To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

Meant to put step sister siblings.

I have had a thought that maybe Anna threatened or warned off from saying anything about what has been happening at home, so denied even saying anything to step mum. The fact that she is sharing a bedroom with 2 unrelated adult men is quite frankly very disturbing. They could have warned her not to stay anything, or else. I obviously don't know the reason, but can't understand why she can't share with the step siblings . Surely if the school and SS knew this it would raise a few red flags.

True about the point Sleeping in your bed

Sad to say you have to protect yourself

If she said to her mum I sleep in your bed that could cause you lots of issues

OP, if she's HIS child, how come he's prepared to leave you to care for her for the vast majority of the time? He can't have it all ways! Have you told him that you'd be happy for her to stay permanently/ If so, what was his response?

Please talk to SS. If the school haven't listened/understood because DSD has changed her story, that's understandable (though on the info we have seems a bad decision). But you have information, which you can pass on without her presence, and which the relevant authorities can use to make a decision about next steps.

We (forum) don't know what's really going on. We can't make decisions about what should happen. This needs to go to someone who can help properly, if that is needed (and who can ascertain if it is needed!)

OK, so this is where I feel unconfortable. You shouldn't be sleeping with a 14-year old in your bed. It sounds like she's your bestie more than anything else and that your relationship is ambiguous to say the least.

The nicest thing you could do would be to contact social services with all your concerns (show text messages, pictures etc) and let them deal with it. Something is so off here.

@rainingsnoring - OP apologised for missing words and spelling mistakes in her posts yesterday, as she couldn't bear to read back over them (to spell/grammar check). I suspect that is the difference you have identified in her posting style, rather than her being impaired through alcohol.

@Blasianwoman - I really hope you come back to this thread, it sounds like Anna needs you now more than ever and if MN can help you find the best way to do that, then there are lots of us who are happy to help in any way we can. Even if there's nothing else you can do right now, just knowing that she can talk to you is really important, you've done a brilliant job so far - and an awful lot more than many would have undertaken.💐

It sounds like both of her biological parents are doing a lousy job of it and your dsd sees you as the best parent she has.

She has been texting me all day, sent me pics. So I will keep that as a proof. She is much more talkative now. Her main worry is that her sisters are going to be separated. Also, she doesn't feel comfortable with sharing room with boys ( I didn't know that beforehand, I assumed she was with her sisters)

and previously:

I then asked if someone was hurting her in the house , to which she said yes.

This really is completely unacceptable for a 14 yo girl to be sharing a bedroom with two older step brothers. And they're technically adults at 18 and 21.

Something is badly wrong here, and you'd be irresponsible to not alert the authorities. You really, really need to be contacting social services about all these issues (and there are loads from what you're saying). The school meeting obviously went badly because dsd's biological mother was there and dsd has already said she's concerned about getting her mother into trouble. So there's no way she's going to speak openly with her mother about. Social services know how to handle these situations, and they always make sure to speak to the child without the parents being present.

DD (kinda) gave me a hint that she would be at her dad's for summer holiday. So I am wondering if I should go back with him so I can spend the summer with her.

Be cautious about this - it could just be a ruse to lure you back in. Either her dad using her as bait to get you back or dsd trying to manipulate you (can't blame her for trying) into going back so she can spend time with you. If you go back the status quo will continue.

Unfortunately, I doubt I can do anything for Anna. I guess I we will text until she is 16 - THANK YOU FOR THE PERSON WHO TOLD ME 16 IS THE AGE YOU CAN LEAVE- and she will have a home to go to.

She asked me to adopt her, live with me, change her family name to mines. I explained to her that it is not feasible. She is upset, but I have no official relation with her.

Unfortunately, she is currently probably feeling abandoned and let down by you as well. She sees you as a parent, and she won't understand the legalities over the emotions. However, if you let dsd come and stay with you I think it would be be a good step in the right direction. As long as she's there of her own free will, I doubt the authorities will remove her from your care (certainly not until they've established WTF is going on with her home life. And she's right, they won't let her live with her mother in the current circumstances, and they might consider taking the other younger kids into care as well.

Obviously doing this will burn bridges with your ex partner, and ultimately ss might say that dsd should go and live with her dad. Assuming he'd agree to have her full time, because it sounds like he doesn't give a shit, and is even less likely to want to without you being there to do all the work. Actually, he might decide he wants his daughter - but as a domestic slave to replace you, which would be almost as tragic as the current situation.

At 13, my friend's ds packed his bag and ran off to move in with his 16 yo girlfriend (in her mother's house). Police were called and went round there, but said he wasn't in danger and wouldn't remove him against his will. Despite them admitting that they were sexually active and the girl's mother wasn't even trying to deter it from happening under her roof. Thankfully his parent's talked him back home after a few days.

I think if ss saw the full picture they would be reluctant to remove her from your care, and even if they do, it might take months to resolve and reasonable chance they'd let her stay with you while they investigate. In your situation, I'd probably take that chance.

Welcome ArtfulDenimSheep - you'll pick it up! Mumsnet has been pretty basic in terms of whizzy forum functions up until quite recently, and now there are all sorts of notifications and settings and things you can do.

No one can log in and post as you unless they know your password and user name

Or

If live with someone and for some strange reason they used your phone or laptop and wrote something

If you say you didn't write it then contact @mnhq and they will look into it

You are absolutely correct when you say that I don't understand how the forum works. It is only about the 3rd time that I have posted on Mumsnet and I haven't read up on it yet. I just reacted to comments that I read, wanting to help someone. Anyway it's good to know that no-one else can sign in as me, ever. I will read up on what you suggested before I post anything else.

I don't mean to be rude but I don't think you understand how this forum works. No-one else can sign in as your username - ever - once you have claimed it. If you see seeing your name in bold in someone else's post they are "tagging" you or replying to you, or typing it in to reply to you.
Or perhaps they have used the quote function to quote what you have written in order to reply to it.

Worth reading up on how the forum works to avoid confusion.

I thought it was directed at me because it was right under my own post. Now I won't want to post if it's going to cause friction due to my mistake.

Someone else has just used my name on this post. I didn't write that to Gather Ye Pearls, and don't like it that someone else has used my name to write something like this and I don't agree with what they have put. From the actual Denim Sheep. Why would someone else use my name for their post? Use your own name and don't hide behind anyone else's to cause trouble In this way.

It's a shame she didn't tell the school bur maybe was scared as mum there

but equally you have proof via text messages of her home life

Keep in contact with her and see what happens

Encourage her to talk to ss or rspcc or school

I thought that it was me who was being asked if I was drunk or just very upset.

@ArtfulDenimSheep why? The person saying that tagged the OP - that means they were relying to her.

Anyway, hope OP can come back regardless of that one poster.

I thought that it was me who was being asked if I was drunk or just very upset. I can assure you that I am not drunk but I am very upset about the situation you have found yourself in and even more upset to be though of as drunk, I'm not sure if this was left for me or the poster that thought it was for them. If it was meant for artful denim sheep, a user name I chose from a selection offered to me by Mumsnet, I wasn't aware that my posting context was different to before. Sorry if it seemed that way.

@Blasianwoman are you drunk or very upset? Your posting style/ general English is totally different to the earlier posts.

Assuming that this is genuine, it doesn't really matter what the mum thinks. You have multiple messages and photos from 'Anna'. You should report it to the authorities because anyone with this information should do this to potentially help a child who has told you that she is being abused. How they investigate is up to them and not something you will be able to control. You can only report and support the girl if you feel that you continue to do this.

It could be the Anna felt uncomfortable talking about any abuse that is going on with her Mum there, so denied even saying anything to you, and just said what she did. It's a really complex situation and I don't really know what to say, but I can remember being that age and if I'd been asked to open up about anything as sensitive as this in front of my Mum and the school counselor, I think that I would have denied having said anything. She is only 14 and not an adult yet so may be confused and embarrassed and denial is just the easiest way out of what might have been an uncomfortable situation for her. If I were you I wouldn't get back with her Father but would still keep in contact with Anna, but I worry about the toll it must be having on you, are you able to talk to anyone about how it's all affecting you other than on here. Hope that it's helping to unburden here.

Wow, OP - I have just read all of your posts! What a situation. I’ve no advice but wanted to say how lucky she is to have you

From the OP’s posts it sounds like a 14 year old girl is sharing a room with adult stepbrothers (so no blood relation) who are 18 and 21!

No way is that acceptable especially as the young girl is so distressed about going home to her mother’s and mentions hating her stepfather and stepbrother.

If that is correct, are the school aware of this OP?

It’s very difficult situation, especially as quite rightly you are no longer in a relationship with her father, and he didn’t give a shit about what might be happening anyway.

The poor girls reaction to going home, clinging to legs etc, is in now way on the spectrum of normal for a 14 year old if it was just because she preferred her Dad’s as she does more fun things at his Dad’s house, unless she has SN?

She’s at an age where she can say where she’d like to live anyway. It’s unfathomable to me that your ex partner would send her back to her Mums!

I’d contact the NSPCC for advice as the school don’t seem interested. Even if they believe her that she lied, that should have raised concerns anyway. Many abused children are terrified of saying what is happening to them, they could have been threatened and they are also scared of causing trouble in the family despite how awful things are for them as they still love their family no matter how terrible things are.

Agree with keeping talking to her, letting her know that you want to help her, not much more you can do.

You are not stupid.
It sounds as if she hasn't felt able to tell the truth at the school meeting and chose to let you down by lying rather than risk her mum/ stepdad's anger.
Keep in contact if you can and try to persuade her to go to the police with you when she feels able.
On a brighter note, thank goodness you have split with your awful boyfriend.