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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH hasn't been interested in getting intimate since we had the baby.

37 replies

Summermum30 · 30/06/2024 17:55

Hi everyone,

I could really use some advice. My son just turned one, and since he’s been sleeping in his own room, I thought my husband and I might have more time for intimacy. However, it’s been tough for the last 18 months with pregnancy, breastfeeding, and everything else. My husband is a wonderful partner, really lively and loving, but lately, he’s been so busy with work. It feels like he’s lost interest in me physically. He still shows love in the ways he used to, just not physically like before we had our baby.

I’ve tried initiating a few times, but he hasn’t been responsive and makes excuses. We’ve talked about it a couple of times, but he doesn’t say much, just that he’s really tired after work and needs to sleep. He usually comes home, drinks a couple of beers, spends about an hour on his phone, and then goes to sleep.

I’m not sure what to do or who to talk to. If I don’t know what the issue is, how can I solve it? And he’s not opening up about it. Any advice on how to handle this or start a conversation that might lead to some answers?

Thanks so much for listening.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Summermum30 · 05/07/2024 09:39

Thanks, everyone, for the great advice and for giving me a bit of reassurance as well! I can honestly say we had a good chat and I ended up having a lovely time last night, feeling really happy. 😊 Fingers crossed 🤞 it all keeps going this way and his fire doesn't die down! 🔥

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 18:56

It’s definitely worth a chat OP, I had my baby 11 weeks ago now and other than the first 6 weeks (episiotomy) we have been intimate. It’s an important part of our relationship and I would really miss it so I do really feel for you x

Katemax82 · 04/07/2024 18:32

RobertaFirmino · 30/06/2024 18:46

He's either too knackered or scared of you getting pregnant again. Either is understandable.

This. Also men struggle with post natal depression too, my husband certainly did

CollsR · 04/07/2024 17:50

@Summermum30 I don’t think you’re overthinking it. And if you are, you are allowed to overthink this.

Men can be stupid. They tend to have a single track mind & finish task 1, then do task 2. When things are busy and tiring, they don’t easily get hints. Think about what you’d like and directly tell him or just do it. Hold his hand in bed. Tell him I know you’re too tired for sex, but I’m feeling disconnected from you and need some affection. Can you give me a two minute back massage and I’ll return the favour tomorrow. Little bit of effort from you both will give good rewards later.

Even just little kisses on the cheek.

Original poster
Summermum30 · 04/07/2024 14:59

@CollsR Thanks for your comment! I totally agree that small things like touching and caressing feel so lovely and reassuring—it's nice to feel wanted and attractive, isn't it? I'm just thinking it might be a phase and will be over soon. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

OP posts:
CollsR · 03/07/2024 22:13

I’ve just had a baby & we had no sex for a couple weeks before birth. My partner works 11 hours, 6 days a week: We are both tired but he holds my hand sometimes in bed as we go to sleep, or hugs me from behind and kisses my cheek. Those gestures mean so much.

He also tells me I’m sexy (often when my boobs are out for breastfeeding). There is a lot beside sex that can make a woman feel attractive & desirable. Helps as otherwise it can feel like roommates.

Talk about doing some of that.

Hugesunflower · 01/07/2024 12:37

Summermum30 · 30/06/2024 18:50

@Hugesunflower He’s not drinking every night. He used to drink on weekends with mates , but yes, his drinking has increased. However, I wouldn’t say it’s troublesome. He usually drinks a couple of pints maybe twice a week

Doesn’t sounds like that’s the cause then.

Sounds like he is really tired. Could it be just parent of small child tired or maybe he see the GP.

Original poster
Summermum30 · 01/07/2024 08:27

Just wanted to say a massive thanks for all the advice and support—it really means a lot. Normally, he's the one who initiates intimacy, but now it's me trying to make the first move. Sometimes I worry about coming off as too desperate or forward since I've always been a bit reserved. I’m thinking of having another heart-to-heart with him. As for the involvement of porn, I can't completely rule it out. Deep down, I feel if that's the issue, it's minor and something we can overcome.

OP posts:
TotHappy · 30/06/2024 23:44

I honestly think my DH just can't be bothered. He really struggles with the children, meeting their needs, balancing their emotions. Then when night comes he doesn't want to have to think about me or make any effort. And the longer we go without the more effort he feels he'd have to make (which is true - at this point I'm not up for a quickie! It's a 3 hour session or at LEAST one daily quickie to top me up!)

Original poster
Summermum30 · 30/06/2024 23:27

@TotHappy Exactly, that’s just what I’m going through. I keep wondering if I’m not attractive anymore, even though I’m the same girl he used to be all over.

OP posts:
TotHappy · 30/06/2024 23:15

Me too, OP. Started going off it when I was pregnant with my first, I think he was worried. Long dry spell after the second. Had my third 16 months ago and not a sniff at a shag. He says it's because he's so afraid of another baby (third an accident) but he wouldn't while I was pregnant either so not sure I think that's the whole story.

I think the tiredness is a true reason but I also think there's more to it - presumably I'm not as attractive as I was. Makes you feel like you've just been used for children though doesn't it.

Original poster
Summermum30 · 30/06/2024 23:09

Thanks for your comments. Just as I’m typing this, he’s nodded off already, leaving a peck on my cheek, no hard feelings at all. This has been the routine for a while. I even mentioned our honeymoon to try and rekindle things, but all I got was the typical “we really need a holiday” reply.

OP posts:
CollsR · 30/06/2024 22:35

You 100% have to talk about this. Saying “I’m just tired” is not a conversation. Let him know you aren’t ready for that part of your relationship to be over forever. What does he think will help him be more in the mood? What helps him feel the mood? Sexy texts during the day. Mentioning when he gets home you’d like romance later. You can start to do 5 min massages of each other. It helps with connecting.

Perhaps let him know you can wait for sex until he’s in the mood but let him know what you need to feel better… lots of cuddles in bed, his telling you your attractive. Ask him what outfit of yours he likes best, talk about sexy things you’ve done in the past.

freshbluesnow · 30/06/2024 22:34

Was he at the birth? Some men can't cope with witnessing that and go off sex.

savethatkitty · 30/06/2024 22:31

It's a tough one. Some men just don't view their wives in the same way after having a baby aka your a mum now, not a sex goddess (although, ofcourse you are and can be both!).

You need to have an open, honest chat. Sex isn't the be all & end all in a relationship (but by golly, by jeez, by jingo, its FUN) however, it's a great way to feel connected etc.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/06/2024 22:24

There isn't much you can do until he starts being honest. I'd sit him down again, at a weekend when the baby is napping and say you know it's uncomfortable for him to talk about but you also know that there is more to it, and that when he doesn't provide any proper explanations then it's really hurtful and your mind will start coming up with its own conclusions. He can't be too tired all the time. Something else has changed and you deserve to understand why, even if its something hurtful. Hopefully he has enough respect for you and your relationship to tell you the truth

Staplerandstappler · 30/06/2024 22:18

No guarantees but I suspect he’s probably just absolutely knackered and out of the habit if it’s been a while. I don’t think the drinking sounds problematic but it won’t help with the tiredness. You need to have a conversation to get to the bottom of it.

cupcaske123 · 30/06/2024 22:14

OP you say he gets home from work then after some beers and an hour on his phone goes to bed. What time does he get home from work?

A baby is exhausting and it sounds like he works very long hours. Sometimes you can just fall out of the habit. Have either of you tried reconnecting? Meaningful conversation, hugging, hand holding, kissing, intimacy.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 30/06/2024 22:04

Can you not ask him why he won't shag you?

He's your husband if you can't pin him down and force it out of him then there's a lot more wrong.

Original poster
Summermum30 · 30/06/2024 22:00

I’m really hoping this is just a dry spell, just a phase. I’m not sure how I’ve managed both emotionally and financially over the last two years. I’ve put so much into having a baby and, in the process, I’ve really sacrificed my career.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/06/2024 21:53

Sapphire387 · 30/06/2024 19:31

He's your husband, you need to be able to sit down with him and talk honestly and openly about this. No more 'I'm just tired' from him. It's soul-destroying when your partner doesn't appear to want to have sex with you. Either you work through it together or the relationship is doomed.

Isnt being tired a legitimate reason?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/06/2024 21:52

I actually think it's not uncommon. You're both knackered, no time for yourselves etc etc.

I think relationships have dry periods and after a baby is one of those times.

theeyeofdoe · 30/06/2024 21:49

I would go out for the night with your friends , have a bit of space.

EmBear91 · 30/06/2024 21:42

I hate to say it, but could it be an affair? I only say this because you mention him being on his phone all evening (alongside rejecting your advances).

Sapphire387 · 30/06/2024 19:31

He's your husband, you need to be able to sit down with him and talk honestly and openly about this. No more 'I'm just tired' from him. It's soul-destroying when your partner doesn't appear to want to have sex with you. Either you work through it together or the relationship is doomed.