I am struggling big time

Don't quit your job or cut your hours.

If I'm honest, I don't see your marriage lasting. You aren't a partnership in anyway. You might think in terms of 'Us' but he doesn't, he thinks in terms of 'Me' (first of course) and 'You' (secondary) and 'You' includes DCs.

He wants a 1950s life with a housewife doing all the housework, presenting him with pipe and slippers when he comes through the door. His involvement with DCs is limited to a quick kiss goodnight.

The reality is that he 'doesn't do well' as sole breadwinner. So he needs you to work so that he can share the financial burden. But he doesn't want to share the domestic burden.

He's a bit useless isn't he?

Absolutely this.

Your husband does not care about you. hes happy to see you are struggling and let you carry on struggling.

I've worked full time throughout. Kids are now 9 and 12 and the early years were certainly the hardest.
We don't have any family support locally.
It does sound like your DH needs to step up. Really look at all the workload, list everything and ask him what he is going to pick up. If he is unwilling look at all the things you do for his benefit and stop.
He doesn't help with laundry the his doesn't get done. Just do yours and the kids.
For summer look for a childminder, you may be able to find one with spaces over the holidays as they may have term time only children.
If this isn't an option tell DH the 3 weeks you can't cover and tell him he will either need to take leave or find childcare.
I did reduce my hours to 30/week for a couple of years so worked 9-3 and was able to do school runs but this had a negative impact on me as my job is such that the workload didn't actually reduce. I now do a 9 day fortnight and use my day off to deal with house/life admin. Why do you need his permission to condense your hours?
Foodshop do online.
If you do remain at work finding a way to accept that there are things that just won't get done is key. This time is really hard but it will pass.
Good luck

In addition to all that’s been said already OP- things will get easier in time OP, as your little ones get older and less dependent on you. I know you know this deep down but sometimes hearing it helps.

For the sake of your sleep- maybe get a little foam fold up child’s bed to put in your bedroom, ready made up for DC6 to come and sleep in during the night without disturbing you and your sleep?

For the night owl child have agreement that they can stay up later but need to stay in their room having quiet time looking at books etc?

1. DH needs to step up. Go through the weeks plans in advance, delegate out. It's not your job to manage the household but it falls naturally to us as times. I have no problem telling DH what he needs to do, which pick up, which homework, what dinner.

2. Work part time if you're able to, don't quit. If you enjoy work, don't quit to give the house your full attention, it will affect you mr career in the future. Part time will allow you to be a present mother too, and enjoy the children rather than just be their butler.

Put your foot down. You aren't a door mat and ensure your husband does his bit as a partner and father with hopefully common sense.

Get help - cleaner. Get some ready meals for a break. Nothing is forever so you should do what works for you now.

Good luck. They said we can have it all, but really, you can't at the same time as quoted by Michelle Obama!!

Having read your updates, only quit your job or reduce your hours if you're sure that your marriage is solid and that finances are shared (you won't be financially penalised eg expected to still pay 'your share' from a much smaller pot). Or reduce marginally (eg 4 days or 4.5 days) so you can keep on top of the basics but it won't affect your career

You are where you are with your absolute shit of a husband. I can't imagine how deeply angry and disappointed you are with him. The point is none of us really know what our dhs will be like until we are in this position.

If he loved and cared for you, he would not be putting you through this op. I am so angry for you.

You have said you want to protect your career as at some point you might call time on the marriage if it continues like this.

So you only have one option.

You increase the cleaning hours now to three hours each visit, three times a week to include ALL laundry and ironing, tidying up - everything. You have nowhere near enough help op. You split the cost two ways with lazy dh.

Pass over the food shopping or simply order something like hello fresh or cook every week.

Condense your hours today if you can - you don't need to ask his fucking permission. You do what you need to do to make this manageable for you.

Book at least four hours off each weekend solely for you.

You need to become far more demanding and instructive. This man is not going to wake up and suddenly care about you. You are going to have to instruct and insist he pulls his weight, he looks after his own children or you get a divorce. I would not hold back in explaining to him just what is at stake now.

I would quit your job and look for something part-time/freelance as you can't carry on like this.

Or maybe, would your current workplace be sympathetic if you suggest a jobshare?

I would also speak to your husband and make it clear he needs to step up as well and take more responsibilities when it comes to the kids and the house.

Keep the job. Otherwise youre stuck in your marriage forever to someone who doesnt even want to listen to you. Tell your husband that your share of jobs is not OK, its going to lead to a breakdown, and if he doesn't step up then the resentment will lead to a break up and you'll actually feel better as you'll have every other weekend and a night in the week to rest. Sit down and draw up a list of all the jobs that there are to do outside work and the frequency. And ask him to work with you to allocate them more equally. Or just agree to agree on the day, as long as you are both spending the same time on the job (and putting the kids to bed counts)

The kids wouldn't always want you if he was an equally involved dad.

I have no regular family help (family live an hour away), me and my husband both travel with work. It only works (just about) because we are a complete team and pick up whatever the other one can't (one of us will see the other has put washing in and hang it, the other will see washing is hung and dry and fold it etc) and he is supportive of my career and values what I do at home.

Why the fuck do you have to worry about when the laundry gets put away, when you have another functioning adult living with you who gets up to 2x more sleep than you every night?

Sounds like divorce is your answer. He'll have the kids 50% of the time and you can get some rest!

Yeah you’ve got a DH problem. Don’t subsidise his leisure time by giving up work and pension, etc!

It’s Weaponised incompetence in a form @Itsastrugglingmum…what we old he to if you weren’t there!! He is more than capable! What does he do for work?

That's rubbish of him try talking again later and just tell him you need to be home more for the kids

So he's skiving basically.

Sorting a mortgage and utilities is hardly a regular chore. It's not like he has to carry the cash to the bank or pump water up from the well!

He is just seeing everything else as 'not his job'. Have you asked him why he thinks these things aren't his responsibility?

If this were employment he would have been on Personal Improvement Plan by now with a strong sense that the job centre was beckoning.

In light of your latest posts, I would be very careful in quitting your job and giving up your financial independence. Your marriage doesn’t sound very healthy and in the event of a break up, you will be left without any financial stability. You seem to have a husband problem rather than a problem with handling childcare and a job. I would address that first. Giving up your job will leave you very vulnerable.

Well you have to make a decision as this can’t continue as you know.Firstly you need to talk and tell him if he wants to stay married then life is going to change now. For the now can the cleaner do a couple more hours and an online shop.Simple meals if your DH wants something more complicated he prepares it.Stop doing the admin that is his ie his phone his washing etc.Make a stand.See if you can reduce your hours soon.Your relationship sounds on its last legs is this so? Stay strong and good luck.

Ok, so time to inconvenience him big time. When you tackle the clean laundry, fold and put away yours and DCs and leave his in a pile. Then do the same with the washing - leave his. A man like this needs to experience the problem himself. Stop letting him get away with it.

Food shop - get what you need for the basic cooking and snacks you and DC like - and nothing for him.

This could be said to be petty - but it is the only way to deal with a man who knows the situation and appears to not care less.

I know you say DCs just want you. Two thoughts to try:

1. for DC2 coming into your bed, can you get a bigger bed so that there is room for the three of you?
2. for DC1 (or either poorly child), practice one night on/one night off. We did this when our DCs were tiny. Whoever was 'on' did all the night wakings for that night. This meant the other one got a proper night's sleep. Swap over the next night.

Once you are getting some sleep you will feel better.

No excuses for DH, he takes a proper share of the load. It doesn't matter if he doesn't hear DCs in the night, you wake him up on the night when it is his turn.

Keeping the house clean and tidy is also his responsibility. It doesnt matter if he 'doesn't see' that things need cleaning, he cleans them anyway.

Your DH needs to do a LOT more. I'm so angry at him on your behalf.