To tell friends and family about IVF to shut them up

It's pretty off that they're all pressuring you before you're even married. Tell them that you want some time just being happy together before you have a family. If anyone tries to pressure you just tell them your sex life is private and when you have any news they'll hear about it.

If you don’t want to tell them, then make up a delay: “We’re going to have a couple of years or so for ourselves before we think of children”, “We’re saving up…”, “We went to get to X point in our careers before thinking of children”.

I wouldn’t tell them about the IVF. They’ll just be asking about that all the time instead and harassing you when you should be relaxing.

You can't expect sensitivity from people who are being left in the dark. If anything it's unfair on them, they may be upset that they were allowed hurt your feelings. Tell them, unless TTC before marriage is an issue for them. In that case tell them the Dr said you would have trouble conceiving and it might take a long time. When i was going through IVF I was glad I didn't tell people the process and I didn't want it documented or constant updates, but I simply told them we were having problems and we'll have to wait and see. People stopped asking and hopefully gossiping and I was able to talk about other things when with friends. Good luck to you OP, hope all goes well.

I told my immediate family that I saw daily that we were going through ivf, swore them to secrecy and kept it a secret from everyone else. I’m not sure everyone knows that’s how they were conceived now 6 years on, but it’s not a secret anymore.

Personally, I wanted to keep it private because I felt like such a failure that I couldn’t conceive naturally that I think it would’ve tipped me over the edge if my ivf had failed too. It’s a very personal decision whether to share or not, but I erred on the side of caution as once I’d told people I couldn’t untell them!

To answer the nosey questions, I just said I’m not sure I actually want kids anymore to those who knew we’d been trying for 5 years.

Depends if you think a lot of people will be asking you on your wedding day - you don't want it ruined by that

If you can, go with the jokey 'my goodness, can we get the wedding and honeymoon phase over first please!' type of comments

Or if you can trust a family member to sort it for you, ask them to say something to just make sure it is not mentioned on the day. 'Please can no-one mention anything to do with pregnancy/babies at Nux's wedding. It's a sensitive subject - you don't need to know why, you just need to comply - thank you'

Sorry you are going through this and wishing you a fabulous wedding day

Can you just say thanks for sharing your thoughts or if asked a question- thanks for asking we’ll give it some consideration or if pointed question- we don’t really talk to anyone apart from each other about things like that.
Polite but don’t ask me again type answers - they’ve no right to know - you have not married a culture you’ve married one person and they are the only person you need to confide in

Say, "Give us a chance, we're not married yet. We want to wait a couple of years before we even think of that." That will buy you some time.

I wish you every success with IVF

Don’t tell them, especially with the update that there is a wider network of family and friends asking the same question.

We struggled to conceive and had to have some investigations and tests done to find out if we’d need IVF. The tests were done on the NHS, but we would have needed to fund the IVF ourselves (our NHS Trust did not fund any IVF cycles at the time), so we asked PIL if they could loan us the money. We emphasised how upsetting this was and asked them not to tell anyone.

Lo and behold, a few months later DH’s aunt and uncle (who we were close to) asked us how the IVF was going. I was so upset. It was such a private and personal thing (the problems were with me), but when DH asked PIL why they had told someone else, they just said ‘We thought you wouldn’t mind’. They (as far as we know) had only told his aunt and uncle, which was a relief.

That was several years ago, and we didn’t need IVF in the end, but just thinking about it now makes me remember how raw and desperate I felt at the time. I’d really recommend keeping it to yourself.

Thank you. It was a long time ago.

The irony is that one of my aunt's children had difficulty and - after many years - lost a perfect baby to stillbirth: the cord was round its neck. I think that IVF was used. Thankfully, my cousin did go on to have a healthy baby.

Given the circumstances, I'd have expected Aunty to be a bit more sensitive. I guess people just don't think.

That’s awful - I’m so sorry.

In that case, it's maybe best just not tell them.

Just say something like: "We're not really thinking about children yet. We'll let you know if anything changes." Change subject.

If they push, just repeat and repeat and repeat.

I find conversations like this difficult. But it does make it easier if you have a set phrase or two ready, so you're not caught out in the moment.

I think this works well. And I'd also prepare and practice some stock phrases for if they still ask about it. Eg: "As we said in our message, it's not something we want to talk about at the moment. You don't need to keep asking us about it. We promise we'll let you know if there's any information we want to share or if we need anything .Thanks for understanding." Change the subject.

Whatever you tell them, I'd do it with this assumption that they'll tell other people. If having children is very important in your husband's family's culture, I bet there's a network of extended family and friends who are asking your family in law about potential grandchildren, so it's likely they'll will repeat what you've told them. Another reason not to mention IVF.

Edited to add: I'd also prepare some stock phrases for the wedding day. "We're just looking forward focusing on our life as newly-weds for now. The day's taken so much planning! Hope you enjoyed it. What did you think of X at the ceremony?"

YNBU

I kept quiet about our difficulties TTC until an aunt kindly reprimanded me for not making my mum a grandmother.

I didn't tell my aunt; I spoke to mum. Mum was upset that her sister had spoken to me.

Its up to you but I never told people. For us it was a very personal and private decade long journey and I don't want pity, unhelpful comments or drama when it was no one else's business.

If you don't want to tell you don't have too.

I'd tell them to stop asking because you're not going to be trying until you are ready and you're fed up with their comments.

Aw so sorry you're having such a tough time with this. The comments must be awful.
I would opt for a middle ground saying something like

We have some fertility issues that we don't want to discuss just now so we find any comments about babies and TTC quite difficult, so would appreciate if comments like that are avoided please, thank you!

This could be said in response to a comment or just sent as a blanket message out to family. I always think written is best so you can choose your words and avoid being sucked into saying more than you mean on the spot!

I'd do this. it's awful people think it's OK to ask about or comment on this. They need to be told. I'd be concerned telling them about the IVF puts a lot of pressure on, and they'll be waiting to hear the outcome.

'We have fertility problems and we don't want to talk about it.'

That should be enough

It's absolutely none of their business. It doesn't matter if it's ivf, having sex or you found a baby under a gooseberry Bush! Best of luck and good wishes to you x

Honestly telling people for any reason other than the fact that you want their support, is probably not a good idea.

If they're making comments now, do you think they'll be worse once they know about the IVF and constantly ask for updates etc?

You absolutely don't have to share anything you don't want to, and are well within your rights to shut people down very firmly if they ask questions or make comments.

However, I personally found it helpful to tell friends and family we would be going through IVF to have a family. I'm not saying it is always easy as some people do still ask questions, but I found that explaining upfront what you will and won't be sharing helps (e.g. I want to let you know we will be having IVF in the hopes of having a child, but we want to keep the process private so please don't ask questions). If you do want to share some updates, I've found sending a message with the details and ending with a comment that we don't want to discuss any further/don't want to share our next steps yet is better than explaining in conversation.

I feel like having people know has given us support to talk when we need to, it's helped explain why we've made lifestyle changes and why I don't drink at social events without wild speculation, and it has been nice to know that everyone is rooting for us. If you're able to share with your manager at work and have confidence you'll get support, this can be hugely helpful too as you can need time off at very short notice.

Whatever you decide to do, there's no right or wrong way to do it. I hope IVF has a happy ending for you 💐

As @WineIsMyMainVice says, if you are a private person, you may prefer just to be vague and put them off (or for your husband to be blunter to shut them up as it sounds like they are not exactly sensitive people!).
You don't have to share personal health/ IVF information unless you choose to, and what is best varies from one person to another.

Cross posted almost the same words!

I’m not sure telling them is the best strategy. They might keep on at you for updates on the treatment all the time, which would be awful, because the treatment is gruelling enough as it is without having people interrogating you about it. And people who haven’t been there have absolutely no idea.

This is on your husband to deal with since it’s his family. He should be telling them that you’ve been trying and ask them not to push because it’s upsetting you.