to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

There are two separate things being conflated in so many of these posts: people who don't ask others many questions because it's simply not their way (often for reasons of upbringing, as some posts demonstrate), and people who don't ask others many questions because they lack social antennae, are self-absorbed and prefer to talk about themselves. A lot of people seem to be assuming everyone who doesn't ask others many questions falls into the second category. It's quite offensive tbh, all this 'Oh, don't they drive you mad, all they want to do is bang on about themselves.' Just saying.

I think we have the same SIL.

Exhausting!

My Dsis and I were discussing our niece who is just like this. Having a conversation can be very exhausting with her.

With these sorts of people I like to just stop talking and see how long it takes them to notice the conversation has dried up. Made for a good few awkward (and singular) first dates.

A conversation should be a tennis rally, some people just hold the bloody ball.

So the absolute worst is people who live some distance away and pester me for a zoom call, so we set one up, I ask them how are you, what have you been up to etc and they answer and then don’t reciprocate so we’re just sat staring at each other silently on zoom! So the I start to volunteer information about myself and they just don’t really respond. Then I make my excuses and leave and then three weeks later they’re pestering me for another zoom call…..I don’t get it!

I really struggle with people who don’t ask questions, the answers on this thread are illuminating and I will try to keep them in mind but I have always taken someone who doesn’t ask questions to be supremely disinterested.
there are different contexts of course, with a new person I ask questions and would expect questions back because to my mind that’s how you get to know each other. So if they don’t ask questions I assume they don’t want to get to know me.
with good friends/family I ask about their parents/kids/work etc because I care about how they are and am genuinely interested in the answer.

I went to quite a few weddings like that when I was younger, @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER.

Painful.

Heaven preserve me from the sort of people who don’t throw the ball back, so to speak.
There was once a nightmare pre-Christmas party, where I only knew the hosts, so tried to make conversation with their total-stranger neighbours.

Me (brightly) ‘Are you going away for Christmas?’
Them, like a pair of suet puddings - ‘No’.

Me - ‘Have you finished your Christmas shopping?’
Them: ‘Yes.’
Etc. 😩

The older I get the more I realise so many people have SO much to say. I've always been a good listener so have often felt like a sounding board but I have the confidence now to make sure I get as much of my own chat in as possible, or I stop giving them any time at all.
I seem to know a lot of people who don't have many people in their lives too

I know people like this. I don’t think they are ND, just very self absorbed. I’ve known a woman for years and years, I know every aspect of her life, she knows virtually nothing about me. DH was very unwell in hospital and she couldn’t bring herself to even ask how he was.
My BIL is the same, known him 30 years but he barely knows what I do for work. Just monologues about his life and his kids etc.

im going for lunch with a friend tomorrow, I’ll ask questions, she’ll ask questions. Well both offer up information the other would be interested in,
or moan about something. Normal.

Someone asked me if my ds was doing OK with a levels and I could instantly sense her waiting to jump in I was able to get one sentence out before she jumped in about her family member gcse for ages.. And that was that!

@EnglishBluebell no. Or they deliberately seize on something small.

BTW I do have a car disco!!

Someone at work is like this, when I try and join in conversation I feel nervous because she will cut you off half way and immediately interject with her own thing.

" I went to a beautiful cafe /
Well, I went to a cafe over the weekend and....

It's a pain because if someones else is talking about somethings interesting it's a matter of time before she cuts in and brings it back to her intensely boring stories.

Maybe she does have anxiety but I can't square her nervousness with 5 years solid of talking about herself and her family?

You having to clarify this is just typical Mumsnet! An OP mentions that she's asked a couple of questions and posters twist it to mean you're "bombarding" that person with rapid fire questions.
I mentioned on here once that I only listen to music in my car. That got twisted to mean that I transform my car into a mobile disco! 🪩🤦‍♀️🤣
There are a million other examples of this nonsense. Does nobody have proper reading comprehension skills anymore?

But you're an adult now and should therefore know that paying an interest in other people and their lives, isn't being nosy it's being a friend

I'm not the poster you were responding to, but it's not always easy to turn around a lifelong habit, especially when you're used to dealing with negative or unpleasant consequences for doing something.

I think for her cut-off friend's sake, I'd be pointing out to her how she gives that impression and that this might be why the friend of hers doesn't ask!

I had the same. She would sidle up to me in the playground at home time to vent about her day.

I knew her entire life story. She didn't even know my name.
Never asked and there was never a pause in her ramblings for long enough to volunteer 😐

You didn't successfully make that point though - you just described someone with pitifully poor social skills.

I’m not ND and I have to mentally remind myself to do this. I don’t know why it just doesn’t come naturally to me. I wish it did! I’d love to be good at conversation.

I have no doubt that there are some people who don’t show any interest in your life, who just monologue about themselves. Yes, that’s rude. You don’t need to be friends with them.

But some people on this thread (interestingly, the ones who do not identify themselves as ND), seem pretty set on questions = interest. I would suggest that there are a myriad of ways to show interest and care, and if you cannot pick up on those, then it is your social skills which need to be built. Human interactions are complex things.

I’m reminded of the time I got kicked out of a Facebook gifting group for saying “does anyone have x to share? I would be so grateful to you if you did, you would be an absolute lifesaver”, but because I didn’t write “please” I was apparently rude.

Don’t you find that “I’ve asked about X so now you need to ask about X” very fake? It’s so transactional. Done out of social politeness rather than actual interest and care.

Those were deliberately ridiculous examples.

To make the point that if you don't show any interest, they'll give up telling you important things.

I would suggest though that if they don’t ask questions and just monologue for ages and have that general me me me thing then that’s not someone who has trauma/worried about answering questions. They are just very very self absorbed.

Do you expect them to lurch into disclosing that their parent died/their house burned down/their husband ran off, with no promoting, or do you hope to find out anything significant from third parties? Or don't you care?!

YES! For Christ's sake YES! I expect my friends to tell me if their parent has died, or their house has burnt down, or their husband has run off, without being prompted!

Any normal friend would let you know those things. Anyone who sits stewing and waiting to be asked before disclosing massive life events has a total lack of normal communication skills.