Part of me guiltily wants my life back

Can you afford to go down to 4 days a week? Then once baby is at school you will get a day to yourself x I am PT and this is my plan, I won't go FT ever again

Totally normal. I felt it acutely, and it was even worse after DH died so there was nobody else to step in. To reassure you, though, you DO get your life back and sooner than you'd think. I'd say from 4ish thing improve massively and now that DD is 6, I feel like myself again. Sure, I have to sort babysitters and can't be quite as spontaneous but actually, the things I get to do with DD are even more fun than the things I did before her so it balances out. You will get there, I promise!

It's possible to do a lot of activities from my old life. I cycle with DD on a child carrier and we live in London so we get to galleries and exhibitions most weekends. We took her to the CBeebies prom at the Royal Albert Hall last year and will be going this year too. We go to children's theatres and I've brought her along to to some theatre and cinema shows for adults, where babies can be brought along. She goes into a creche at my leisure centre while I work out and swim a few times a week. She naps in the buggy or carrier on trips out and just goes with the flow.

The baby/toddler years are relentless and exhausting but it gets much easier as they grow up. I think the poster who pointed out that when you’re young and single you yearn for marriage and babies is spot on - we always want what we haven’t got. I wish now that I’d really made the most of the freedom I used to have and seen more of the world.., but my kids are 13 and 10 now and I’m getting it back (and in fact feeling sad at how quickly the years til they fly the nest now seem to be going!). I did keep up with one of my hobbies, which I’m glad of, and found a way to sort of enjoy one of my others (camping/hiking… totally different with kids but still lovely). Life will be different for a while but it’s a stage, try to keep up with at least one thing that makes you feel like ‘you’ and it will get easier.

Get Apple fitness op. They have hit / strength / core / weights lessons you can do at home

I think you do grieve your old life a bit, but unless you are a single parent there is no reason why you can't pursue all the interests you had before. I have three children, 4, 7 and 8 and run four times a week and am the same size and weight I was before I had kids (not saying this to brag, but your weight and size seem to be part of what's bothering you).

Yes you can't travel at the drop of a hat, but you can still plan things that are adventurous when you have kids.

18 months was the worst age for all my kids though (for me). They are very dependent still and can't really walk for long periods or talk properly, plus they are often still having naps etc - it's harder when they are at that stage to envisage a life with more freedom, but it will come!

In terms of the exercise - try doing hiit workouts (or similar) at home. There are loads on YouTube. This is what I do and my toddler just either plays around me or I pop the tv on for him depending on his mood. I have limited opportunity to be away from my DS to go for an exercise class/to the gym so it helps massively to be able to do my exercise with him around.

It's normal but IME it is not forever. My baby was a toddler during covid so I didn't get away from her as much as I maybe might have otherwise, but even by mid-2021 when she was 2, I'd started to get bits of my old life and autonomy back. I could go away for a night or two, was immersing myself once again in the work I loved - in general feeling more like my whole self even if this had to happen in quite strict time frames. It's got easier and easier since then, especially since she started school. You will get it back.

I do still feel wistful on lovely summer evenings that I can't just make an impromptu plan for drinks after work, attend every cultural event I fancy etc etc, but I feel like that is all waiting for me. And yes as PPs said, a lot of your interests are really suitable for sharing with your kids - cycling, exhibitions etc will give you years of joy together as they grow. My partner is preparing our 5yo for her first gentle through hike, something he loves to do. We do so much fun stuff as a family, less ambitious than we would have before kids but still enjoyable and I know it's laying the groundwork for more in the future.

I know it might feel bleak now but it really isn't game over. Every year gets a bit easier. Especially once you drop the nap and don't need the buggy any more, things get exponentially easier. Just hang in there!

Mine are 27 and 25 now, and I hardly see them (one is the other side of the world). I'd love to go back in time and have a day with them as toddlers. Not helpful, I know. But I really, really miss them.

Get her a child seat for your bike? She would love it 😊

@Teacherprebaby
Veeery good! 👍

The reality hit me like a train on our first post baby holiday - self catering with a one year old. Well it wasn’t a holiday just same drudge different place!

You need to adjust your mindset. It’s why I would be so devastated if a teen of mine got pregnant- they would never even have the free years!

It comes full circle though teens can enrich your life and force you to stay current and do stuff you wouldn’t otherwise have done but enjoy.

Just wait until they are at school and your life is dictated by the school run every few hours without fail! And when you're not doing that, its prepping for school - uniform buying and washing, homework projects, costumes, money for this and that.

I think you're still in the trenches OP, and it does get so much easier.

I found doing things that fulfilled me with my baby worked nicely, a midweek trip to a gallery or a museum would be fine with a baby if you time it around naps, she would be snoozing in her pram whilst you have a wander round maybe?

Please don't feel guilty, it's really normal.

Hm, I know 😁
Me too.

@GingerPirate I think that's quite common in long marriages, with or without children. Exactly why I go away on my own quite often.

That's alright, OP.
You have a healthy baby and a kind husband,
very good!
I have one as well, for about 20 years, no babies.
Part of me still guiltily wants to be single, live in an apartment and be able to shut the bloody door anytime I want! (And when coming back, find everything untouched).
Oh well. 😁

Everyone is entitled to post on here with THEIR problems. Problems are relative, how dare you make someone feel bad for not being domestically abused FFS!!

Yup I hated being a mother to a little one. Such repetitive drudgery day in day out. Only had one because I hated it so much. Love my DD utterly obviously but hated the job of Mum.

Shes an adult now and am finally getting my life back.

Yes, I absolutely feel the same way, and felt it very strongly with an 18 month old. It was the hardest age for me (and didn't help it was during Covid so no help).

You do sort of just get used to it. I was 37 when I had mine so had been doing my own thing since 18 when I went to uni, had been with DP for 10 years and had a very nice life... then suddenly you're trapped in the drudgery of childcare and housework and zero spontaneity. It's hard. Mine is five now and it's all much easier - although I still can't do what I want, I can do a lot more. I go to the gym two evenings a week because he's fine being put to bed without me. I go out for the day or away for the weekend regularly because my DP is more than capable of entertaining a five year old on his own (at 18 months it felt mean because it was all such hard work). I can leave him upstairs playing while I'm in the garden. Everything has to be planned, but it's possible.

Also older children are more fun. You can do activities that you enjoy as well - this helps!

I had kids at 28- it was still a huge adjustment- but I would have had a breakdown if all my spare time away from work was spent only with them or Dh. I very much need time on my own.

I had DS just short of 40, was absolutely horrified and thought I'd made a huge mistake to the point of googling adoption services and staring miserably at women cycling past in nice coats or sitting by themselves in cafes reading -- I really struggled with never being alone on maternity leave (complicated by DH being made redundant when DS was about three weeks old and all he could find being a lengthy commute away).

All I would say it is that it's entirely normal, and that all the things you miss come back. You will be going to plays on a whim and cycling Hadrian's Wal again. You haven't lost any of your old self. However, you need what you need in the short term, and I would not be in the least apologetic in prioritising that, whatever it's exercise, solitude, theatre.

It does get easier op. Do keep up with your hobbies as one day the kids have their own lives. DS is nearly 18 and I have no idea where that time has gone.

I'm glad I kept up with friends and my interests as if I had t i would t know what to do with myself.

You need to tag team with your DH and take it in turns to do stuff you enjoy.

Totally normal, but nothing really to feel guilty about. Your are grieving in a way for the life you had, whilst coping with a new reality. The new world is fulfilling and meaningful, but at times it's sheer fucking, exhausting drudgery.

What I would add is that I don't think it's necessarily about age. I say that as someone who had children young and then another one after a gap. Parenthood is a massive adjustment at any age. You perhaps give up fewer habits when you are younger, but might not have the confidence and emotional resources that come with age and experience.

What happens is that you grow with your children. As they become more independent you start to sleep, then you get your evenings back, then you start to think about hobbies and have time for your own well-being again. And before you blink they are off to uni...

For now, sleep as well as you can, prioritise eating well as a family and getting out of the house when you can for fresh air and exercise. Pushing a pram keeps you active until you can pick up the gym again.

I actually think personally the later I'd had kids the more I would have felt like this as I'd have built more of a child-free life for myself. I'm 48 and DDs are adults or nearly.

It does get easier as they get older, particularly as you only have the one. I've always been able to pursue my own interests and work as well as being a mum, even with two DDs, as I find that really important, but I love being a mum and would not change it for the world. Also as they grow up they become great company- DDs are 18 and 15 now and make me laugh and expand my horizons so much.