distribute them more evenly. You shouldn't have to "manage" him this way but he needs to know everything that needs doing and he needs to know that you're struggling and you can't cope with the status quo for much longer. Present it not as a debate but as a straightforward "I cannot not carry on like this and here's why". He's being ridiculous if he thinks you can do the majority of housework and childcare and still maintain the same work hours.

So if he doesn't do well shouldering the financial burden alone (and I would love to know how him "not doing well" manifests itself) then he needs to step up more on the domestic front to allow you to freelance. The reality is that most men take their foot off the pedal even more though when their wife is at home more than them, so be very, very careful op how you negotiate and set up the distribution of tasks. It's usually better when both parties cut their hours and both do more in the home. Again though, a lot of men don't crack on sufficiently with domestic tasks when at home, and waste the extra time.

I was very lucky, and my dh did equal if not more nights than me when the DC were young, despite having a full on serious professional job. And he took on the majority of the supermarket shopping and cooking plus car stuff and bins. Plus half of the school runs. He arranged his own work to make sure that he could do this without me asking. He just took on the responsibility. It's those things that made all the difference in the world to me and enabled me to do the rest of the bulk of the domestic and childcare tasks during the day while working PT.

Personally I'd quit, I don't say that lightly. I did the same when kids were little as it was too much to juggle for a while. As I'm a PT health is everything for me and I knew I'd end up with adrenal fatigue or similar simply by overwhelming my physiology (inevitable)-like you there were a couple of ongoing sickness issues (now resolved) with one of my kids when small, and I remember juggling that with sleep cycles, nursery, all the usual and there just wasn't enough of me to go round.

There's only so much your body can take before you crash and you're on your way there, it's not about resilience it's just the basics of biology and how the body works. I'd say if you can, take a career break. I did and long term didn't affect me at all. I know industries are different but just speaking from my own perspective it was totally the right call.

Blimey that's a bad run, good luck with meetings today.

If your DH actually loves you and values you and wants you working full time then he needs to step the fuck up.

I would stay full time and put a rocket up his arse.

You love your job, love your kids so he needs to do 50/50, you don't need to be his manager as well you just need to tell him you are breaking under the pressure.

What this will do long term is break your marriage and you will stack resentment and loose all respect for him. In 4-5 years when you are on the other side you'll start to get angry about his lack of support.

I was in your exact position running a business with 6 staff, kids your age, up at nights, running a house, why the heck I thought that was normal is anyone's guess but my DH just got under my feet and was frankly pathetic at supporting or recognising my stress.

I had a breakdown and finally the penny dropped with him, I was always sick developed chronic conditions and was a mess.

It was all resolved he stepped up and became a functioning adult, but 15 years on I still question wtf was he thinking, how did he not see me, how did he still want sex, why the hell did I let that happen. I can't ever wrap my head around these men that love their wives but will happy watch them break in full sight without so much as a "are you ok"

I go against the grain, and stay full time, stick out the job, and have a very frankly very angry and brutal chat with DH and get mad, get angry, get upset, show him you are not coping and fingers crossed he's a decent one who's just being a bit dumb and not an utter arsehole.

Ask your husband to step up. It's not about what the kids want but running a family!

How much is your DH doing at home?

I think sitting down with him and listing the chores/admin needed to run the house would be useful. If he doesn't want to feel the burden of being the sole earner (fair enough, that's a lot of pressure), and the kids are highly dependent on you, then the only option is for him to do a lot more at home.
At the same time, you both need to work on how to get the kids to see him as a reliable emotional/capable parent if they are ill/needy. If you are both working then he needs to share the load.

That is a far more beneficial solution than you having to jeopardise your future salary increases, pension and financial security in the event of a split.

I'm in a situation due to DS and an elderly relative both having very demanding struggles at the moment, and this is only going to get worse. If my DH suggested me give up work I'd be really pissed off that I should sacrifice my financial security. Instead, we looked at what we could do to simplify our life, to cut down other commitments, to share the burden equally in a way that means we still have time snd energy to enjoy life.

Why is your dh not tidying the house and tackling the piles of washing??

Honestly OP in your situation I would reduce hours to PT, at least for the next few years. Have a frank discussion with your DH and explain how you’re feeling. It’s unfair of him to expect you to work full time whilst also shouldering the majority of the household burden. Surely he can understand that? I would feel resentful of his attitude tbh. Best of luck. I’m sure you’re doing a great job X

I just re-read your message - perhaps going back part-time is the answer? Then you can keep a hand in, and not feel out of the game, but not have so much pressure? I can't imagine how tricky it must be trying to juggle full-time with kids so really feeling for you!

It’s tough going when they are so young and catch everything going. I was part time for a decade, largely due to my own ill health but it helped, as i’m a single parent. It meant I didn’t need to spend all weekend catching up on housework. Their father worked overseas a lot so most of it fell to me and I was seriously unwell at the time too and so I feel for you as I remember how tough it was. Yes my pension is reduced for those 10yrs part time, and yes my promotion opportunities were stalled, I stayed static for years, but my health couldn’t have taken work stress I have now on top so I don’t regret that. I really enjoyed the 1 day I had at home with my daughter before she started school, and later I had 2 days off in the week so my kids could have some play dates on those days. I’ve been back full time for 5yrs now, got a promotion and now my children are 16 and 19 it’s fine to be full time. I would never have quit my job completely, as it’s a career not just a job, but being part time was a really good option when the kids were young. All grown up now and don’t need me so much so plenty of time to pick my career back up now.

If you just want to quit, then do it. Your youngest will be at school before long, maybe you need to be home for the next couple of years and take the pressure off yourself. Trust that you will pick up your career again.

This is the shittiest part of parenting, they need you constantly and it feels like it will never end. I would really do everything you can, though, to keep your job. If you quit you are taking a permanent step to address a temporary problem. See if you can flex your hours or go PT for a while, but I would really encourage you to do that only if you have an "on-ramp" back up to FT. Outsource as much as you possibly can - even just a "mothers helper" a few hours a week so that you can get the laundry put away or sleep and have someone clean and do your laundry. And it goes without saying that your husband needs to up his game - if the kids want you, that's his time to deal with laundry, dishwasher, etc.

Good luck, it's brutal but one day this will be a memory.

The problem with quitting is if anything went wrong with your partnership you'd be fucked.

DH doesn’t like the idea of shouldering the majority of the financial responsibility but clearly you are working while shouldering the bulk of the child care and household admin.
Too much is expected of women these days. They take on 2 jobs because their male partner resents being the sole earner.
And it doesn’t matter if they have the best intentions and want to be more involved.
Most kids want their mum when they’re unwell.

Quitting your current job would not be unreasonable.

Hey OP. Sorry to hear you are really stuck in the thick of things right now. Are you able to have a very frank discussion with your manager about your needs at present? Are you able to stay in current job and condense or drop hours?
Hugs x

Can you go back to pt at least all in full time school and sleeping through the night. That way you still have a career to go back to.

if the kids only want you get DP to take over all the washing so at least that is off your to do list

It would be nice for you to be able to focus on your freelancing

You should consider it. It will only be for a few years and I think you can catch up on your career. I think too much is expected from mothers these days, even just as an example what you mention re kids getting sick etc