To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

Well done OP.

This is going to be really difficult. Get support from everywhere that you can - school is a very good first start. Their website should say who the safeguarding lead is.

I think you know that it’s not as simple as “leave and take her with you”, as some posters have suggested, because you have no legal relationship to her. So while I’d love to tell you to leave him, for the moment it might be better to stay, to protect her. But stay safe and if the relationship takes a turn, ring the police immediately.

I would speak to social services and ask if I could foster her - with both of you living nowhere near her parents. It sounds as though she would happily agree to it.

Your partner is awful and you are his daughter's lifeline. Don't let her down.

Well done for looking out for her op.

Both her parents sound shit.

This too for me. Hope it’s not but very much agree that sitting down with her and giving her time to talk is essential. Perhaps on your own if she’d be more comfortable than talking in front of her dad. Screaming at her really isn’t helpful or acceptable. You sound very thoughtful and tuned in.

Frankly both her parents are making a poor job of this, her DM has a houseful that leaves no space or time for her DD but your DH is worse, he could make his DDs life much easier but he can't be bothered. I'd be seeing him in a very negative light Op, he's only willing to keep her at your house if you do everything and now he expects sex as a rrward for being useless.

Please report it to her school/social services, even if she is staying with you another week. This isn't normal behaviour. Something is clearly not right.

Also, her father's reaction isn't great either. He doesn't want to know because he doesn't want to do right by his own daughter if it means he'll have to raise her going forward. Very sad.

Not normal AT ALL. My DSD is grown now. But like yours was a polite, loving and respectful child. If she had done this at 14, she’d have been staying with me until we could get to the bottom of it and frankly her Dad could fuck off. I’m not a mother either, but I know when something is seriously amiss.

Good for you, OP, o hope that you’re able to get to the bottom of this during the extra time.

But, you need to end your crappy relationship with her Dad and find someone better. Do you know any other family members on his side who could also advocate for her? An auntie perhaps? If he’s 47, I’m assuming that her grandparents are 70+ and may not be able to help her
( or perhaps they can if they’re in good health).

It's a pity you can't leave him and take her with you.

You are very right to be concerned and I'm glad she has you

But what the hell are you doing with this excuse for a man/parent?

And PLEASE don't get pregnant.

This child is in a house full of men and boys who are not related to her. She is hysterical and is begging not to go back? She could be being abused.

Wow this is so dysfunctional, both her parents sound awful, and he is being awful to you too.

You're doing the absolute right thing helping the girl. But please don't get trapped in a bad relationship by it. If you split up, could you remain a supportive figure in her life? You're right to think about telling outside authorities, this is quite extreme behaviour and I'd suspect that she's being abused and her father is ignoring it.

The only difference I can think of is that , at her mum's there are 5 other siblings and their bio dad. I know she doesn't get along with her stepfather.

The only difference? Well there's your answer right there. If I were your step daughter I'd be begging to stay with you and her father as well.

Thanks for looking out for this girl @Blasianwoman . Something is definitely wrong here.

No safeguarding issue? Not sure your confidence is warranted @Direstraightsagain

I'm interested to know how you know there's no safeguarding issue?

They are amazing at 14. They really switch it on. You can feel like the worst person in the world. But ultimately it’s up to her dad and mum. There’s no safeguarding issue . Perhaps she likes the peace and quiet at yours sometimes but that isn’t a reason to get involved. Perhaps she makes the same fuss when she has to come to you but you don’t know it. I’d more likely investigate counselling incase it’s linked to the divorce and having ‘ 2 homes’ I don’t think she can stay at yours if that isn’t the custody arrangement

Not the same thing but when I was young I had stomach migraine (50 years ago so understood even less than it is today). The GP’s told my parents I was making it up, pretending to be ill. My mum felt they were wrong as “you know your own child” whereas my dad believed that I’d the Dr said it then they must be right. He used to get extremely frustrated when I was unwell, shout at me and tell me I was upsetting the whole family with my nonsense. I later discovered that he had told my mum he would take me out of school for a long holiday or get me anything I wanted if it would make me better. He just didn’t know how to cope with something he didn’t understand. If your dsd is just saying that there’s no real reason other than not liking her stepdad he might feel he has to return her to her mother and just feel she is being difficult rather than reading between the lines.

Could you take her out for the day next time she is with you. Do you drive? I find my boys tell me quite a lot when we are in the car together. A walk and picnic on the beach, park or forest, whatever you have in reach and see if she talks. You could speak to her school but as you don’t have parental responsibility, they may be able to listen but won’t communicate with you and might want to inform her parents which might open a whole new can of worms.

My dsd grew up in an abusive household and we knew nothing about it at the time. Dh still doesn’t know most of it because she chooses not to tell him and she’s a mother herself now.

@Blasianwoman Yes I am dumb. I know.

You're definitely not!! You're trying to help a child.

Absolute worst case scenario - SD has been manipulating everyone (but I very much doubt it). You find out what's true and no harm done.

Or, SD hasn't been manipulating everyone and you've been there to help, thank God! You find out what's true and further harm can be prevented.

(Separate issue: either way, you've also learned something very unpleasant about your partner )

Quietly phone the school, OP and let them know. Tell them you're step mum, tell them what's happening re: SD not wanting to go home, not talking about it other than to say it's about step dad. School will do the rest.

You're not dumb at all. You're a very caring person who has been groomed by a much older man since childhood. And he's now blackmailing you into caring for his daughter.

You're obviously in a difficult, abusive relationship.

Is there somewhere safe you can go to?

You DH sounds worse with every post. He's known you since you were a child? Telling you that you can't leave him? I think you know what you have to do, not just for this poor kid.

No, you're not.
At least you haven't added another child to this mess.
You can get yourself out of it, and help your SD.

Keep posting.