to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

I had a friend like this. I knew her life inside out - the year we stopped talking I realised that she probably knew nothing about what was going on in my life.

Some people just want to talk about themselves.

Possibly. If it were me in that situation, I would probably find it uncomfortable rather than rude. We are conditioned to believe that neurotypical communication styles are the gold standard so we're probably more likely to blame ourselves for getting it wrong than consider the other person rude but it's a good example of how communication styles clash.

There's an autistic woman I follow on TikTok that explains it in a way that I relate to. She describes NT conversations as one where you repeatedly throw the 'ball' to each other so you throw someone a question and expect them to throw it back. ND people don't do this. We prefer to talk about something that interests us and wait for the other person to be ready to take the ball when they feel comfortable to chip in. That way we aren't putting them under pressure to perform on a subject of our choosing and not theirs. Conversations flow but they're structured differently.

To me this makes perfect sense. To someone who's been socialised to throw the ball back and forth, it seems strange.

I was going to pop up and say I had to learn to do this because I’m ND and it seemed intrusive. But I see you excluded nd people from your op

Isn't that an important social skill though - to notice how the conversation is going and change course if necessary? E.g.

Oh gosh they're clamming up a bit. Great Aunt Rita's will must be a sensitive subject.

They sound a bit sad about missing out on that promotion. Maybe I'll change the subject to Bridgerton. I know they like that.

Hmm, they're finding that bus timetable information awfully interesting. Perhaps I've been talking about Lego too long.

Etc.

Me too! (Suspected autism here)
From my observations over the years, conversations that flow well seem to have a mix of asking questions and offering up info. If there's a lull in conversation, I ask the other person a question. So this thread is so confusing! I'm constantly worried about monologuing or talking too much about myself, I never worried about asking questions, surely that's showing you are interested (because I am!)
I have been so worried about monologuing over the years, I get awkward when someone asks me about myself now - I was bullied at school and didn't get the right level of socialisation.
Weirdly, I find conversations with friends a lot harder work sometimes than with strangers.

@IdisagreeMrHochhauser so does that mean the OP's friend thinks she is terribly rude?

Not RTFT but I am kind of on the fence about this.
I ask questions but not loads and they’re rarely “how is your DH” type questions but more “what is your opinion on x,y,z”
I am not good at and do not enjoy small talk. I find it doesn’t really tell me much about the person I am chatting with… but that’s just me.

On the other hand, I think that overuse of social media has caused a trend of people being generally quite self-centred. I have some friends that will go in to the minute detail about what they’ve done that week, including dates, times, the meals they had etc and are waiting for me to ‘like’ it almost. By the time they have finished, sometimes it’s time to go! I usually deal with that by jumping in and asking they how they felt about it or by mentioning maybe a similar situation that I have been in etc etc

I do find that very few people ask me any inciteful questions though. Yes I will get the “how is Dh” type questions but never the “tell me why you like that book you’re reading” type question.

This in spades. Also, answering loads of questions can be very overwhelming for the other person, so much so that all they can do to ‘keep afloat’ during communicative exchange is provide responses.

Many individuals have language/communication and cognitive needs that are hidden. Just another perspective consider.

You could be describing me.

I'm autistic and really struggle to know whether a question is appropriate or not - I don't want to offend and ask the wrong thing, or be boring, or ask something that's not going to lead on to a conversation, so sometimes I find it easier to just talk about stuff I know, or to not say anything at all.

Nice to know I'm being judged even more than I thought, though, especially as you'd never know I was ND to look at me or to have a casual conversation with me.

My DM drummed it into me not to be nosy. So I learned it was rude to ask questions.

It was only later in life I realised people thought like you that not asking questions is rude!

My ILs are like this, in particular my MIL. They’ll respond to questions are but won’t keep the conversation going.
I found it exhausting so did the same as them, that meant there were many long silences. Now when they visit they just repeat the same stories about their neighbours.

Are you sure she's not ND as this is how we communicate. We hate questions because we find them so intrusive so we are actually being polite by not subjecting you to them.

Me too and I've noticed that my preference is to talk about one topic for longer. I find that people jump in with another question before I've finished what I was saying. Of course I was going to reciprocate but I sometimes don't get a chance.

Some people might be assuming you don't want to talk about yourself and think that's why you're asking questions about them.

NRTFT but how would you know if someone was ND or not? Many people are undiagnosed and may not know themselves even.

I was brought up in a house where I was taught not to ask questions because 'they'd tell you if they wanted you to know.'
It's very ingrained. I do try but asking always feels intrusive and cheeky somehow.

This is me too. I do ask questions but it often doesn't feel natural and I worry that people will think I'm not being authentic. In the model answer upthread about Alan and Dave, I was taught that circling the conversation back to Dave and me is really rude!

I also have a lot of acquaintances who think a polite enquiry such as did you have a good weekend? means tell me in great detail about every second of your weekend. When in fact the required answer in GB is yes thanks, you?

I prefer conversation starters like have you tried the new restaurant/film/tv series? Then if your the person talks about how they went for a meal with their other half it seems more natural to listen & ask questions and the conversation flows a bit easier.

I cba with people who won’t make any effort. It’s not about whether you ask questions or not, but how are you? How was your weekend? shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for most people. But for me it’s more how you obviously don’t give a shiny shit about me when you don’t reciprocate any conversational effort. Happy to take up my time and energy listening to your life and problems, radio silence if you might have to give five minutes contemplating me and mine.

This!

Childhood conditioning can play a part. I mentioned to a pp that some people are brought up being told it's nosy to ask other people questions, but parents' conversation styles play a part too. My mum is possibly the most un-interested in other people person I have ever met, and she simply doesn't do this (she's that person who will leave yawning great silences, I frequently feel sorry for her hairdresser), so it wasn't really modelled for me, or not by her anyway. It wasn't till I got old enough to notice most people ask each other questions about themselves that I realised it was a normal part of socialising and started to do it myself, but it didn't come naturally at first, I had to work at it.

What a lot of sweeping and insulting generalisations. I don't know if this has occurred to you (doesn't sound like it) but some people hesitate to ask other people questions because they were brought up being told it's nosy/intrusive to ask people questions about themselves.

Note, I'm not saying that belief is correct. But the conditioning can be hard to shift.

I hear you OP.

i have a ‘friend’ who I’ve figured out will ask me how I am first, I’ll say (generally) ‘yeah good thanks, how about you?’ And will get a monologue in response (for however long I am in their company) about all aspects of their life without so much as a question about mine. The relationship is unbalanced so I have backed off… a lot. It was unfulfilling and exhausting. Friend does have anxiety and low self esteem and I imagine is lonely given their set up, but there is only so much leeway I could give before it had a negative impact on me!

now I know I am a reasonably good listener, and I try to think that the above person just uses me to rant at because they are lonely, but I went through quite a lot in the last 12/18 months and they showed no interest… I assume I am just dull and boring to them.

Am I the only autistic person who has now convinced themselves that everyone they have ever met must secretly hate them?

my mum is exactly like that, if I looked back on messenger, she would not have asked me a single question in reply to my enquiry/any questions about her or asking if she's had a good weekend done x event etc. It is quite fascinating actually. If we meet she doesn't really do any hellos/social niceties just launches into a brain dump of everything she wants to tell you, she will then possibly ask a question but when you are three words into an answer will interrupt.

Thinking about it,I rarely ask a question because I hate being questioned.But I do answer with an opinion and keep the conversation going.Some people are just private,hate to be probed, and are reluctant to be mentally exhausted to not only answer endless questions,but also have to ask questions back.

This! 100% this!

OP I agree, it seems to be on the increase too. I worked a 12 hour shift with someone once a week for over a year, he never asked me anything, not even a polite, "How's your week been?" I don't think he even knew my surname. But I knew loads about him.

I have another friend who I meet in a group setting and she'll completely dominate the conversation with a monologue about her and if anyone else ever gets a chance to interject, she'll immediately pick up her phone and start scrolling, so rude!