to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

@IPoopRainblows Well I was misinformed by another Mumsnetter a long time ago, when I asked, then!
I think I prefer 'full thread' to be honest! 😁

I have a "friend" like this - she is so busy telling me how amazing her kids are and how glad she is that her husband left her, she jist diesn't have tine to ask how my sister who is going through breast cancer treatment is or my mum who has been very poorly. Just too self absorbed.

No it means read the fucking thread.

https://www.cyberdefinitions.com/definitions/RTFT.html

What Does RTFT Mean in a Text?
home▸sitemap▸search r▸RTFT
RTFT means "Read the F*king Thread" or "Read the F*king Topic."

Just to point out, RTFT is actually read the full thread, not fucking thread! 🙄

People seem to have twisted @BlownItJellyHeads post. It's nothing to do with bombarding someone with questions, like the Spanish Inquisition! I interpreted it to be about general back and forth flow of conversation, about whatever is going on in each others lives. When you're chatting to someone you know, that's what usually happens. But there are a lot of people who don't converse like that, it's all one way and it's plain rude. (Past trauma/ND etc aside).
In normal conversation, you don't cherry pick the subjects to talk about! You find someone talking about their family/holiday/next doors dog boring? So what? The conversation moves on usually. You probably discuss things that are boring to them too! It's how talking works!
I've noticed a lot of people on MN jump onto posts like this, immediately offended and confrontational! Or show up, in their sarky comments, that they are exactly the type of person OP is talking about!

You misunderstand me, @Spotsorstripesor. My conversations are not one sided but they are not predominantly question based. It's possible to bounce off each other without asking personal questions that might put someone on the spot.

It's like this with my dad, I leave knowing everything about his life, every detail of what's going on, I know the name of his work colleagues, what he had for dinner... He learns nothing about me. He sometimes asks me a question and then interrupts me to redirect it back to himself. Or I finally answer and he says nothing, I call them conversation cul de sacs.... So I then have to ask if he's watching anything good on Netflix or another mundane question. It's really tiring and frustrating. I don't get why he isn't more interested in my life. It always hurts.

I think follow up questions are great for this. You let your conversation partner bring up a topic but show interest by asking a follow up question (instead of immediately bringing the conversation back to your stuff)

The topic, nor my response is about engaging with new people, it’s regarding conversations with friends.

The back and forth is about showing interest in/care for the person you are talking to. Questions are one way to do it but it doesn’t have to be questions. It can be enthusiasm about something the other person brings up, or sensitivity to the fact that a topic seems to be a tricky one, or telling them something you know will interest them. Conversation is an art. There are people (ND and otherwise) who prefer to talk at/past each other, but imo that is not really a conversation.

Yes, this - my mother started early with the death glares if I spoke up in a conversation - even if I were just answering questions that I'd been asked! - and would pull me aside to hiss 'You're embarrassing me!' I got the message it was the height of rudeness to ask 'nosey' questions.

It took until much later to realise she was a narcissist who wanted to be hogging the conversation herself... and even longer to consciously train myself out of it and allow me to ask the questions I wanted. But now I am often the victim of a one-way conversational blast!

I also think there was a generation who DID think it was nosey to ask questions, or who just weren't confident about it, or thought it was 'rude to interrupt', or that 'little girls should be seen and not heard'.

('But I say "OH BONDAGE, UP YOURS!''') (Spot the quote... 😁)

I read the beginning of the thread thinking we have a friend in common!
I get where you're coming from, it's natural to me if someone asks about work/partner/pets whatever, that you ask in return.
I have a friend who honestly doesn't come up for air when you meet, it's just a barrage of what's going on for her.
I'm not joking when I say I could meet for an hour and say a handful of words - my eldest child counted once!
Like others have said, it's just different folks!

I definitely know what you mean and I used to be the exact same as you and have a real bea in my bonnet about it with some friends. However I then went through a bit of a difficult and embarrassing time a few years ago with my life and mental health, and I suddenly found people asking questions (even inane ones like what did you do this weekend) really annoying and I’ve since completely changed my perspective on this. Basically, questions force the conversation to a particular topic that the person might not want to answer, but it is difficult to avoid because you have asked, so it is uncomfortable and too directive. If you make comments instead, and then leave pauses, it allows the conversation partner to choose what they are comfortable to bring to the table. I try to show my interest and lack of self obsession by my eye contact and facial expression when they do volunteer any stories, but I don’t ask questions generally in a convo. Could it be the person you are thinking of does care about what you say but just prefers not to direct conversations with questions? (That said- trust your gut- some people just are self obsessed.)

Oh, the irony. You sound pretty self absorbed and rude yourself.

They're not coming across that way to me.

Ok it depends. If we've just met and you're asking me generic personal questions like it's an interview then I hate it. Just talk more about situational stuff in the future, as in about whatever you're doing.

actually a more natural flow of a conversation is when someone asks some questions AND shares something about themselves / conversation topic.

otherwise it is just a mutual interview or interrogation with a rigid order

There are some people who constantly ASK questions that I find weird immediately asking them a question back. If you find yourself in this situation maybe stop asking questions and lets just conversation to flow more naturally

I hate being bombarded with questions. And I hate asking for the sake of it. It can be like an interrogation.

Good friends won't ask too much but will volunteer stuff or make observations - and maybe be sensitive to the other person's communication style.

So OP, in your example - you've asked about her partner, she answers - make an observation - add a story or an amusing anecdote, make her laugh, exchange a snippet, "Dave's having the same trouble/ Dave's said that's why he wants a holiday" or "Good I'm glad to hear all's well. On another subject I was on the bus last week and....." Or "The labour candidate canvassed me outside Tesco yesterday and do you know what he said??" Or "Look at those flowerbeds - I've never been able to grow begonias" It doesn't have to be a job interview or like speed dating!

Nothing wrong with expecting a friend to reciprocate with some interest in your life, OP. I had a similar friend who I knew for many years but is an ex-friend now as they had the same sort of self-absorbed approach in conversations.

They are just totally self absorbed and pretend that it's rude to ask someone something. Twats.

It's a lack of basic social skills and bad manners. I can't be bothered with people who can't be bothered to learn some manners. They generally don't have many friends, I've noticed.

@MeadStMary

In all honesty I only ask questions if I am interested in the answer. If I hardly know you then I really don't care where you're going on holiday this summer or how your kids are. But I don't understand why people who I hardly know ask me those sort of questions either. I think "you're not actually interested, you're just trying to seem nice". I find it very insincere.

Exactly! No one, deep down, is interested in someone else’s holiday plans . It’s a perfectly adequate icebreaker but if people never get beyond that it tends to suggest they are dull or a bit stupid.

In all honesty I only ask questions if I am interested in the answer. If I hardly know you then I really don't care where you're going on holiday this summer or how your kids are. But I don't understand why people who I hardly know ask me those sort of questions either. I think "you're not actually interested, you're just trying to seem nice". I find it very insincere.

I don't only ever talk about myself and I have no problem with understanding the concept of taking turns in conversations. Most conversations I have with people flow naturally just fine. I just don't ask boring questions to be polite.

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't be friends or in a relationship with someone like that. If it was someone I had to have interaction with- eg co worker, I would get the stage of friendly but limited interaction.

I don’t mind being asked questions and I do it myself but I also think that a lot of those reciprocal polite tennis questions are quite boring and I don’t think the answers shed much light on someone.

How many people give a really deep or honest answer to the question: “How was your weekend?” Or “Did you have a good Christmas?” It’s a perfectly normal way to break the ice with someone but not a very good way to get to the heart of what makes them tick.

I have close girlfriends about whose Christmases and summer holidays I know very little. I am not particularly interested in getting polite, formulaic and not terribly honest answers. I will very happily play the game if I have to but to me it’s superficial and dull so I won’t dwell on it.

The stuff that’s really interesting about people is the stuff you only get to know about them when you get past “how was your weekend?”

Exactly @fieldsofbutterflies, exactly how I feel - and not every silence has to be filled or the air fed with words, the world is already a very noisy and 'busy' place for me and my preference is to spend quiet time, in quiet places with quiet people. And as a private and reserved personality I am uncomfortable with being asked too many questions, and, by default, don't feel comfortable asking too many questions of other people, but can manage reciprocal "how are you's" etc, but it does feel llike vocal ping pong!