To not know what to do

I don't think you need to see this as meaning you're not desirable. Or that he doesn't love you and it's all been a sham.

I'm sure you can be close as people but sexually incompatible. You deserve to have sex with someone who actually desires you. If your DH doesn't desire you that way, it's not your fault.

Think of a best case scenario of how this turns out: say two years time, you're still friends but don't live together, you parent together but have separate, fulfilling sex lives.

This is part of the problem with getting together so young, you just don't really know yourself. Then you end up committed to preserving the self you thought you were at 15.

Sadly OP, this is more common than you think. At 15 he might well have suspected he was gay but unable to face it, forced himself to have a relationship with a female. But only has sex with you in a male to male way, anally with you face down so that he isn't reminded that you are in fact a woman. I know that this must be hard to read or to contemplate, it makes a mockery of your marriage if true, but he wouldn't be the first man to go through the motions with a woman, before finally admitting his true sexuality. A midlife crisis does not involve looking into something which is holds no attraction for you. I am heterosexual and zero interest in women sexually, therefore no matter what crisis I was going through, the last thing I would be doing would be trawling through lesbian dating apps. You need to protect yourself, starting with an STI check. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. He can love you and be gay.

Sending a virtual hug, this stuff is so hard to manage.

The children and their needs are of course a big part of things.
I'm here 2 years after separating from my ex , also with two autistic kids and my own disability, to tell you that the future can be calm , happy and fulfilling. No doubt it will be hard but you will manage and you will get stronger. And you can find a way of co parenting that works for your family, it doesn't have to look anything like other separated families.

If he's your best friend, maybe cohabiting will work for you, for a while anyway.
I think my ex was also emotionally abusing me, but not in an intentional unconscious way, it was as a result of his lasting mental health problems. And with this it means I can carry on working with him platonically to care for our 'tricky' children.

Actually, the mom's net forums were very helpful for me when I was trying to make my decision to leave. I also recommend a book or two for you.

Untamed by Glennon Doyle
The heart-centered woman's guide to healthy boundaries , I'm sorry I forget the author.

You don't have to act immediately. You can take your time making a decision. It's perfectly okay to say to him. Please give me some time to process this and figure out what's the best thing to say or do.

Counselling as others have said would be a very sensible thing to do. If Funds don't allow for this, Samaritans is also immensely helpful and free t. Just saying it all out loud is very freeing and for me helps me figure things out, especially whenever it's not stuff I necessarily want to talk to friends about.

Best of luck to you 🤝

I mean this kindly, but please, you are being abused. He only wants anal sex despite the fact you are in pain? No matter how much you love him, that's not an acceptable or happy sex life. He's lying to you by saying he's not at the very least curious about gay sex. I know it's going to hurt you but please just tell him that you are going to separate. In the long run you will be happier.

Absolutely this.
You need to seek counselling for yourself asap.
That you would believe that is what a normal healthy sex life is, from when you were a child, is just unbelievably sad.
Stop doing anal for a start.
He knows it causes you pain, but carries on.
He is absolutely disgusting.
You need to protect yourself and your body.
You are not here to make sex bearable for him...ffs.
He knows bloody well he is gay/bi for as long as ye are together.
You need supporting.
Perhaps Women's aid can direct you.
I feel desperately sorry for you.

Just to add - if this was me, I would send him a text or email being very factual -

Hi X
I have taken some time to think things through and have sought some advice. We got together so young that I have normalised things are are clearly abnormal. Finding the apps on your phone last week has helped me see things more clearly and I know you are struggling with your sexuality. I realise you haven’t felt able to discuss this for the past X years so may still not feel ready, however it’s unfair on both me and the boys to keep living this lie.

We need to discuss how we move forwards from this, and I don’t want to just drop it on you in person. Please let’s agree a time to speak properly but I am not interested in further denials which are doing nothing but confuse me and affect my own self esteem and mental health. We both need to face the reality and figure out what this will mean for us going forwards.

Regardless of whether your husband is gay or not, the things you have written on here about your sex life are absolutely horrific

Yes all relationships mean you have to give and take. You have to put up with quirks and learn to live with things that annoy you.

You don’t have to put up with your husband pretending he is having sex with a man by putting you on your front where no female parts are visible and only having sex with your anus, as gay men do.

I'm not saying LTB, I don't even have the right to say that, however, WOULD you be able to imagine your life where your husband doesn't figure?
Totally different ball game.
I have been happily married for 20+years, husband significantly older.
I can imagine my life without him, because it's a necessity.
A bit scary, definitely not a wish, but reality.

You ‘put up’ with leaving socks on the floor or forgetting whose turn it is to take out the bin. Not being used and cohered into painful sex purely for one person’s needs to be met.

I’m sure he does love you, and that’s why he hasn’t told you. Because there’s no going back from this. As you’ve said, it will destroy all of your lives.

However, it is already destroying your lives. You don’t know what a normal sex life is. You’re confused wondering what’s wrong and what you’ve done wrong, when the answer is nothing - he’s just becoming less able to pretend. And this WILL come to a head - I’d wager he will limp on until the kids are grown up, he will tell himself he a has done right by you all.

Then he will be out there living his best life while your best years are long behind you and you’ve wasted decades on a lie you didn’t know you were living. That in itself will have a huge impact on your children.

I suspect he was relieved because the truth was out. Because he never imagined you’d actually believe he wasn’t gay. But you did, so he will secretly be back to hiding these urges and withdrawing more and more.

And he will know all of this, even subconsciously. Everything you are saying, it sounds so desperate to be with him/can’t be without him (I don’t mean this in a nasty way and I’m sorry if it read that way). You’re the mother of his children and he’s ’tricked’ you into a life he can’t sustain. Now none of that is really true because at 14 he probably wasn’t sure at all of his sexuality and it may not have even crossed his mind. But right now, he’s going to be carrying a lot of guilt because who he is is going to blow your entire world up. So he probably feels he can’t tell you either, or is still in conscious denial.

He absolutely is gay. He can’t have vaginal sex. He’s watching both gay and trans porn. The time you caught him will not be the first time.

This is awful for you but it will also be awful for him. You were together before he even had time to figure out who he is (through no fault of either of you). Now you’re both trapped.

Set yourself free by admitting that this is no life. You have no sex life anyway - surely this is a really good starting place to move forwards as friends, as you already are friends?

The only way he can enjoy sex with you is anally which emulates the porn he watches, hurts you, and which you feel pressured into.

Gently, OP, fucking run. This is awful abuse.

And anal sex is not safe for women.

It’s not safe to be constantly having painful anal as a woman. It’s not consensual if you’re only doing it to please him. And he’s not straight if he’s actively looking for sexual gratification from other men, online or through using you.

I don't think it matters if he's gay. Most people have a mix of attraction to different people. What matters is he doesn't seem to want to be 100% with you. And tbh your sex life sounds entirely unfulfilling for you.

It does sound awful op, sex should be mutually pleasurable. This is why counselling might help - even a few sessions would probably bring things out where you think 'why have I been living like this for so long'?

People on here always talk about the script. Maybe it's this? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

Basically when a man wants to back out of a commitment to a relationship, they can't handle admitting to it and so wriggle and manipulate to make it look like it's not their fault and they've tried so hard but the wife has done something. He's checked out and is not working on the relationship. That's in his hands, not yours. All you can do is draw a line at what you're prepared to accept.

Honestly I'd find a way to end the relationship but share parenting of your kids in the healthiest possible way. You don't want him to swan off to do mid life sexual exploration while you put in the hard graft with your kids.

Cross post. If this is for real he absolutely is sexually abusive and using you for his ‘confused’ wants. He’s not confused, this isn’t typical behaviour of a man in a heterosexual relationship. There’s nothing wrong with anal in a straight relationship as long as it’s consenting/planned/safe etc. This is none of that.