To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

I’m so sorry for you both, OP and so glad she feels safe to tell you. I echo PPs that she obviously trusts you so it would be much better if she would agree with you to speak to a professional rather than you doing it without telling her. Childline may be able to give you anonymous advice on which agency to approach first - school, police, SS. As PPs have said though, something has to be done, for her and her siblings.

If your partner is happy for her to stay with you full-time for now, you and she don’t need to make an immediate decision on whether you can ‘keep her’ as it’s likely she would be placed by preference with her father. If you were to consider leaving your partner, I’m guessing that wouldn’t be an instant decision, so for now she would be safe living with you.

Depending on how your relationship works out, and what happens with her Dad’s attitude to it all, it might be possible for you to achieve a private fostering arrangement with her (I don’t know much about this area), but that’s something for the future. The key at the moment is to reassure her that she is safe with you, that she can tell you anything (which she clearly feels she can) and that her half-siblings will be safe too.

She’s very lucky to have you. It’s a lot on your strong shoulders but believe me, you’ll be having a huge impact on her quality of life and her young siblings.

Well you actually can, if she's ðeemed unsafe SS will try to give guardianship to a family member first. As your married, that includes you.

I'd be locking your husband out. He's not a father.....

It sounds as if her father doesn't want her full time and is also abusive, from what you have written. It also sounds as if you do all the parenting when she stays with him. However, he will still be the first port of call when she is removed from her mother, as sounds likely.

You can tell her that professionals can help her and will listen to her and that you will do all you can to support but can't promise what that will be at the moment as you don't know

You can contact childline OP to get some professional advice.

Thank goodness SD has you OP. Both her parents are abusing her

SD needs to know that while she can trust you, some information cannot be kept secret and this needs to be taken to professionals who can help both her and her siblings. Basically, as an adult you can't not raise this.

I think the best course of action would be to support her in going to the police station.

That's a terrible update @Blasianwoman but as suspected, unfortunately, given how extreme her behaviour has been. She really should not go back to this environment. As I said before, you sound lovely and she obviously agrees or would not have taken you into her confidence. Personally, I would want to keep talking to her and talk her through options, whatever you think they are before contacting SS. I would want her to be on side in making the decision to contact them and I think it is likely that this could be achieved. If you speak to SS without her consent, it may just reinforce her strong impression that adults cannot be trusted. She has been let down so badly by both her parents that she will already feel like this, poor girl. I really feel for both of you.

OP, kindly, yes you do. You need to get SS involved now. If not for your SD, for her little siblings who are undoubtedly at equal if not more risk given their ages. Please protect them.

I don’t know where to start. She’s sent to her (shared) room at 7pm and has to stay there? I worked with someone whose mother did this to her when she was a teenager and it had lifelong impact : that alone is abuse.

oh my gosh she has as good as admitted that she and probably her younger siblings are being abused by stepdad and step brother

ss definitely needs to be involved

14 isn't that far off 16, and I defy anybody to stop a 16 year old from keeping in touch with anybody they want to. They might manage to stop her from physically seeing you but text/phone/email etc are all chanels she can reach you through. Make it clear to her that you are always open for her, and if you can get her to memorise your phone number and email so much the better.

Absolutely not!!! She trusts the op as far as we can see. Getting school involved would likely make her clam up!!!!!

If she discloses anything, you talk her through options. The minute you tell school anything that's safeguarding SS get involved and it gets messy. Personally I'd go direct to police and then talk to the school.

@Direstraightsagain are you serious? There’s no safeguarding issue? How can you possibly know? Two of my closest relatives were sexually abused by someone within the family. It didn’t come out until they were in their late teens. If someone had bothered to ask the question when they were 14, it would have stopped things sooner. Too late to stop the abuse, but at least they would have been safe before they felt forced to leave home as soon as they could at 16. I won’t talk about the detail of the mental health issues they’ve been through and how close one of them has come to not being here, but if you’d seen the damage it does, you wouldn’t be so dismissive. Thank goodness OP’s SD has one adult who’s looking out for her.

OP, edited to say I’ve read your updates and you’re amazing.

OP, your update is great news.

I would urge you to speak with her school regardless of what she tells you. They will have professionals there who are trained and experienced in supporting teens through all manner of things. It's not betraying her or her family, it's just adding an extra string to the support bow and keeping them informed.

I'm so glad to read your update. Can you take her out alone, Starbucks drive through or whatever and be gentle but firm, you need to know whats going on. She clearly trusts you.

If she discloses anything....well that's going be a whole new thread.

I have been that child, I'd rather have stayed with my bio dad who SA at me at 8yrs old, but was now married with kids (but saw stepmum more than him) than go home to my stepdad who was beating me.

As you have lived here for less than a year, it’s clear this young girl is finally getting some much-needed love care and attention that neither of her parents are providing.
Whatever is happening at her other home, something is not right. But you need support in finding out what, and how to deal with it.
It is very concerning how your partner is behaving. It seems you are there as a glorified babysitter and for his needs only. He will be 50 soon - please do not stay around this man any longer than you need to.
It may sound harsh but you are only 30 and have your own life to consider - if you want children of your own, you don’t want to look back on wasted years with this abusive partner.
But you can still be there for this young girl who needs you. Talk to her away from home. Contact someone at her school - they will be far better versed in dealing with these issues. In two or three years she will be of an age where she can perhaps move out.
However, this young girl is not your sole responsibility. Do your own DP know what’s going on and can give you some support.
If you known this man since childhood that’s very concerning. He is clearly very manipulative and has no idea how to be a decent partner or parent.
You already know how to be both. You can be of further support here, but you need help, and eventually your own life back.
When the time is right, you will be a fab mum, hopefully with an equal partner who can match you in every way.

I'm very uneasy about the update on the living situation. Two boys and a stepfather in her home situation that she isn't related to. I really hope by you being on her side, advocating for her to stay, she will trust you and explain her distress.

I think you know that it’s not as simple as “leave and take her with you”, as some posters have suggested, because you have no legal relationship to her.

Yes, @OnceICaughtACold , that’s why I’ve asked whether there are any other family members who could provide support. Also, it would be awful if the OP feels that she has to stay in her crappy relationship longterm. She’s in a difficult position.

I had a friend when I was younger whose only solid relationship with an adult was with her dad's ex wife. Her mum was dead and her dad was useless.

OP, you are more important in this situation than you know, even if it's only at the end of the phone.

Tell the school. It's important they get a full picture. A child like this is at serious risk over the long summer holidays.

Goodness it sounds like you're the only person this girl has in her life that cares for her, I'm not surprised she wants to stay with you. Who knows what goes on with the step father and the older brothers - the mother certainly doesn't seem to care. Thank god she has you to try to look out for her OP. What a shame your OH sounds like a complete arse.

You sound lovely @Blasianwoman - sensible, kind and strong. As you know, this is absolutely not normal and I would be very concerned about what is going on in her mum's household, even more so because her own father sounds awful too. The poor girl, with two awful sounding parents. I would keep trying to speak to your step DD and see if she will take you into her confidence in time.

On a separate topic, your partner sounds thoroughly immature and an awful father and partner. You deserve much, much better when you are ready to move on.

I think you need to be little bit careful telling the school without at least discussing this with her first, she currently trusts you and schools are not always terribly skilful about these things. Obviously you need help, if you do talk to the school without her permission then at least tell them to be discreet in terms of talking to her, but it might be better just to say to her that she’s so upset It must be affecting her at school and you’d like to be able to discuss that with someone so at least the pressure can come off a little bit.

So the reason he hasn't let her stay previously is because he doesn't want full custody if (when hopefully) you leave him. He gets worse every post. I doubt he'd actually stop you from seeing her if you did leave him, he'd still take advantage of the free childcare.