Is my dad helpful or overstepping

He is seriously infantalizing you. A crucial part of parenting is teaching your child to cope in the world, and then backing off to let them do exactly that. He is not parenting, he is overparenting. It may well be an expression of love but I feel this has far, far more to do with meeting his own needs, not yours. Its time for him to get busier in his own life and not involving himself so much in yours. I feel you need a very clear and blunt conversation with him.

Oh my god my dad is like this. When I lived at home he’d open my bank statements to check I wasn’t getting in debt.
He’d also come round my house and do my garden while I was on holiday.
Since I’ve had a partner he’s stopped but I always appreciated it but like… why are you round my house ?! Privacy ! Have you said anything ?

Put in place proper boundaries. No means no.

Lock your doors, including garden door.

Don't mention any jobs that need doing.

I'll tell you something from the other perspective. I used to be the 'helpful' one and didn't understand why people didn't appreciate what I did for them. I used to be outraged that people wouldn't listen to me and do what I told them to do.

Then I went to therapy (for different issues) and my therapist told me two things that opened my eyes:

1. I was not helpful, my behaviour was controlling. I wasn't only trying to control every single element of my life, but I was trying to control everyone else too.
2. Offering to help when you're not being asked to can be perceived as aggressive behaviour. I was appalled to realise that anyone could perceive my behaviour as aggressive and from that day I have worked very hard to change it.

It sounds like your dad can't control his home life and can't help you mom, so he is trying to (maybe unconsciously) control your life by offering unwanted help.

I would speak to him and suggest therapy. He might be very upset by it, but he also might reflect and try to change.

I have worked very hard to change my controlling tendencies and I try my very best to not 'help' unless I am being asked to.

I'd change the way you communicate with him. Stop telling him things that need fixing and don't ask him to help anymore. If he tells you about something say "thank you for the reminder but it's sorted "
If he brings it up again say "did you forget, I already told you I sorted it "

Keep paperwork locked away and don't let him have a key to your home. Visit them and don't over share

There's always one.

OP can you stop him coming round? See him at a cafe or something, or only go to theirs? He has absolutely no respect for you and your home so you need to cut off his supply of things to complain about/do.

This is not helpful, it's controlling.

My DD and her DH had a similar problem with his parents. The final straw came when they were on holiday and his parents sorted out my DD's clothes (making a pile of those they thought she should give to the charity shop), rehung their pictures in different places, and, unbelievably, installed a piano which DD and her DH had already made very clear they did not want because it would take up too much room in their small flat.

My DD was incandescent but tried to explain very gently and politely that this sort of behaviour was overstepping and unwelcome, although she appreciated it was done with good intentions. This was the cue for hysterics from the MIL followed by a period of NC from her. But it seemed to clear the air because 6 or 7 years later they are now able to coexist harmoniously, although MIL still makes snide remarks about my DD not welcoming any help.

You will have to establish boundaries with your father OP. He may be upset initially but, if he really loves you, he will have to come to terms with the fact that you are an independent adult.

I think you'll be surprised how much consensus you'll get that this is not OK.

His boundaries around you are not where they should be, or where you want them to be. They need redrawing. You are an adult, you get to redraw them. Don't expect it to be easy though - expect resistance. But resistance won't mean that you are wrong or that you should stop.

A therapist could help you along with this is funds allow. Therapy tends to run in blocks of 6 sessions so it wouldn't necessarily cost thousands. Just one block might be worth a try.

Actually it’s not necessary. Please don’t put this burden on OP. Some people don’t understand how damaging this sort of attitude from parents might be. It might affect OP’s confidence, relationships with her partner/ child/ in laws. It is disrespectful not helpful, it doesn’t mean a loving parent - it often means interfering, controlling and difficult parent.

For starters, change the locks, put padlocks on external gates.

Stop mentioning anything that might encourage him to "sort it"

When he overstep, and you point it out, wait out the tantrum. Breezily pretend it hasn't happened and crack on. If he's going to hold a grudge, give you the silent treatment over some low level rubbish this is not your problem to sort.

And take your husband out to dinner. Just because he is a saint.

When he's not here, you'll wish he was.
You'll miss him terribly.

This^
yes, your dad still sees you as a child not as a capable grown up. It will gets worse and worse and the only way to stop it - is to stop it asap. E.g with car booking I would say no, I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t go. With a gardener I would play a big surprise and tell her that no, it’s my house ( garden) and I have no idea what she is talking about, I didn’t book you, sort it with him.
Dies he have your key? Consider taking it. If he says no, say I’ll change the locks and then CHANGE them. The key is yo be polite and follow through.
It means difficult conversations and maybe less help so you need to be prepared for this.
You need to find him a role in your life which doesn’t involve sorting you problems. It looks like he is bored and has nothing to do so relying on you to provide him something to be busy with which is not right.

My dad is like this but in a good way, I had a car issue and couldn't ring the garage as was at work and had lunch duty etc so I pinged him the problem,he rang the garage and got a selection of dates and the price for me to choose.

My dad does all my DIY, he loves to help and be useful, he'll find out exactly what I want, find out when I'm free or when I'm away whatever works best and will do it then.

However I'm a single parent, he doesn't work as has various physical and MH issues andit gives him great joy to be useful and do those things. I can do them myself or organized someone else but he likes it. He also does DIY and light gardening for his elderly / vulnerable neighbors. There is no stomping off or giving the silent treatment.

It’s not helpful, it’s controlling and abusive. How on earth your husband puts up with it I don’t know, he must be a saint

If you are happy to be no contact then I'd pull him up on every single thing and let him go off and sulk. You are right to protect your child. I'd also get some counselling so that you can feel less affected by comments, but I do understand that comments from parents, who are supposed to be your biggest supporters, can get to you in a way few other things do. If you think you'd be happier overall do no contact. Have you tried saying straight out that you find all the criticism hurtful? That it makes you feel unloved? I think with DH's parents they don't see their children as people in their own right and as they have crippling low self esteem (and I suspect MIL is a sociopath/psychopath) all they can do is copy what those around then do, so they feel shame and panic if the grass isn't cut as their grass and their children's grass is a reflection of them.

I find it concerning on this site, that when a man is perceived to be wrong, HES A MONSTEEEEERRR GET THE TORCHES!!! HE SHOULD BE TARRED AND FEARHERED!!!

On the flip side, when it's a woman whose behavior is less than stellar, the man is either supposed to just put up with it, or is again, villainized. Y'all are a bunch of hypocrites that want to make all the rules and follow none.

As for you, OP, your dad sounds like my mom. She is programmed to take care of "her men". Last time I was home, she wouldn't leave me the f@$% alone. I tried to remind her I was in my fifties, a full grown male, not an 8 year old. It simply did not matter. She has no off switch. I'm hoping, next time I'm there, my wife will be in tow and that might derail her crosses fingers.
A lot of your complaints make your dad sound so much like her. It's not that he thinks you're dirty, incapable, inept etc... he's just programmed to take care of "his little girl", even though you are far from a little girl. Might just be a "flaw" of that generation. Reading through the things that bother you, I couldn't help but consider the reasons why he does those things. Sadly, if he's anything like my mom, no amount of explaining will do any good. I would absolutely lose my shit. My dad said I was exaggerating and it wasn't THAT bad. So i went and got my blood pressure monitor. It was something like 185/130. I was probably inches from having a stroke. I'm trying to rearrange my thinking because she really does mean no harm. She's just trying to help and at 83, I'm not sure how much longer she will be around to annoy the ever living shit out of me. She's a great mom. I'm hoping your father is likewise a great parent, just a little misguided how to exert his parenting. I'm really not sure there's much you can do. Last I was staying at my folks place, my mom came down to my area 8x in one hour (I counted) just to tell me some inane thing or ask a similarly inane question.
The solution I've come up with for myself is to act like a quokka. If a predator (mom) approaches, I will fling my offspring (in this case, my wife) in the path of the predator and affect my escape. My mom adores my wife so I think it will work. I've told my sister she can do it too if it works.
Not sure if you have anyone that can similarly distract your dad. I sympathize, empathize and wish you the best of luck with this.

Absolutely the same here, I didn't realise till I was about 46 (!!), that their opinion wasn't the most important. I know, I know... Mine can be like this but not quite to the same degree, and he would also sulk if his help were rejected.

You don't mention your DM OP - does he live alone? Maybe it's his clumsy ocd way of trying to be part of your life if he's alone and lonely. Or maybe he doesnt want to lose control of you? Maybe he wants to feel needed?
Whichever it is, I'd definitely have a calm chat with him about how his overstepping your boundaries is making YOU feel. If he takes offence and sulks then let him - he's an adult and so are you.

yanbu. He’s overstepping massively and you need to tell him firmly. “Dad I really appreciate that you’re trying to help me but I need you to stop doing things for me. I especially don’t like it when you go ahead and do things without checking with me first, like booking appointments without knowing if I’m available and digging a pond without asking me if it’s ok to start and where exactly I want it to go. I’m not a child anymore and I need more control over my own life and decisions as I’m capable of deciding for myself when my bins need emptying or my lawn needs mowing. Please don’t be offended as I know it’s coming from a place of love but please do take this on board as I need things to change.”

I would also keep quiet about anything you’re thinking needs done. Be vague about things like your. MOT. It won’t stop the routine stuff but will help cut back on anything major.

He's hugely overstepping! What does your DH think?

Generally dad's like to fix things and it is their way of showing love (or can be). My dad read some book called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and went on about this for ages. He'd say things like if you want me to help, I will. If you just want me to listen, tell me, because I'm a bloke and I won't know otherwise.

I think you need to find a way of being honest in a direct kind way, like thanks etc but I didn't want the pond there, and gradually draw your boundaries.

i know some people will say they’d love it if their parents did all this stuff for them but I really don’t. It makes me feel like a child and I feel my boundaries are being trampled especially when my dad does things without talking to me (or my husband!) first.

i can’t imagine anyone would love this. It’s one thing if they ask and have particular skills to offer for something you want done where you’d otherwise need to get a tradesman in, however this is really overstepping. And it sounds pretty constant too. If you can’t stop him can your DH have a word.

Are you an only child? ( I'm asking a an only child ) because I found it hard to stop being treated as a child around my parents and it was a cycle both of us fed into. But they have never over stepped this much and its more emotional worries with me.

I think your right that he is still viewing you as a child. I don't think he thinks your are dirty or incapable but ... that's what his actions are making you feel. Can you tell him this? Thar you need time to sort things out.

Otherwise i think you might need a period of low contact. So you don't have to mention what your up to ect and he gets out of the habit of 'helping.