To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

Sadly agree. Please help her OP! Her dad isn’t doing his job

.......................and her dad is always at work or freaking out with his immature friends

WTF?

OP you sound grounded, and you're clearly concerned for this girl.

Your husband sounds like a nasty, immature, abusive POS on the other hand.

Can you get away from him? It doesn't sound like you even respect him, never mind love him.

And the way he's treating his daughter is appalling.

You sound like a good caring stepmum.

Her behaviour sounds like something is very wrong at her mums house. As pp suggested can you take her out of your home to talk, park or country walk, get a coffee or hot choc, somewhere quiet? If you want to be there and support her, tell her so.

I feel sorry for her, she sounds like a good kid and she really must be getting the vi e from her dad that she's not wanted there, nor at her mums/stepdaughter either. Poor girl.

The way she is acting isn't normal "teenage" behaviour. However, your partner might feel there is little he can do. Him saying "its the law" is true - he has no more power to not send her back to her mums than if it was the other way round. He might be getting defensive because of that. However, there are things he can do. One is (as others suggested) he talks to her in a calm way when it isn't time for her to go home. Sometime when there isn't any pressure on either of them - while in the car is good for this. I too think SA is possible (it could be other stuff too) - but I wouldn't go suggesting that to her or even necessarily him. You don't want to be left wondering if she is just repeating what was suggested (or leave it open to others arguing that). Whatever the reason is - its better it comes from her. At her age she can have more influence over where she lives. But there is a risk you get accused of "parental alienation" so be careful how you move.

I'd be concerned she's being molested by one of the non-biologically related males she lives with. Someone must be awfully wrong at home such that she would prefer to live with a nasty bastard who screams at her and dismisses her distress out of hand no doubt because actually addressing it would cause inconvenience for him.

I hope you're not planning to bring any progeny into this union, @Blasianwoman. You've had a bird's eye view of how he treats the kid he's already got so no need for you to spread the misery still further. Are you a lot younger than him?

Reading this makes me tense up because it brought back so vividly that desperation to stay at my dad’s and not have to go to my mum’s. My stepdad was never physically abusive so I don’t think I could have put it into words at the time why I didn’t want to go there; it’s only really afterwards I’ve recognised that he (and my mum to some extent) were emotionally abusive and that being forced to be there caused a lot of long term harm. The fact that she’s acting so very desperate is a huge red flag and I’m glad you’re picking up on it even though her dad doesn’t seem to be.

This is so awful. She is so lucky to have you 🙏 If it were me, I'd do everything I could do maintain connection. I wish you could lose the husband and care for SD yourself.

It might not be physical/ sexual abuse but it could just be emotional hell. They're possibly narcissist/ sociopathic at best.

Your husband is a major problem here OP. You should not be with someone like this

Are you quite young @Blasianwoman ?
I wonder if this happened before you moved in and if it’s having a female that she gets on well with. Someone who is more of a friend than a parent figure?

If you are genuinely concerned that she is living in an abusive situation then maybe approach her school with your concerns.
Your DP sounds awful.

This makes me feel so uneasy. A stepdad and two older boys in the home, coupled with her behaviour, makes me very concerned. When things are calm between you and her dad can you try and get him to consider any alternative scenarios to just her being ‘manipulative’?

Can you speak to the safeguarding lead at the school?
Seems she is desperate not to go back to her mum's house, whatever the reason is, she needs to be able to talk about it, maybe someone neutral via the school might be best?

@Blasianwoman I would involve social services

also, please consider leaving your partner, he is a vile abusive man

Poor girl, both her parents sounds awful.

No it's not normal and I feel so sorry having been there. Luckily my dad let me move in with him. At 14 court would listen to her wishes now and if she wanted to live with her father that would be granted.

Your partner is vile and a truly shit dad. How you can stay with him I have no idea.

That aside, keep trying with SD to get her to open up. Could you ask her if something happened at home? It could "just" be her step dad is really shouty or she clashes with her step siblings. It doesn't necessarily mean abuse. Until she starts talking, you're none the wiser.

But she's repeatedly mentioning the stepfather being the problem. Something's going on.

Your DH sounds like a dick, it is not normal behaviour, yes teenagers can be manipulative but this sounds like there is something going on at her mums.

you need a calm conversation with your DH, tell him it is not normal and if he thinks you should but out then he needs to be the one who spends time with her not you as she’s nothing to do with you, as he says. No teenagers get on their knees clinging and screaming not to go home for no reason.

As for SDD I’d be contacting social services and reporting your concerns if your dh dosnt wake up. They can do the right checks. Maybe contact her school too. In fact school first, they will have a relationship with her and can ask the right questions.

Something is very badly wrong here - that poor girl. And her father is abusive too - screaming at her when she's clearly distressed.

that was my first thought too

I think the fact she cries and says she doesn't want to talk about it is concerning. If she was manipulative or making things up she'd say more. I feel she's hiding something.

And your partner is leaving the parenting to you while he goes out with his mates. Awful! This all makes me feel very sad.

The two older boys stood out for me. This really can't be ignored any longer.

Most likely abuse, either the stepfather or his older boys.

I can't believe he's screaming at her!! What a bizarre response. If I was her dad I'd be very concerned and wanting to get to the bottom of it.
Instead he's dismissing her, screaming at her, saying she's a brat etc. Why?! Because he doesn't want her moving in?
Perhaps she's being sexually or physically abused or neglected. I have a DD that age and it's not normal. Something is going on.