Page 3 | To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

Blasianwoman · 2024-06-30T14:14:50+00:00

Hi everyone, This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal. I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50. Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings. I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat" But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses. She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her. Is this typical for teenagers?

Original poster

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:53

@Blondeshavemorefun
I do want the responsibility. I have a good job, a great family who love her. There is a special bond between me and that lovely young girl. We both love writing, playing football and playing the piano and cooking. She calls my nephews/nieces her cousins. I have the resources, when she will be old enough, to take care of her.

She is a respectful , affectionate kid. Little miss loves sleeping in my bed and talking all night about different things. I am very talkative too :x

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/07/2024 14:45

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:05

Hi everyone,

So , my partner changed his mind and DSD is back with her mum. He also asked me to leave his house - which is no big deal, I have family and somewhere to go. He said " Either you leave my kid alone or you leave". So I left.

She has been texting me all day, sent me pics. So I will keep that as a proof. She is much more talkative now. Her main worry is that her sisters are going to be separated. Also, she doesn't feel comfortable with sharing room with boys ( I didn't know that beforehand, I assumed she was with her sisters)

I have been thinking about it non-stop. It's making me sick. DSD and I discussed getting help from a third party, and tbh even if she disagrees I will do it.

She asked me to adopt her, live with me, change her family name to mines. I explained to her that it is not feasible. She is upset, but I have no official relation with her.

And just 30mins ago, my partner is begging me to come back, that he was drunk when he told me to leave blablablablabla.

" Hey, I am so sorry about what I said to you. I love you. Always had. You know me. I love you and I am afraid DD is going to take up all your time and ruin our sexlife. I can give u ur own daughter our own baby girl so u don't have to play mummy. She has a mother pls. How would u feel if ur own kid preferred another woman???"

That's one of his text.

Wow

What a text to receive

I'm so sorry you have had to releise he's a dick

Ans a crap dad

Poor SD

when she is 16 she can tech leave home

I'm not sure if you want the responsibility of her but lesst she has you on her side

She sounds lovely

Sharing a room with opiate sex is wrong at her age

I do hope she hasn't been abused. It sounds like she has sadly

Please talk to the school or maybe rspcc /childlike to get advice

Original poster

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:40

@AliceMcK
Do SS let kids see family/friends etc... ?

Frankly, I'd rather her safe and have 0 contacg than her being in danger and be selfish because I love her and want to see her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:36

@Nanaof1
I want NO kids with him. If that's he treats his own daughter, what will he do if I have a daughter? I am not even "playing mummy" , I am just being present when he's out with his disgusting friends.

It's gross to think about your sex life when talking about your kids. Gross. I am not even attracted to him anymore. He makes me sick.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:33

I bought her another phone and new sim, so she can communicate with me. So she can freely talk ( Thanks to the person who suggested it). With that new number, she opened more, showed me the state of her bedroom, where she sleeps, what she does.

Luckily, I leave about 30mins drive from her. So we can go for a coffee ( She asked me if we could meet alone).

I am afraid I am going to make things worst. I want to contact the mother, I asked DSD to give me her number and surprisingly she did... But will I make things worst??

I decided not to contact her school, but the police directly. I am just waiting to get more proof. DD (kinda) gave me a hint that she would be at her dad's for summer holiday. So I am wondering if I should go back with him so I can spend the summer with her.

To be honest, he's never there anyway. Always with his stupid friends. I took her twice 5 DAYS with my family and he didn't call once.

OP posts:

Mumofoneandone · 02/07/2024 14:21

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:05

Hi everyone,

So , my partner changed his mind and DSD is back with her mum. He also asked me to leave his house - which is no big deal, I have family and somewhere to go. He said " Either you leave my kid alone or you leave". So I left.

She has been texting me all day, sent me pics. So I will keep that as a proof. She is much more talkative now. Her main worry is that her sisters are going to be separated. Also, she doesn't feel comfortable with sharing room with boys ( I didn't know that beforehand, I assumed she was with her sisters)

I have been thinking about it non-stop. It's making me sick. DSD and I discussed getting help from a third party, and tbh even if she disagrees I will do it.

She asked me to adopt her, live with me, change her family name to mines. I explained to her that it is not feasible. She is upset, but I have no official relation with her.

And just 30mins ago, my partner is begging me to come back, that he was drunk when he told me to leave blablablablabla.

" Hey, I am so sorry about what I said to you. I love you. Always had. You know me. I love you and I am afraid DD is going to take up all your time and ruin our sexlife. I can give u ur own daughter our own baby girl so u don't have to play mummy. She has a mother pls. How would u feel if ur own kid preferred another woman???"

That's one of his text.

Absolutely get SS involved - totally inappropriate for her to be sharing a room with step brothers with the ages involved. Keep up the lines of communication with you DSD - there is likely to be fall out from this one (from the parents) because she is speaking out. She needs you to advocate for her tho.......

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 14:21

Op I want to add. I grew up knowing many horror starriest of abused children being put into care and having an even worse time, one of my parents worked in the system so the thought of a child in foster care scared me. But times have definitely changed, not completely but safeguarding is far better. I know a number of children right now who are flourishing in foster care, including siblings being kept together. I would absolutely risk a child I loved being given a chance for a better life than what you have described as their current home life.

Nanaof1 · 02/07/2024 14:20

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 14:16

Omg I can’t stand this word but what a fucking cunt! Sorry op he really is. He cares more about getting his end away than his child.

please do everything you can to get the schools and social services onto this.

just be careful your not done for being too involved with your sdd especially now he’s thrown you out.

p.s my response would be, so your happy to leave the child you have in a dangerous home for god knows what to happen, just so you don’t loose your sex life. And you think I’d actually have a child with a man who could be so cruel to his existing child. What kind of man leaves his daughter like that. I will not only be reporting both her mothers home, the fact your child is terrified of going there, that a teenage girl is being forced to share a room with two men but what an abusive cunt you are to her too!

but that’s me 🤷‍♀️

What you posted is what NEEDS to be done to protect that teen. Neither she nor her siblings, deserve to live like this.

ArtfulDenimSheep · 02/07/2024 14:20

I'm horrified to hear that DSD is back with her Mum. As for her having to share a room with the boys, I may be wrong but I think that is actually illegal for a girl over the age of 10 years old to share a bedroom with brothers. This is very worrying, especially if they are older than her. Why can't she share with her sisters? This is all very worrying
It must be awful for a girl of her age to share a bedroom with older brothers.I really think that you would be better off without him too. He sounds like a right waste of space. I grew up in an environment like this and it has long and lasting adverse effects on me that I still struggle with. It may even be too late for your step daughter. There may not be much you can do about it with not being her biological Mum. But surely if it is illegal for a girl of that age to be sharing her bedroom with older brothers that could be flagged up to social services.

pandasorous · 02/07/2024 14:20

@Blasianwoman just ignore your ex. he is a disgusting pig.

if and when you involve ss, you could potentially foster sd if that's what you want. personally I would keep channels of communication open with sd and hopefully engage with school/ss with her consent.

keep the msgs from ex as proof of his negligence.

you are doing something really important and brave.

rhianfitz · 02/07/2024 14:19

That poor girl. You're doing the right thing for her and her siblings

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 14:16

Omg I can’t stand this word but what a fucking cunt! Sorry op he really is. He cares more about getting his end away than his child.

please do everything you can to get the schools and social services onto this.

just be careful your not done for being too involved with your sdd especially now he’s thrown you out.

p.s my response would be, so your happy to leave the child you have in a dangerous home for god knows what to happen, just so you don’t loose your sex life. And you think I’d actually have a child with a man who could be so cruel to his existing child. What kind of man leaves his daughter like that. I will not only be reporting both her mothers home, the fact your child is terrified of going there, that a teenage girl is being forced to share a room with two men but what an abusive cunt you are to her too!

but that’s me 🤷‍♀️

TheShellBeach · 02/07/2024 14:12

"I love you and I am afraid DD is going to take up all your time and ruin our sexlife. I can give u ur own daughter our own baby girl so u don't have to play mummy. She has a mother pls. How would u feel if ur own kid preferred another woman???"

Oh how utterly grim.

You're well rid of this awful man.

He clearly doesn't give a toss about his poor daughter.

Nanaof1 · 02/07/2024 14:12

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:05

Hi everyone,

So , my partner changed his mind and DSD is back with her mum. He also asked me to leave his house - which is no big deal, I have family and somewhere to go. He said " Either you leave my kid alone or you leave". So I left.

She has been texting me all day, sent me pics. So I will keep that as a proof. She is much more talkative now. Her main worry is that her sisters are going to be separated. Also, she doesn't feel comfortable with sharing room with boys ( I didn't know that beforehand, I assumed she was with her sisters)

I have been thinking about it non-stop. It's making me sick. DSD and I discussed getting help from a third party, and tbh even if she disagrees I will do it.

She asked me to adopt her, live with me, change her family name to mines. I explained to her that it is not feasible. She is upset, but I have no official relation with her.

And just 30mins ago, my partner is begging me to come back, that he was drunk when he told me to leave blablablablabla.

" Hey, I am so sorry about what I said to you. I love you. Always had. You know me. I love you and I am afraid DD is going to take up all your time and ruin our sexlife. I can give u ur own daughter our own baby girl so u don't have to play mummy. She has a mother pls. How would u feel if ur own kid preferred another woman???"

That's one of his text.

I really didn't think I could lower my opinion of this dud, but, surprisingly, it seems he took it as a challenge and succeeded. He isn't the bottom of the barrel, he's the rust and scum needing scraped out of it.

I hope you can keep in contact with the young girl. Are you saying she shares a room with her step-brothers? If so, this is so many kinds of wrong. This teen deserves to find a stable and happy home, as do her half-siblings. I feel so sad for her. What a set of worthless parents that do not deserve her.

Original poster

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:09

RandomMess · 01/07/2024 22:16

Do you know which school the 8 year old goes to? I would contact their safeguarding lead and explain that DSD has said so things that are concerning but enough that you can currently do much about how you wanted to flag it with them so her sisters are on their radar.

They may already have concerns and that could be enough for them to step in and report.

No. I don't know. But I know the girls' names and their address.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:05

Hi everyone,

So , my partner changed his mind and DSD is back with her mum. He also asked me to leave his house - which is no big deal, I have family and somewhere to go. He said " Either you leave my kid alone or you leave". So I left.

She has been texting me all day, sent me pics. So I will keep that as a proof. She is much more talkative now. Her main worry is that her sisters are going to be separated. Also, she doesn't feel comfortable with sharing room with boys ( I didn't know that beforehand, I assumed she was with her sisters)

I have been thinking about it non-stop. It's making me sick. DSD and I discussed getting help from a third party, and tbh even if she disagrees I will do it.

She asked me to adopt her, live with me, change her family name to mines. I explained to her that it is not feasible. She is upset, but I have no official relation with her.

And just 30mins ago, my partner is begging me to come back, that he was drunk when he told me to leave blablablablabla.

" Hey, I am so sorry about what I said to you. I love you. Always had. You know me. I love you and I am afraid DD is going to take up all your time and ruin our sexlife. I can give u ur own daughter our own baby girl so u don't have to play mummy. She has a mother pls. How would u feel if ur own kid preferred another woman???"

That's one of his text.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/07/2024 22:16

Do you know which school the 8 year old goes to? I would contact their safeguarding lead and explain that DSD has said so things that are concerning but enough that you can currently do much about how you wanted to flag it with them so her sisters are on their radar.

They may already have concerns and that could be enough for them to step in and report.

jeaux90 · 01/07/2024 12:26

She's started talking to you which is great. If it was me I'd just let her decompress a little at yours, she might open up even more around some specifics which are more actionable.

This is about safeguarding, and quite honestly your DH has been sticking his head in the sand and wilfully potentially putting his DD at risk.

He will be culpable unless he starts working with you and his DD to resolve the situation.

Fraaahnces · 01/07/2024 01:48

If you were prepared to you could adopt her. I’m sorry but her father sounds fucking useless. He hasn’t had her back at all. Does he even give a shit?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/07/2024 00:35

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 30/06/2024 20:44

Well you actually can, if she's ðeemed unsafe SS will try to give guardianship to a family member first. As your married, that includes you.

I'd be locking your husband out. He's not a father.....

Show quote history

I don't think they are married. OP says they moved in together in December 2023. I'm not sure it would be good for OP to be married. In fact it would be terrible. If it weren't for the step daughter I think the advice the OP would be getting is to leave this much older, drunken, neglectful man.

OP aside from step daughter what are you getting out of this relationship?

ArtfulDenimSheep · 30/06/2024 23:58

I'm so glad that your SD has confded in you, that was probably a big step for her, she obviously trusts you and that is really good as she really needs this kind of support from someone. She sounds like a caring girl herself to be concerned about her younger siblings being split up. I hope if SS are involved that this won't happen. I would definitely ring child line like other posters have said, but talk to SD every step of the way about what you think and ask if that is alright with her. I really do wish you and your SD and her younger siblings all the very best. It's really heartbreaking what she must have been going through and for how long. It's really good that she has been able to open up to you. It must be a great weight lifted from her, and well done to you for being the responsible adult you are. I hope that she hasn't had to go back there now it's all more or less out in the open.

urbanbuddha · 30/06/2024 23:44

I just don't know what do.

This is why you need to involve professionals.
You're acting with the best of intentions but it’s too complex for you to deal with.

VotesForWomen · 30/06/2024 23:44

Well done for the progress you have made with her today.

Interl0per · 30/06/2024 23:17

Oh OP, this is such a tough situation. Thank you for wanting to do right by this girl.

As someone who has interacted with social services (through work and personally) on several occasions and in different areas I would say

social services generally (not uniformly!) want what's best for the children/young people in their care
you really can't promise any particular outcome
if things are really bad then, yes, they might end up separated. BUT - social services do try to maintain relationships
abused/scared people (especially young people!) massively fear losing those closest to them. But if the choice is between a) being separated from siblings or b) staying with them but (all) being abused/ at risk, then separation may feel like the worst thing possible in the moment, but it's actually probably not
please look after yourself. This could be incredibly emotionally draining. Try to find someone you can talk to/somewhere to escape to. It may seem right to be "on" for her 24/7 but you will do more good in the long run if you take care of yourself

GetThatBloodyFaceOff · 30/06/2024 21:02

Try to get her to confide in you and tell you what the problem is. She's clearly very unhappy at home with her mother and siblings. Your husband isn't being at all kind or supportive of her. It ISN'T normal behaviour - my GD was in a similar situation - it turned out her mother was getting drunk a lot and being violent. GD has ended up living with her dad and his GF full-time, and is so happy now.