to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

@Compash Totally and absolutely this. And if this happened to you too, then I'm so sorry you went through it.

MN is a really strange place sometimes.

I also didn't realise I was being rude when I related a situation I had been through to something someone was telling me. On mumset its considered very rude but my friend says it my way of empathising and showing I understand (all my kids diagnosed adhd and this can be a trait apparently)

This. It wasnt until I came onto mumset that I'm guilty of this because I don't want to appear rude or intrusive. I didn't twig until I met one friend who did bombard me with 20 questions but then didn't respond with any of ger own information that I then realised she then expected me to ask questions back rather than just the conversation flowing or just telling g me how they felt

Surely if you ask someone about their holiday and they tell you then you tell them about your holiday.

I worry I don't ask enough questions during conversations but it really doesn't come naturally as I was also bought up to assume people will not wish to talk to me or want me to know anything about them, both my patents have appalling social skills. It's difficult for some people.

I have a friend who always asks me about myself and I find it easy to answer her as she's lovely and i suppose I've always felt few people ever want to get to know me since being left out and ignored / bullied at school.

Or perhaps the art of the conversation is simply shifting and evolving such as most things in life and there isn’t a golden standard anymore ( that happens to be the one you adopted). If you are really that skilled in the “art” then you should have the skills to sustain the conversation regardless of whether it’s following your chosen pattern.

I reckon option 3 is the best reply :)

In the transcript you provided I honestly feel like it’s the person asking questions who is making the conversation feel disjointed and awkward and interviewing. I would much rather they made a comment after each reply rather than a question. Like ‘Dave’s training for a marathon atm’ could be met with ‘that is some good dedication!! I admire people who can go jogging so much’, rather than ‘how is the training going?’ I just find the questions are like so specific and directing the conversation too much. What if the training is going awfully and Dave’s been having a breakdown about it but I don’t want to tell you that part, asking ‘and how’s the training going’ Therefore is awkward and I’d rather tell you about what I’m comfortable with. Stupid examples but just to illustrate how comments are better than questions for me ! :)

I don't like being asked lots of questions about myself and I don't do it to other people

I know exactly what you mean. And on the rare occasion you do talk about yourself they tune the conversation back to about themselves at the earliest opportunity

I think quite honestly that the art of conversation has been lost OP. I also think that it's likely to get worse, as so many youngsters only communicate via text. How many people do you see out for a meal, or in the pub, who seem to have absolutely nothing to say to each other? Hence sit there with heads down gazing into their phones.

When my grandkids were in their early teens, we lived a long distance from them for a while, but they knew us really well, and should have been able to have some sort of conversation with us, but literally just came back with one or two word answers. I think they just hadn't realised that older people expect conversation, so in the end I text things like, 'I wrote you all that, and all I get is 'yeh'??? Maybe a little more information wouldn't kill you? lol'. Thankfully, as they've got older, they can now hold really good conversations, but I truly believe it is something which people need to be taught nowadays.

That’s true and probs harmless but for me still I wouldn’t do that, I feel like the follow up question may still be something I didn’t want to share or else maybe I would’ve included it in my prior answer. I don’t tend to make the convo about me but I prefer to just make comments rather than questions eg I might say stuff like ‘that’s so lucky isn’t it because I remember you saying you were hoping that would happen before!’ Or ‘oh that sounds like a really tough time, hopefully they’ll sort themselves out.’

I'm guilty of doing this. I think a lot of it stems from social anxiety... not wanting to put my foot in it.

It's easy to talk about my stuff. I know all about my stuff. When we talk about their stuff, I have to react. And I'm scared of getting that wrong.

Friend: "My mum's not been well recently"
My brain: [frantically thinking what to say]

1. "Oh I'm sure she'll be fine. Try not to worry."
2. "How long has that been going on?"
3. "That sounds difficult. Are you ok?"
4. "I know someone whose mum died of that condition"
5. "What investigations have the doctors done. Tell me in great detail."
6. "There was a documentary on TV the other day about that..."

I increasingly think I'm ND because that can't be normal, can it?! 😂

I used to be very socially anxious when I was younger and found conversation very difficult. I had no idea how to keep a conversation going, no idea what to ask people. I was so anxious that if someone asked me something like “did you get the bus from the station today?” I never even thought to say “how about you?” Etc etc. It was absolutely not self obsession, I was just frozen with anxiety and awkwardness. I could see people pulling away from me.
Eventually I read some books about and literally taught myself how to talk to people. It was a revelation!
Please don’t assume that everyone who can’t converse easily back and forth, or doesn’t ask questions, is self absorbed.

This sounds like a perfectly normal and polite conversation to me.
In fact your waiting to be asked a question is weird to me.

I hate people asking me questions, and would answer politely but I don’t ask questions of others much because I don’t like it. I tend to talk to people about what they think about things not their partners training.

I absolutely agree with this. I would say a conversation between friends should flow naturally and organically without having to “invite” a friend to say something. It would be completely natural for example for my friend to talk about her husband and once she’s finished I would probably jump in with a related story about my own marriage/ husband without passively waiting to be asked.
I think when questions need to be used in order to steer the conversation towards a specific topic eg holidays/ work etc it’s usually a sign of a strained conversation in the first place -I would expect this type of conversation with a random colleague at work not a close friend.

So do you just talk non stop about yourselves then? I was taught the exact opposite- it’s rude to talk about yourself all the time you need to show an interest in others.

It really is like being hypnotised, isn't it - a blockage set up deep in your behavioural brain. At a formative age you get punished for asking about others about their holiday or their dog or their dress; so when the time comes in adulthood to ask that, you're flinching inside at the expecting kickback.

And you can make the effort to retrain yourself, but it's an exhausting and often unnerving process.

I'm interested in where my friends are going on holiday (and why), how their kids are etc. I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know. I mean, that's why they're my friends?

It's fascinating (and a bit sad) to hear of all these people who were discouraged from asking questions and therefore from showing interest in other people.

I suppose if you do have someone in your life (like my SIL) who just has no conversation, or if they do, doesn't waste it on you, and you basically like them, it's better to do an activity with them like cook, or see a film or go to a museum or something. At least then you've got an obvious topic (and you shouldn't be talking in a film anyway). I've noticed DH, who is almost certainly autistic, does this to socially interact. There's always a "thing" involved, whether that be a classic car or a football game or a bit of DIY. It works out well for him. He doesn't talk all that much but has a reputation as a great listener and a helpful bloke!

@OkPedro I just don't like people who make generalised sweeping statements without bothering to understand all the facts.
People who try and score points and make it into a joke with their grinning cartoon faces don't come across as particularly intelligent or empathetic either.

God op am totally with you! Rude mannerless self absorbed! Three of us spent the afternoon with a friend of a friend at an event recently. We heard her entire life story in minute detail - no details spared. When we took our leave the other two were saying how nice she was - I said - well what does she know about the 3 of us? Absolutely fuck all!

@BlownItJellyHead You still don't get it do you . Please re-read my previous answer. Understand that those seemingly trite to you 'don't be nosy' etc, etc comments over years and decades are, to a child, teen, adult, an absolute terrorising bombardment of mind control, that utterly re-shapes your thinking.

So until recently no, I was not able to ask anyone about their holiday, pet dog, new dress. I wanted to, I wanted to so much be a part of normal social etiquette, but it physically, mentally, emotionally was not possible. Stop judging.

So much this. I tend to monologue when I am nervous, then realise I am doing it, get more anxious, convince myself that the other person must hate me, then clam up completely, or realise that I should ask the other person something, not quite get it right because it is forced, and then the conversation grinds to a halt

@TitInATrance oh yes to the no talking in the car as I was 'distracting' him even though he never shut up - being the important man that he was'! As for the dinner table, absolutely no talking - or slouching! If I was caught doing that heinous crime I was made to stand up for the rest of the meal with the threat of the broom handle to be pushed down my back through my clothes to straighten me up - he would even bring the broom in from the shed and put it by the wall just to remind me!