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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aggressive and unreasonable OH

66 replies

RaquelWelch · 01/07/2024 17:45

We moved from a big city just over a year ago as my OH has always wanted to live outside the city. We were meant to wait until our DC had finished school, but he found the house of his dreams before that and bought it. DC have now finished school and myself, OH and youngest DC (18) live here.

Problem is, my job is still in the city, some 80 miles away, so I spend 2 or 3 days a week in the office and stay away from home when I do, with a relative. OH is ALWAYS making digs about this and asking why I can’t just work from home. I have to attend the office for meetings and 100% WFH is not an option.

He causes an argument about this on a regular basis and this weekend he started an argument two evenings in a row, mainly because I have to attend the office 4 days this week. The second evening I stayed very calm, but he swore at me, punched a door and wall and smashed the iron into the ironing board, breaking it!

He says I don’t care about his feelings, but my job hasn’t moved! He has moved us. I said if we had stayed in the city I would be home every night, so this is his doing.

I told him I was going to leave due to his aggressive behaviour and he apologised, but then blamed me for starting the argument and said I was overreacting as he wasn’t aggressive to me, just the walls and furniture! (He did twist my arms trying to get the car keys off me and threw my bag).

I try very hard to ensure I only do 2 or 3 days a week in the office, to keep him happy, but this isn’t always possible.

Also, prior to Covid I used to work 4 days a week in the office, now it is normally 3 or less, and he wants me to drop it further.

I have a good job and I earn good money, I am at least 10 years away from retiring, but even if I was to retire in a year, I don’t think it would be good enough for him

It was his dream to move and I went along with that but I never said I would give up work so I don’t understand why he is like this.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 01/07/2024 19:25

Leave

KreedKafer · 01/07/2024 19:25

The second evening I stayed very calm, but he swore at me, punched a door and wall and smashed the iron into the ironing board, breaking it!

(He did twist my arms trying to get the car keys off me and threw my bag).

This is significant domestic abuse. It will escalate and you need to leave as soon as possible.

Skyrainlight · 01/07/2024 19:18

Do not change your job. He sounds like he has potential to be abusive and abusive men love women not to be financially independent. If he twists your arm again call the police.

Sossijiz · 01/07/2024 19:17

Do not give up your job. Give up him. Leave him to live in his dream house on his own.

PlanningTowns · 01/07/2024 19:07

I forgot to add… leave.

PlanningTowns · 01/07/2024 19:07

The way I read it is that he had a dream, has bought two separate houses of his dreams that hasn’t considered your view. You’ve moved into the second and he expected you to go, this commute is a pain I’m going to give it up or ask to wfh. You aren’t fitting his dream and therefore to him you are the problem. You’re not, this doesn’t seem like a partnership but him trying to control you.

Chartreux · 01/07/2024 18:47

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/07/2024 18:46

Leave!

I mean, its not like you have young kids and he's annoyed at being sole parent for 4 days a week. He just wants to be able to control you.

He's a risk to you, he's become physically violent. This time it was an iron, next time it could be you.

He already has been physically violent, he twisted OP's arm.

Chartreux · 01/07/2024 18:46

He assaulted you. Report him to the police and talk to a solicitor about getting a domestic violence injunction.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/07/2024 18:46

Leave!

I mean, its not like you have young kids and he's annoyed at being sole parent for 4 days a week. He just wants to be able to control you.

He's a risk to you, he's become physically violent. This time it was an iron, next time it could be you.

cestlavielife · 01/07/2024 18:45

Then tell your partner you are not coming back until he sells the house and moves closer to your workplace. If he won't then it's divorce time. Or maybe just go straight to divorce?

Why would she do that? Offer him to be with her?
He crossed the line
Get out and away now ! Leave him far away

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/07/2024 18:44

Fuck that. Leave, divorce him, force the sale of his dream house/take 50% of everything you can so he can't ever afford to live anywhere like it again.

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/07/2024 18:42

Sounds like he wants a 1950s housewife.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/07/2024 18:42

May I ask how close you are age wise Op? He sounds like he's older and wants to retire and for you to retire with him? I've noticed quite a few threads were an older DH/DP retires and immediately thinks his DW/DP should be at home with him all the time

MounjaroUser · 01/07/2024 18:40

Do you own the house together or is it just his?

Niegenug · 01/07/2024 18:39

"He says I don't care about his feelings....."

But he doesn't care a jot about yours though. He found 'his dream house', not 'our dream house'.

He didn't care about your cummute to work when he found 'his dream house' or potentially disrupting your children's school life, moving them away from friends.

Now that he isn't living his dream life in his dream house with a partner having his meals ready for him every evening, listening to him talk about his day every evening, and performing other partner duties every night. In his eyes the dream house and life is a bit tarnished and who is to blame, you are of course, as it couldn't possibly be him.

As others have said, he is punching things and smashing things when he wants to in fact hit you, and he may well end up doing it soon.

So, get your finances sorted asap, ask your relative if you can stay for a few months then do it. Then tell your partner you are not coming back until he sells the house and moves closer to your workplace. If he won't then it's divorce time. Or maybe just go straight to divorce?

ginasevern · 01/07/2024 18:38

You know the answer OP. This is domestic violence and coercive control. Next time it could be your face, not the ironing board. He knew damn well you couldn't give up your job (unless there's something you haven't told us). So what does he expect you to do?

If you give up your job to live "his dream" you will never get away from him. I dread to think what sort of life you will lead once you are basically his captive.

Make plans to leave.

Gatecrashermum · 01/07/2024 18:38

YABU to stay with him. And show your children it's normal to put up with domestic violence.

It's working because you're asking what you can do to make sure he doesn't get angry. That's why he does it. To scare and control you.

Leave him. Immediately. Go and stay with your relative

Bananalanacake · 01/07/2024 18:38

It's good your youngest is 18 so you don't have to worry about custody. Have you tried telling him you need to be in the office for meetings and to see your colleagues. I would hate having to WFH as I'd feel cut off from having a social life. He is very controlling, you must have been together over 20 years if you have older DC, was he always like this, did he make you feel bad if you wanted a night out with friends?

unsync · 01/07/2024 18:35

He is abusive. He doesn't want you to be away from the house as he cannot control you when you are not there. Do not give up your job. You need to leave this man as soon as possible. Be careful, he is likely to escalate. You can get support to leave from your local Women's Aid group.

Original poster
RaquelWelch · 01/07/2024 18:33

As I said, he has always wanted to get out of the city and actually bought a house about 5 or 6 years ago. At that time I said we can’t move as our children were in school. He kept the house for a bit but then sold it on and yes, blamed me for “ruining his dream”. With this house the timing was a bit better in terms of kids and school and I was involved. I do love the house and the area, but again, I think this is his dream. And I do think he just wants to stop me working. I am beginning to see the nightmare that could be!

OP posts:
Pashazade · 01/07/2024 18:29

Was he like this before you moved? Did you placate him a lot, is his behaviour escalating.
You need to leave. This would worry me immensely if you were my friend. He's laid hands on you in order to control you there is no going back from that.

LostTheMarble · 01/07/2024 18:25

Leave him. When he bought the house was it a joint decision? Because it reads like he just went out and bought it without discussion from your op. It reads like he’s trying to alienate you (especially with the kids being older and leaving home) and he’s furious you’re not playing ball by still living your life/going to work.

Punching walls and breaking things is domestic abuse, no ifs or buts. It will carry on and likely get worse.

JLT24 · 01/07/2024 18:23

Forget the work issue, it could be about anything. He’s abusive. Please leave asap.

YouJustDoYou · 01/07/2024 18:23

Leave. NOW.