I would describe my dad as a nice person who always helps people, even when they don’t ask or want it. As I’ve grown up and been overly helpful to others myself, I’ve realised that this can be patronising or irritating. I’m in my 30s, I moved out in my mid 20s, got married and had a baby. When my dad visits my home, he makes comments about things that are out of place or not perfect.
for example, if my grass is a bit long it’s “you need to cut your grass” or “you need to wash your car”. When my cars MOT is due, he will message me non stop up to 6 months in advance asking if I’ve booked it yet. Then he’ll say things like “I’ll wash and hoover your car before it goes into the garage” and I’ll ask why and he’ll say “to give a good impression”. Even though I wash and hoover my car regularly so this kinda insults me? Because it makes me feel like I’ve not done a good enough job or he thinks I’m dirty.
he will also go through my outside bins and if they are full he will say when does your bin next get emptied. I don’t know why he cares and it comes across to me like he still views me as a child and/or he’s worried that my neighbours or visitors will think he hasn’t raised me right or something if things aren’t perfect.
he is also the type to do things to my home and garden without asking me first. Like he will turn up and start doing DIY or will move my stuff about and take things away (!) without speaking to me about it. He doesn’t understand how this is wrong because whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets really defensive and goes off in a huff and stops talking to me.
he will also do things like book stuff without talking to me first. The AC in my car had a leak and I casually mentioned it and he said he had phoned up a garage and booked it in to get fixed and I asked when for and he told me the date and I said I couldn’t do that day… he didn’t ask me first he just went ahead and booked it. When I’m capable of booking it myself?
I also had a woman show up at my home saying she was a gardener and my dad had texted her to come over. She obviously thought my dad must live with me and was asking if he was in because I didn’t really know what she was visiting for, if it was for a quote to do gardening or to actually do my garden that day. Even though nothing needed done and she even said that so it felt like my dad is ashamed of me and again it’s a keeping up appearances thing.
i know some people will say they’d love it if their parents did all this stuff for them but I really don’t. It makes me feel like a child and I feel my boundaries are being trampled especially when my dad does things without talking to me (or my husband!) first.
I could give more examples but the last one is I mentioned I’d like a pond in my garden and my dad offered to help dig it and we agreed a weekend we’d do it. He turned up at my house and didn’t knock or anything so I didn’t know he was here and he started digging the hole and installed a pond in my garden without asking me where I wanted it or how big etc. when I saw him and came outside I felt really awkward and uncomfortable because it’s my garden and it kinda feels like he views my things as belonging to him? I don’t know. As I said I can’t even talk to him about these things because he will storm off and give me the silent treatment.