To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

The biggest red flag for you right now is your DH.

He knows there's something wrong, but he's pretending there isn't because he doesn't want to take full time responsibility for his daughter. It's not the law. If a 14 yo said in court that they wish to live with their father, the court would accept that with very little further explanation required. It would cost a matter of a couple of hundred quid.

He doesn't want her, and she knows that, and he doesn't care to even try to find out if she's safe or not.

This is not a good father or a good man.

I'd suggest to her that she tells someone at school.

You have potentially saved that girl from god knows what. Well done OP. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it and help her.

It does. It lives with you for a long time too. Spent half my life fucking up and only really got my shit together in my forties.

That poor kid needs help now if that's what's happening.

Omg… is this real??

If so, well done for being a caring person and looking out for SD. You’re doing the right thing.

Let us know once you get to the bottom of it, I’m invested.

I told him, I'd be alerting authorities.

Follow through on this. Your partner doesn’t have the skills to help his daughter and you don’t have the authority.

Great that she can stay for another week. When she's calmer, that could be a helpful way to show her that you are taking her seriously and listening to her. You might need that to help her understand that this arrangement can't carry on without understanding the situation better.

Poor girl. Sounds like neither parent want her 🥲

That doesn't sound normal and I'd be worried what's going on at Mum's to elicit such a distressed reaction from DSD.

Bit rubbish that your DH is being so dismissive about it.

Edited to add that I don't like the situation with the stepdad at all.

He simply told me " OK you will have to take care of her, and you can't leave me." It's a temporary solution, but I am happy to do it. And then that pig tried to have sex with me.

He really is a pig isn't he. He doesn't care about his daughter's well being as long as he doesn't have to look after her.

After you've made sure this young girl has a safe and secure home environment I'd think about leaving yourself.

Awful situation OP your partner needs locking up. I’m a step-mum and there’s no way my DH would’ve ignored his DC saying things like this and I would’ve left him if he did. Call the school and report.

Thank you for caring. I hope your SD will open up to you. And you’re not dumb for starting a relationship with him. He doesn’t sound like a good father, but that’s on him, not you. You’re probably only now seeing the real him.

OP it’s not your child but it is your home. And you have a relationship with this child. You absolutely get to have a say about how she is parented under your roof. When we took my SD in I was very clear with my OP that even though her mother endorses smacking, there would be no smacking in our house. The same goes for screaming at her. You need to tell your DH that he is being a poor parent by not investigating further why she wants to stay with you.

Be there for this poor girl, come what may. Whilst you're not a parent, you can still have compassion and understanding towards someone who you are in a parenting role with.
Whilst teenagers can be a nightmare, they equally can display concerning behaviour because something is wrong that they can't articulate any other way.
Sounds like your other half trusts you to mother her when he wants to be off doing other things but not when it doesn't suit him!
Could you suggest she spends more time with you over the summer holidays?
I think you also need to reconsider your relationship with this guy, as he doesn't sound very nice. Also, possibly contacting school/SS/safeguarding about this lass. Let her know you are there no matter what.

I would say this sounds worrying as well. From what you’ve said, your partner isn’t exactly father of the year so there is obviously something at her mother’s house that is causing distress rather than a particular desire to see her father.

You also need to be a bit careful here. Be careful about tying yourself to your partner as he sounds shit but also be very conscious that if you split you will likely have no more access to the 14yo. That is not a reason to be tied to him but I’d want to know what was happening to the poor girl as no-one else seemingly cares.

Even if there was no abuse, going from your house back into a house with 7 other people - including 5 half or step siblings - sounds absolutely chaotic unless it is very well run and organised / they are very rich with lots of space. I would have hated to share a room at that age with a step/half sibling whom I didn’t get on with.

We currently have guests staying so we are 8 people in our large 7 bed house with 3 bathrooms. I can’t imagine this being a normal number of people to live with day in day out. How much room is there for them all?

your poor step daughter.

Go with your gut. Be there for her. Perhaps she’ll open up to you privately for support in time if you keep showing her you can be trusted and you’re there. Something is not right at home this is not normal teen or not. Very concerning

I would also recommend telling the school.

They might well have already noticed differing behaviour patterns in her. They won't tell you if they already have concerns but they won't think you're overstepping if you mention it to them.

You'd be doing the right thing. Safeguarding is all about building a picture. You might hold a piece that is currently missing for them.

Spot on!

Sorry but it's concerning that your partner hears her child that much in distress and hears that she doesn't like this stepdad and he isn't concerned? I would be making sure I got to be bottom of it in case anything was going on.

Unfortunately it happened to a "friends" daughter of mine, they just didn't listen to her. Turns out she was being majorly abused by the stepdad. Not saying that is this situation but they should have listened to her when she begged them

OK.

I would wonder what is going on in the family dynamic at her mum's.

She may not have the words to identify and express her emotions which is why it comes out in the way it does.

I also hope it's not the case but a friend of mine's daughter was abused by her mum's partner's teenage son. She was younger than your SD when it happened and was removed from her mother's care by SS.

Sadly, it happens.

Whatever it is, there's a very real reason your SD doesn't want to go back to her mum's and that needs to be explored properly.

Just read all the post updates, thank God that this poor girl has you, it sounds as if some horrible stuff is going on at her mum's home which needs to be investigated immediately and it is not right that it should all fall on the shoulders of the OP. The dad should be moving heaven and earth to find out what is causing this child so much distress. Give her the space to talk her way through her home life, use open questions "can you tell me how the week goes for you at home?" might be a way begin the conversation. I wish you could just scoop her up and the two of you could start a life together in peace, she sounds like a sweet girl who deserves better .

I would reiterate the suggestion to contact the school. If there is something going on, they will have the right connections to get things put in place to help.

If you think she might be worried about saying something by phone in case it's seen, then maybe you could offer her a cheap and cheerful 2nd mobile, that she could use to contact you without others knowing.
But do protect yourself: save your messages so it's clear you're not sending her anything you shouldn't be