DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

So long as he sorted out teeth, hair etc after they got back and didn't leave it to you, then the PJs wouldn't bother me unduly.

Er, what? Why can't HE wash her pyjamas when he is responsible for them getting so dirty? How was this "helping" the OP? The parenting and housework isn't the OP's responsibility for her husband to merely "help" with.

It's not to do with how they look. It is to do with basic care and cleanliness. Hair and teeth need to be brushed. It's a bit sad that people have such low standards particularly of men.

The hair and teeth would bother me (a lot!) but ds11 has a few pjs that are plain coloured so could be tracksuit bottoms and that he finds nicer because they’re light in summer. If they’re patterned or it was cold, I’d be really irritated though!

I couldn't get worked up about the pyjamas. HOWEVER...

He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings

Are you saying that this is the ONLY time he looks after her on his own?!! This definitely has to change, or he'll turn into a Disney dad. He needs lots of practice...

You and everyone else is allowed to be disappointed or annoyed or whatever but ultimately the choice is the same, either let them have their own relationship, or become the default parent and sort everything out your own way.

Regular practice? To know that a child needs to have their teeth cleaned every day before going out?

Come on now, there's giving the benefit of the doubt and there's just plain old infantilising of men.

No it wouldn't be an issue at all for me, she can come home jump I'm the Bath and think about the fun she had.

Well if he hasn't had regular practice from day 1 then maybe that's to be expected. You can either encourage their relationship and accept that you're not in charge all the time or you can be the expert at everything and run yourself into the ground.

Have you met men tho?
They are grim.
I had an ex who wore the same boxers 3 days a go. Used to turn them inside put to get more wear... And he was a medical student from a middle class family.. and he's not some outlier is he?
Can you honestly not see that many men just don't have the same standards of appearance that women do.. and that might translate to how they'd get their kids ready if doing it their way.
So it's not that they are 'choosing not to' it's genuinely that it just doesn't occur to them.

Not saying they shouldn't be told that it's important.. but to act like it's something they've done on purpose and you should get angry with them about... I think is a waste of time.

He is probably helping OP, because now OP only has pyjamas to wash?
Give me strength. Where to even start with this.
Yes he should have brushed her teeth and hair, and got her dressed. It's the basics.

Would she really be pulled up on it?? By who? Have a look at 2 year olds you see out and about.. can you honestly tell if they are in PJs or not or if they had their hair brushed?

But brushing your child's hair, getting them dressed and cleaning their teeth is hardly setting the bar so high.

It's all basic stuff.

ghetto? Care to elaborate?

Let it go for now. Next weekend just say "can you please get her dressed tomorrow morning. And make sure her teeth are cleaned."

I also write a very clear list.

My husband is also a bit addled but if the child is safe warm and fed you kinda have to go with it. I can't be turning it into a feminist resistance every time he's a bit useless or I'd have to divorce him.

Are you daft?

Clearly op doesn't do the same as her husband.... because it's not acceptable and she'd be pulled up on it if she did.

So why is it ok for her husband to do it?

My husband was good at ensuring they were all washed but used to leave the choice of clothing up to them. One time he told my dd to put on her pants, so she put them all on and a skirt and leggings and left the house with about 10 pairs of pants on. Not noticed til I got home from work. They were all clean though!

He should want the best for his child though shouldn't he?

I'm sure if op and her husband shared a car ( men love a car analogy ) and he kept is ship shape, tank always full, gleaming exterior and tidy interior but op decided to not bother with any of that he would find it disrespectful.

Allowing his daughter to go out in a state with unbrushed hair and dirty teeth is like telling op he has no respect for the amount of effort she puts in on a daily basis for their DD.

It's not all about fun, children learn by us creating habits for them, building up their self respect by teaching them self care and standards that are acceptable.
Each parent can do this in different ways but that's not what he has done, he didn't do any of that because apparently it's not his job?

Fuck that.

Why not just leave her in her pyjamas and don't brush her teeth and hair everyday, OP?

If it's fine for him to do it, it's surely fine for you to do it too.

‘What would happen’🤣 at no point has op said that she does the same so this is just neurotic!

C’mon, Seeing a grown man in a pair of PJ’s would get far more raised eyebrows than a 2 year old!🤣 a lot of 2 years olds still wear rompers etc. Dad in a romper would be noticed far more than a toddler?

My husband was gone all the time.
When it was his turn to dress or bathe or do anything for the kids, it was,
”Can you show me what to do?”
He was still saying that when they were 8 & 10.

Exactly this!!
Mothers tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves because they feel constantly guilty and also like they are constantly being watched and judged.
I certainly do.. if my child looks feral out abd about I feel shame. Even if I know they left the house immaculate..
But children will end up looking a mess, their hair will look un brushed within ten mins at a trampoline park anyway.. their clothes will get dirty anyway...
I think sometimes I certainly feel resentment towards my DH because the shame simply doesn't register on him. He's not under the same societal pressure.
He would just be proud of himself for getting the kids out of the house and them having a good time.
And maybe that's a better place to be.
Coz really it does NOT matter if your 2yo wore PJs to the trampoline Park and it would be nice as a mother not to give a shit about that.
The fact that I would is not actually the fault of my DH and I don't think it's helpful to try and make him feel the same levels of bullshit guilt that I do.

I first thought you meant i.e. on the trampoline in the garden but absolutely YANBU. He would know that you usually go out in something other than pyjamas (🤨) and teeth need brushing. Pulling on a tshirt and pair of leggings for instance and brushing teeth would take only a few minutes, and hair not ideal if not brushed but if had clean fresh clothes (not pyjamas) and teeth brushed you could look past it but he chose not to do any of it - he wouldn't do it himself so cannot claim he would / did not know. And if he genuinely didn't know that his child needs clean clothes and teeth that says a lot too...

To be honest, when DD was 2 I sometimes got confused about what clothes were and weren't pyjamas. I mean, one top with colourful animals looks much like another!

Not brushing her teeth or hair is fairly shit though.

I’m not angry. I don’t know this man. I think your excuses for him are ridiculous though. He should recognise his own child’s pyjamas seeing as he got up with her. And he has teeth. He knows they need cleaning.