Is my dad helpful or overstepping

My late dad was a bit like this but nowhere as extreme. He had old fashioned views which formed his actions towards me. An example would be coming to visit and running his finger along the tops of pictures to see if there was dust (there was). I chose to ignore this sort of behaviour - it was a joke as his own home was certainly not immaculate.

The only time I snapped was when he told me my dd could never be married in church and her life would not be a good one because I did not have her christened. On this occasion I told him he had had his choices with me and now let us make our own with our daughter and something a lot ruder because it made me so angry. He also then told me he felt my DH had never wanted to marry me.

I think op some of the things are meant well, but he has really crossed the line on others. It is like you are still a small child at school and he is checking you have done your homework. His storming off and silent treatment is your punishment for not toeing the line.

Jesus Christ! I mean this in the most respectful way but is his manner a reason your mum is struggling mentally? I know a man like this and his wife and son struggled mentally, the daughter moved to another country as was too much for her, completely overbearing

Your dad sounds like an overbearing nightmare.

It is not “an act of love” to not allow you to grow up and live your own life.

How is nagging you to book an MOT for 6 months in any way sensible or necessary? Reminding you a month before could be considered as helpful although why he would need to know when the MOT on his adult not living with him daughters car is due is a whole other question.

Does he still live with your mother & is their relationship very unequal? Do you have siblings and does he behave the same with them?

I don’t know how you go about changing his behaviour but whatever you do it won’t be easy and he will throw tantrums.

How does he let himself in? Change the locks or get keys off him.
is he neurodiverse?

OP isn’t expecting perfection, she just wants to be treated like an adult which is perfectly reasonable.

Parents can’t act as they wish just because they are parents. OP certainly doesn’t have to put up with it.

very helpful not, then she wont have a father at all.

No parents are perfect, mine werent, wouldnt have dreamt of cutting them off though. No way, you just have to navigate these things.
I wish they were still here, warts and all.

Gosh and I thought my Mum was bad! I feel your pain. I’m sure my Mum still views me as a 14 yr old when I’m actually 52!

she doesn’t live close so when she comes, it’s for a few days. She used to rearrange our cutlery drawer, so we just put it all back the way we had it later in the day. She will often rearrange my washing on the airer and goes into my bedroom and “tidies” things. I find it really annoying and disrespectful because I’m sure she does not do these things when she visits my Auntie’s house.

I feel that she is being critical when she does these things because if it’s not done her way, it’s not done properly (in her mind). She just can’t seem to accept that there are more ways than one of doing things.

And why does she care so much that the bloody knife and forks “are the wrong way around”?

Like you OP I’m sure if I mention these things she will go off in a huff. So I grit my teeth until she leaves.

In your case (& possibly mine) it sounds like it is a symptom of something else - perhaps he needs to be needed/to fill his time or to get a breather from your Mum?

Either way, I think you will have to be less open with your plans and when he says “this needs doing” just say to him that your DH and you will deal with it your way and he doesn’t need to worry. Keep that on repeat!

This isn’t love. This is control.

for the pond this was something I thought we could do together as we both enjoy gardening and I thought it would be nice but he went off and did it by himself when that wasn’t what we planned.

that’s really sad.
Your dad sounds quite stubborn but if you got him to stop dropping in unannounced maybe he’ll listen to you about the rest. Although I’d say you’ll really have to spell it out.
Is there any chance he’s nd? I only ask because he really does remind me of my own dad and he is.

goes off in a huff and stops talking to me

I would go for that option-it sounds infinitely more preferable.

Dear god how does your partner cope with this? Bad enough when it's your own parent overstepping massively, even worse when it's an in-law.

I wouldn’t be able to stand this. I’m a grown adult and don’t need anyone, especially a man treating me like I’m still a child.

I would stop telling him things and remind him that it’s my house, not his.

I’d go no contact if things didn’t improve.

Telling you that your bin needs emptying or your lawn needs cutting is standard dad stuff, mildly annoying but not a big deal.

The rest, though... yeah, that's massively, massively overstepping. Booking your car into the garage, moving/getting rid of your stuff without asking, getting a gardener round is just intrusive and interfering. This must drive your husband mad too, surely? It's bad enough when it's your own parent who's getting over-involved and ignoring your wishes, but it's even worse when it's in-laws.

My dad, in the days when he was still able, absolutely LOVED doing DIY and gardening for us and was always suggesting various home improvements, but he wasn't pushy or interfering about it, and he would NEVER have done anything without asking us first.

Why does he know what garage you booked? Is there one garage locally?

Tell him you're a grown up and you'll sort your own MOT and that you won't be telling where you're getting the MOT done.

I stopped inviting my inlaws to stay when they decided our garden needed working on and spent an entire hot afternoon doing it. They rarely saw the grandchildren and it would have been so much nicer if they could have just sat and spent time with them instead of doing work in the garden which would have got done eventually. DH and I were well into our 40s at the time!!

As I said I can’t even talk to him about these things because he will storm off and give me the silent treatment

This sounds like a win

Why does this concern you?

Your dad sounds lovely. Mine was like that, would do anything for you if asked.

I agree with pps who say this is a control thing as my mum can be like this too. Apparently 'helping' but with things I do not need or want help with. It's very annoying and I find the only way is to minimise the opportunity for her to do these things.

For a start, stop mentioning to him that things need to be fixed or that you want something done like the pond put in.
My dad doesn’t visit me that often but when he does he usually brings a screwdriver or a drill. I appreciate him doing small diy jobs like bleeding the radiators or something but if I gave him free rein I know what would happen because my mam lets him have free rein in her house. He has broken stuff, made stuff worse instead of fixing it and does random stuff like putting hooks up all over the kitchen just because he’s bored. He has no concept of privacy, opens post that doesn’t belong to him etc. He won’t stop at something until it’s “perfect “ and is a bit obsessive about things being level..anyway, rant over. I never, ever breathe a word about anything needing doing in his earshot, you should do the same. Other than that I’m afraid I don’t have any advice other than you’ll have to put your foot down.