to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

@sandyhappypeople I enjoyed your post. It was very well described. I suffer the same with SIL. When I see her, we've driven hundreds of miles to be there and won't have seen each other for several months. She doesn't even say hello, generally!

What do you think would happen if you said to your sister, "You asked to come round but you don't seem to have anything to say. What's up with that?"

Asking closed rather than open questions can be a habit I think, and I'm not sure everyone knows the difference. I don't think it's easy to do much about that, but it's lazy to leave all the conversational heavy lifting to the other person every time.

Hopefully you can teach your own children better social skills? My mother taught us was excruciating at the time but actually very grateful. She’s a master at it - the most popular woman I’ve ever met.

Dd2 is very like my mum and I see now dd2 is a teen how life enhancing it is. She is extremely popular and her friends parents love her - she is the one invited by them for weekends away / fancy trips even long haul holidays. All because she is lovely to have around. Such a valuable skill.

I met people like this - I even have relatives who are like this - and, ultimately, they are just not interested. And, on top of this, they are not bothered that they are showing that they are not interested. Its either natural lack of politeness or, more worryingly, deliberate behaviour where your opponent thinks you are not worth being polite with, not worth the effort.

Whatever people say on here, its always polite to ask people questions about themselves, not interrogate, but show interest and engagement. Its such a basic thing, I'm surprised many posters come up with all sorts of justifications for not asking their friends about their lives etc in conversation. So weird.

Ridiculous

I prefer a conversation to flow along the lines of sharing thoughts, ideas and discussing things you have seen or heard about, rather than direct questions. That feels more natural to me.
Asking questions would be something people who don't really know me would do, and I would feel awkward doing it back.
You don't have to be talking all the time, enjoying a walk or coffee together and people watching can bring about natural conversation and observations.

I think I’m a bit like this. I like talking about “things” but never instinctively get into conversations about people’s lives, what they did at the weekend etc.

I have a friend like this, an ex work colleague who calls me weekly and off loads all her problems onto me. Never asks how I am, what’s going on in my life. It’s just selfish rather than not having good conversation skills imo

I get that it's frustrating to feel the other person is less interested in you than you are in them, but you are being quite judgemental, OP. Not everyone is wired the same. Not everyone has learned to socialise to the same expert level that you have. Be a bit more forgiving and if someone doesn't interest you/ isn't fulfilling your high standards of social etiquette, you can just move on.

Yes I have family like this.They are very narcissistic though, they think the world revolves around them.

I'm ND and I ask more reciprocal questions than my NT acquaintances. I think most people only want to talk about themselves these days.

This is an interesting question. I had it drummed into me not to ask questions and therefore I find it hard to make small talk and ask questions naturally... My eldest child is in reception class and is (thankfully) wonderfully confident. I think most children are naturally inquisitive and ask their friends questions, so I don't need to encourage, as such, because he does it anyway... although I will sometimes prompt him to ask further/reciprocal questions. For some reason it seems easier to aid my child rather than to do it myself... (easier subject matters and less potential to offend, perhaps)?!

The only times I suggest it's not OK to ask questions is if they might be rude/inappropriate, but that's currently a rare occurrence.

I do worry that modelling conversational skills with strangers/acquaintances is going to get harder as he gets older, but I'm hoping that it'll be counterbalanced by the fact he won't have had his natural instincts beaten out of him... and I'm trying to work on my own skills and get out of my comfort zone (parenting seems to be throwing me into the deep end with that!), so hopefully it'll all come together...

Ahh! The art of conversation and the art of being comfortable with those small pockets of silence.

The secret is not in the questions you ask but how well you show the person you are listening.

I find it easy being with people and conversation naturally flows but when I’m with those people where it doesn’t I tend to take that as an indication of us not being compatible. When I’m not at work (in a job where conversation is the focus) then I prefer to be with people who don’t ask lots of questions of me but, like a previous poster mentioned, conversation is more organic (natural).

It’s funny how different we all are isn’t it? I prefer people who message to tell me they just trusted a fart and followed through to the ones who text “Hey! How’s life?”

To be honest i do think the problem is you here. If you felt during the course of the conversation that it was one sided, then you could have stopped asking her questions. You could have waited for her to finish speaking and then just speak about yourself or change the subject. It’s weird that you felt the other person was being rude but you continued to do what was causing you upset…which was to keep asking her questions?

I have been in those situations where people keep asking me questions, how would I know that they secretly want me to ask them questions?

plus any relationship there’s going to be give and take, sometimes you’ll be there for some people and other times they’ll be there for you. Eg just say I went though a huge breakup, perhaps conversations with friends might be mainly about me and my personal issues, but on other occasions it is all about them, and on other occasions it’s just balanced.

I'm in a similar position. I wasn't told off as such, but had to listen to my mother complaining that people were nosy for indicating interest in her life and asking questions. I therefore learnt, at a very young age, that you shouldn't ask questions if you want people to like you...

As a result, as an adult, I have very poor small talk skills and asking questions doesn't come naturally unless someone is a very close friend (and funnily enough, I have few close friends because getting over the small talk hurdle is hard).

It's frustrating because I frequently meet people through work/school/baby groups who have amazing confidence and conversation skills and I'd love to learn how to do the same, however simply trying to mimic them doesn't work as the instinct to shy away from asking questions is too great. I feel as though I could do with a conversation skills course!

Edit to add... I do force myself to try, however it's very consciously formulaic (repeating the same question asked of me, or asking something incredibly boring) vs. being instinctive... I feel as though others just do it, rather than (over)think about it?

But you're an adult now and should therefore know that paying an interest in other people and their lives, isn't being nosy it's being a friend!

I don't ask questions because a) I'm really not interested in anyone else and b) if they want me know they'll tell me. People are exhausting 😁

To those that had it ‘drummed into them’ not to ask questions - are you teaching your own children that? Or do you encourage them to ask about other people?

It's not you OP, my person in my life like this is my sister! I know EXACTLY what you mean and it baffles the shit out of me too if I'm being honest, I think some people on here don't really understand because they don't know one personally.

With most people I have this back and forth sparring type conversational style, I find it pretty effortless, I listen more to the talky ones and talk more on the listeny ones, but with her I really struggle at times, I end up having to ask questions because normal conversation style talking doesn't really work, she tends to answer in 'closed off' replies which don't lead to any further topics..

How's so and so (her DH, kids, pets etc)?
"They're fine" ..
big pause...
Did you see that thing on TV last night?
"no didn't see it" ..
Have you got any plans for your birthday (upcoming)?
"not really" ..

There is ample opportunity if she doesn't want to talk about herself to ask me about my life, current events, news, politics, music, films, hobbies, DH, kids, pets, job, holidays, there's nothing I wouldn't have a conversation about.. but she doesn't ask a single thing, it seems to the casual observer that she just isn't interested..

So I'll sometimes say something like 'one of the kids is having a difficult time with something" and she will not engage in it, she'll answer quite dismissively like, "I'm sure they'll grow out of it eventually" etc.

I did an experiment a little while back, she wanted to pop round to see me, so I decided to let her do the talking.. and she just didn't talk, I shit you not we sat in virtual silence for an hour.. not once did she ask me a singles question to get the ball rolling on a conversation.. not once!! I had to give in eventually as the cringe became too great.. I still don't understand it, I just accept it now, but I often feel exhausted after she's gone.

So all those people saying 'you talk to much' 'you bombard with questions' .. it's not necessarily that, it's just hard having one way conversations all the time and having to carry the load.

Yeah, so that's a naturally flowing conversation. That's a true friend. I can't abide small talk, and I have a family member who doesn't converse like that. You have to ask questions. They answer them with nothing reciprocal. Conversation is like pulling teeth. I don't bother seeing them.

I think that's a separate issue when someone talks on and on energetically

I totally understand OP, and am surprised how many people are suggesting that it's OK or that you're the problem. I have a friend who does this to me all the time. We meet up, she monologues in a way that makes it impossible for me to chip in with much more than a few words, and then it's time to go. No questions about me at all. I find it incredibly hurtful as it feels like I'm just a pair of ears and she doesn't care what's going on for me or value me or my opinions in any way. I don't have this same relationship with other friends so I don't think it's my conversational style that's at fault. I think some people are just like this and - judging by the answers on this thread - don't realise how hurtful it can be

I'm totally with you. In a two-way situation, it just seems polite to realise when you've been talking for a long time and 'pass the baton' by asking the other person a question. Similarly, in a group situation, some (shyer/quieter) people find it hard to enter a conversation where other (outgoing) people are happy to take the stage. It just seems polite to notice this and make space for them to speak by directly asking them a question.

I'm very probably autistic.. but I'd assume some NT people do the same thing as lots of autistic people and just take conversation at face value. Answering questions they are asked and assuming if the other person wants to volunteer information about themselves then they will do so.
I have to remind myself to ask questions.. not because I'm not interested in other people's lives abd opinions but just gecause I don't always remember that people want you to do that in order to say what they want to say.
I would just say what I wanted to say whether I was asked or not. And if I am asked a question I'd just answer it and not view it as some kind of secret code to try abd get me to say something that the other person wanted ne to say in order for them to say something they wanted to say.

I have a a close family member who does this. I have asked them before and their answer is they feel it’s nosy to ask and if someone wants to share the info they will happily listen and are interested.
My teen is the same, I’m always reminding them if someone asks how you are remember to be polite and ask back not just say I’m good thanks it’s a work in progress 😂

I would blurt all these out probably in a ra dom order 😳