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Original poster

To not know what to do

33 replies

thegreenlight · 01/07/2024 11:04

my husband and I have been together since we were 15, we are both now 41.

We have been through a lot in the last 2 years, a renovation where the builders took our money leaving my husband to finish the work, I lost my dad and my children are tricky as are both autistic and are struggling in school.

I went away for a week on a residential and came back to find my husband had been considering leaving me. This has come as a bolt from the blue. I also found he had been on gay and trans dating sites. He tells me this was pure escapism and he deleted them after realising he was having a mid-life crisis.

He seems to think that I need to just accept things as they are. I’m staying to help him but he is cold and not the same.

I love him very much - he now says our relationship is the only good thing but I’m not made to feel that. I don’t trust him as there have been a few things since which feel dodgy to me. He’s not doing anything to work on the relationship and I feel I am just being a door mat to keep the peace. I need to know where we are and if we have a future.

I know everyone will say LTB but we have been through so much, I can’t imagine life without him.

OP posts:
Iseeyoupekingduck · 01/07/2024 11:35

I think you need to let him go I know it's incredibly sad for you but can you imagine he is having to live a lie because he prefers men so it must be incredibly difficult for him too. Unless you can work a way to stay together but you can both see someone else.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 01/07/2024 11:35

When I’m with him I just want to cling on - when I’m away I question whether separation is the only way forward. It would destroy my boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 01/07/2024 11:33

He downloaded the app the week I was away (he says - the dates say a week before) so I don’t think it has been going on for that long. I hope.

OP posts:
LostTheMarble · 01/07/2024 11:31

Being burned out doesn’t suddenly change your sexuality. If he’s looking at gay/trans (and I’m assuming trans women, so again male) porn/chats, evidently this has been going on a long while. It’s completely unfair that he thinks it’s now fine because it’s out in the open, this is gaslighting you if he eventually takes it further. He will say ‘well you knew I was exploring that part of myself and you stayed’. It would be different if he was having an open conversation with you, which he needs to do. Shutting down completely is unfair to you, he has no right to leave you questioning your future on his whims of deciding it’s fine or not.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 01/07/2024 11:30

He says he is definitely not gay - I think it’s because he is fixated on anal sex (which is practically the only way he will have sex with me and enjoy it which has caused problems over the years as it hurts) god when I say that I sounds awful. He said he felt so out of sorts that he was trying to work out what is wrong and though maybe he was gay. He said he is not sexually attracted to men. The porn he watches is women having anal. Maybe he thinks that he is not cheating if it’s not another woman?

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 01/07/2024 11:26

I feel quite sorry for both of you. Your husband is obviously struggling a lot with his sexuality (which, given that you’ve been together since you were 15, he’s obviously been trying to repress for a long time). He’s clearly either gay or bi and has been in denial about that for a very long time. That must be very difficult and takes a huge mental toll on anyone.

At the same time, this obviously has a massive impact on you and is devastating for your marriage. And obviously it’s incredibly difficult for you if he won’t bloody talk or engage about it.

You can’t go on like this. I think maybe counselling (separately as well as together) might be a good idea if you want to move forward, but honestly, if your husband is gay then I think you need to look at separating while it can still be amicable.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 01/07/2024 11:25

I’m trying to support him though this - he says that he is burnt out by having to do the house. It has been awful and he has worked really hard. Our children are so difficult too. He said he just wanted to run away and that’s why he went on the chats. He said he’s relived that I found them so he could talk about it. He booked a day off today without telling me and seems to think everything can go back to normal as it is all about how he feels and him putting himself first.

we were honestly fine before I left - it’s come from nowhere. I have no boundaries. I’m such a walk over. I don’t think I can do it on my own as the renovation has bankrupted us nearly!

OP posts:
haveatye · 01/07/2024 11:11

I think you both need therapy. Separately. If you can afford it.

You say you love him but he's cold, looking into other sex stuff, doing nothing to work on the relationship. What are your boundaries for what you'll accept or not accept?

When you've been together basically since you were children, it seems unimaginable to split because you've never been an adult by yourself. But it is doable.

I'm not telling you to split, I'm saying work out what you want, see if it's on the table and be open to the idea that it has run its course. You'd survive. Don't be willing to accept a relationship however paltry just because it's all you've ever known. Value yourself.