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Original poster

To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

241 replies

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:14

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

OP posts:
DontBiteTheCat · 07/07/2024 18:19

Keep in contact with her OP x

rhianfitz · 07/07/2024 18:18

you are a great person. I think it's really difficult for someone of her age to open up to school etc. she does know you have her back though. Keep the communication going

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 07/07/2024 18:17

Sorry for the spelling mistakes or words missing. I can't bear reading it back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blasianwoman · 07/07/2024 18:14

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am here to update my [our] situation, because everything is going downhill. DSD ( let's call her Anna, because I am going to write a long post) agreed for me to talk to the school. Anna even said she preferred school to cops or SS. Anna's father didn't come to the meeting with the school, so I went.

Anna said during the meeting she never ever told me anything, and that the reason she cries when she leaves is " Because we get to watch funny YouTube videos and go shopping and play games. My mum is much better than my dad. I just like [Blasian]"

I felt so stupid at the moment. Anna's mother then had a go at me for being to much involved. I apologise and left.

I went back to my mum's, who is delighted I am not with Anna's father anymore. Not long ago, I received exactly 19 WhatsApp messages of Anna apologising. Asking me not to hate her, sending me pics of gross things in her room and MORE " You are the only person I have can you come at X Park to meet me??? Pls Ily life is cruel I wish you were my mum"

I know the school told me to duck off , but what am I supposed to do? Just move on ? :'(

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 03/07/2024 22:25

At the risk of sounding obvious @Elsvieta , have you not read the whole of OPs posts?

Elsvieta · 03/07/2024 22:12

At the risk of sounding obvious, have you asked her (without your husband around) why she doesn't want to go home?

Does her mum have a partner? Is she scared of him?

Fraaahnces · 03/07/2024 13:58

That poor, frightened, unwanted girl. Don’t contact either parent. Don’t get back with the fucking useless dad. If anything, report to SS and offer to foster her yourself. That would be the best outcome. At least she’d be with someone who gives a shit.

Nanaof1 · 02/07/2024 21:39

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:33

I bought her another phone and new sim, so she can communicate with me. So she can freely talk ( Thanks to the person who suggested it). With that new number, she opened more, showed me the state of her bedroom, where she sleeps, what she does.

Luckily, I leave about 30mins drive from her. So we can go for a coffee ( She asked me if we could meet alone).

I am afraid I am going to make things worst. I want to contact the mother, I asked DSD to give me her number and surprisingly she did... But will I make things worst??

I decided not to contact her school, but the police directly. I am just waiting to get more proof. DD (kinda) gave me a hint that she would be at her dad's for summer holiday. So I am wondering if I should go back with him so I can spend the summer with her.

To be honest, he's never there anyway. Always with his stupid friends. I took her twice 5 DAYS with my family and he didn't call once.

Please do NOT contact the mother. It will make things worse and also give her time to "create" a story. The 14-year-old needs to take pictures of her bedroom that shows she is sharing it with her SBs. She also needs to realize that to get help, she needs to open up more to any authority that can help, about any abuse going on in the house.

I don't think going back to your NAADP would be a good move. Yes, you will be there when the daughter comes to his house, but it sounds like it would be with conditions, as he obviously sees you as a sexual object and not a person. It will be good for him to do his own cleaning, cooking and washing. When he has his DD, maybe you can volunteer to be company for her as he does his partying with his friends or works.

I hope the teen opens up to the authorities truthfully, so they can help her and her younger siblings. It sounds like a horrid situation for all of them.

Fannyfiggs · 02/07/2024 21:31

I can't believe what I've just read, that poor child. What a waste of space her parents are. Thank god she has you.

ChoccieCornflake · 02/07/2024 21:16

Your are a wonderful parent to this poor girl

I'm so glad you have contacted the police. DO NOT contact the mother though - she sounds abusive too and it could make things much worse. Official channels (ie police) only.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 02/07/2024 20:58

I shared with my 2 brothers, one older one younger just after I turned 13 for about 18 months after my parents went bankrupt and we were made homeless. I love my brothers, they were very respectful of my privacy and it was a period of our lives where I actually don’t remember much sibling fighting because we were doing our bests to look out for each other

They arent even her brothers though. They're step brothers. How old are they OP? I think you're doing the right thing contacting the police. It's against all guidance for her to be sharing a room with them and I'm also wondering if there's some abuse going on.

You sound wonderful and it sounds like you're the only person in this poor girls life who she trusts and who cares about her. As others have said, 2 more years and she can choose where she lives any way

Conniebygaslight · 02/07/2024 20:45

Brilliant that you are supporting her and do not go back to your ex scum of a partner but please, please report what is happening. It won’t do you or her any good to keep it secret and you might jeopardise any future hope of looking after her.

Daleksatemyshed · 02/07/2024 19:18

Frankly your DP ( hopefully ExDP) is a disgusting waste of space as a parent. His DD is clearly being abused/neglected and he cares nothing for that because he doesn't want her with him full time when it will interfere with his drinking and sex life. I'm CF by choice but even I can see that she's a nice kid whose crying out to be rescued. Can you speak to SS on the chance that they can intervene in some way, I know it's a slim chance but short of her going into foster care I don't know how the poor girl can get away from them all. If it was possible for you to become her Foster parent that would be far better.
Please don't go back to your Ex, he'll use her as leverage to keep you there. What a nasty pair he and his ex are, they should be ashamed

ArtfulDenimSheep · 02/07/2024 19:07

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 18:34

I shared with my 2 brothers, one older one younger just after I turned 13 for about 18 months after my parents went bankrupt and we were made homeless. I love my brothers, they were very respectful of my privacy and it was a period of our lives where I actually don’t remember much sibling fighting because we were doing our bests to look out for each other. But it was still awful as a teenage girl sharing my room with a 16yo brother and 9yo brother. My parents were doing their best and I never felt unsafe it just wasn’t nice.

I can’t imagine how awful it is for this child with two older boys/men in her room and two parents who don’t give a shit.

i have noticed the parents also have something else in common, prioritising their sex lives over their children, that absolutely rings alarm bells.

Show quote history

I'm glad that you never felt unsafe when you had to share a bedroom with your 2 brothers for about 18 months when you were a teenager. I can imagine that being very difficult for you. I'm wondering if this poor girl is being abused by the brothers too. This really doesn't bear thinking about. I hope that some help is found fast and that she doesn't have to live there much longer and that if the youngest girls have to be removed that they are kept together, and that if the DS wants to live with the foster Mum she is allowed to, but I can't see that it would be if the girls Father isn't there, and he is hardly a good Father to say the least.

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 18:34

ArtfulDenimSheep · 02/07/2024 14:20

I'm horrified to hear that DSD is back with her Mum. As for her having to share a room with the boys, I may be wrong but I think that is actually illegal for a girl over the age of 10 years old to share a bedroom with brothers. This is very worrying, especially if they are older than her. Why can't she share with her sisters? This is all very worrying
It must be awful for a girl of her age to share a bedroom with older brothers.I really think that you would be better off without him too. He sounds like a right waste of space. I grew up in an environment like this and it has long and lasting adverse effects on me that I still struggle with. It may even be too late for your step daughter. There may not be much you can do about it with not being her biological Mum. But surely if it is illegal for a girl of that age to be sharing her bedroom with older brothers that could be flagged up to social services.

I shared with my 2 brothers, one older one younger just after I turned 13 for about 18 months after my parents went bankrupt and we were made homeless. I love my brothers, they were very respectful of my privacy and it was a period of our lives where I actually don’t remember much sibling fighting because we were doing our bests to look out for each other. But it was still awful as a teenage girl sharing my room with a 16yo brother and 9yo brother. My parents were doing their best and I never felt unsafe it just wasn’t nice.

I can’t imagine how awful it is for this child with two older boys/men in her room and two parents who don’t give a shit.

i have noticed the parents also have something else in common, prioritising their sex lives over their children, that absolutely rings alarm bells.

AutumnChild99 · 02/07/2024 18:29

Just wanted to say you sound like an amazing person. So many others - especially as young as you - might just look the other way and not want to get involved. Restores my faith in humanity!

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 18:23

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:40

@AliceMcK
Do SS let kids see family/friends etc... ?

Frankly, I'd rather her safe and have 0 contacg than her being in danger and be selfish because I love her and want to see her.

SS will or should take the best approach for the child/children involved, if that’s contact they will allow and encourage it if I’m correct. Or they may deem no contact. It’s been many years since my parent worked in the system. The families I know, I don’t ask questions other than what the parents want to share, as it feels intrusive.

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2024 17:23

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:05

Hi everyone,

So , my partner changed his mind and DSD is back with her mum. He also asked me to leave his house - which is no big deal, I have family and somewhere to go. He said " Either you leave my kid alone or you leave". So I left.

She has been texting me all day, sent me pics. So I will keep that as a proof. She is much more talkative now. Her main worry is that her sisters are going to be separated. Also, she doesn't feel comfortable with sharing room with boys ( I didn't know that beforehand, I assumed she was with her sisters)

I have been thinking about it non-stop. It's making me sick. DSD and I discussed getting help from a third party, and tbh even if she disagrees I will do it.

She asked me to adopt her, live with me, change her family name to mines. I explained to her that it is not feasible. She is upset, but I have no official relation with her.

And just 30mins ago, my partner is begging me to come back, that he was drunk when he told me to leave blablablablabla.

" Hey, I am so sorry about what I said to you. I love you. Always had. You know me. I love you and I am afraid DD is going to take up all your time and ruin our sexlife. I can give u ur own daughter our own baby girl so u don't have to play mummy. She has a mother pls. How would u feel if ur own kid preferred another woman???"

That's one of his text.

What a pig

Silviasilvertoes · 02/07/2024 17:19

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/07/2024 17:17

Two years. She can leave home at 16.

Show quote history

Even better!

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/07/2024 17:17

Silviasilvertoes · 02/07/2024 15:03

In four years time when she’s an adult and can make her own decisions, she’ll be able to come and live with you anyway.

Two years. She can leave home at 16.

BirthdayRainbow · 02/07/2024 17:03

Your update has made me feel sick and I've never had that reaction to a post before. I could not be with such a waste of space but I'd report all concerns to social services and her school.

jeaux90 · 02/07/2024 16:21

She is sharing with her step brothers????

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/07/2024 16:13

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:53

@Blondeshavemorefun
I do want the responsibility. I have a good job, a great family who love her. There is a special bond between me and that lovely young girl. We both love writing, playing football and playing the piano and cooking. She calls my nephews/nieces her cousins. I have the resources, when she will be old enough, to take care of her.

She is a respectful , affectionate kid. Little miss loves sleeping in my bed and talking all night about different things. I am very talkative too :x

@Blasianwoman img your reply made me blub

You sound so special. She is lucky to have you in her life

Look into if she can legally live with you at 16

Obv you won't be able to adopt her unless parents really don't give a fuck and agree

But find out your options

But don't tell her incase you can't

But just her knowing that you are there for her must mean so much !!!

Silviasilvertoes · 02/07/2024 15:03

In four years time when she’s an adult and can make her own decisions, she’ll be able to come and live with you anyway.

Silviasilvertoes · 02/07/2024 15:02

@Blasianwoman take some advice on what is possible. You don’t have to tell her you’re doing it, if you don’t want to get her hopes up. She needs you in her life.

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