To think that asking people if they have kids is an innocent question

It’s bog standard small talk, I never had a problem being asked when I was childfree.

I don’t mind being asked as long as the askee has the social skills to move the conversation on and doesn’t just go “oh…” and stare at me, or ask why i don’t.

9 times out of ten they don’t, and it’s awkward at best.

(I can’t have kids.)

But people get uncomfortable if the answer is 'no'

And no one has the right to another persons medical history

Childless not by choice here but have accepted it. Don’t mind being asked, as long as they just accept my No and don’t ask why, or,just as bad, assume I’m childfree by choice and say something like “Oh, very wise!”

One of the things I learnt from Mumsnet was quite how triggering various things could be for women who have had miscarriages, have lost a child or who are unable to have kids. I obviously knew all of these things are extremely upsetting but I hadn't realised quite how that presented itself.

I'm not sure that's true...whenever I am getting to know someone new I'm almost always asked if I have kids. My wife and I weren't able to have them. It's something we've accepted. I will reply a simple no.

I think it's a perfectly reasonable question. I lost my mum at 17 and was asked by a colleague in my first job about a year later what I'd bought for mother's day. I was upset at the thought that I couldn't, but hid it and explained to the colleague what had happened

I don't think it's ok to ask because it's not a standalone question. Someone can rarely just answer 'no'.
There'll often be a follow up question or they'll feel the need to elaborate when they may not want to and it's literally none of your business.

Agree with others, if you get to know someone you'll find out organically. No need to ask.

I hate it, lots of IVF here, I wish people wouldn’t ask. I have colleagues in my small team and I have never asked if they have children, we find other topics of small talk.

I do not have kids (never wanted them) and I understand it’s a general and harmless question that people say to make conversation and/or get to know you. It doesn’t bother me; the only thing that bothers me is bloody sympathetic replies afterwards, or total silence, like they don’t know what to say because it must be tragic to not have any.

I think you consider whether someone has children or not as being "literally one of the major things to know about someone" because you have children and presumably consider that to be one of the most important things about you.

In asking someone else the question "do you have children" you are seeking to find out whether they are like you. You are not asking an open question to find out about them and their life in general, you are asking a specific question to find out whether the most important thing in their life is the same as the most important thing in your life. In that sense, it's a lazy question. You could put in more effort and get a better response by asking a more open question.

I am childless, not by choice. If you ask me whether I have children, I will instantly be reminded of what I desperately want and don't have, the answer will be a simple "no", and our conversation ends. Whereas if you ask me whether I have a family, I might answer that I have two siblings and several nephews and nieces who I love spending time with, that my mother lives nearby and we are close, and I have two dogs that I adore. We have something to chat about then.

Far more insensitive to rabbit on about your children to someone who is involuntarily childless. If you know they don't have children, you know not to make children a focus of the conversation. You don't need to know why.

I don't ask it. It's so easy not to. If I'm chatting with people and want to find out about them I ask an open question. Then they can fill in any details they wish.
I don't think any of my adult kids want kids themselves and I know my daughters get annoyed when they are asked. One said that whilst she finds it a bit annoying to be asked it's the fact that people don't seem to accept her answer when she tells them she doesn't want any.

I never ask them.

I think if you are talking about your children then it’s kind of the next natural step in the conversation. The big thing is what to do when they say they don’t.

Do: move the conversation on to something else.
Don’t: ask why not.

I never ask. It's inappropriate especially if that woman is struggling to concieve.

I never ask it. Ever.If people have any, it usually comes up later in conversation.

I also don't like talking about my children. It's dull conversation.

It's just small talk. I ask it of men and women.

Exactly this

i dont mind being asked if I have children, I do mind if my response “no I can’t have them” leads to tongue tied embarrassment ending in my reassuring them it’s ok

if you genuinely can’t deal with anything beyond “oh yes I have 2” or similar then don’t ask

I'm childfree and I don't find it offensive to be asked. The issue is that I find it's usually asked by parents, I assume because they want to talk about their own kids, and when you say 'no' they often seem genuinely stumped on what to say next to move the conversation on.

It's very rare that I've been asked why, which is rude and opens another whole can of worms.

It’s a hard one. I can see both sides. I can see how someone would see it as a completely innocent question, trying to get the I know someone. However, having struggled to get pregnant and currently miscarrying my first pregnancy being asked a question like that is absolutely soul crushing. Im a teacher and a parent made a completely innocent joke along the lines of ‘you next’ the other day (I got married last summer so I can see the logic) and she had no idea I was currently waiting for my body to realise my baby had died. However she didn’t need to say that at all and I had to rush away because I could barely contain the tears.

I'm childfree by choice and I'm not offended or annoyed by being asked if I have children - because, let's face it, we're still outliers in a majority natalist society - as long as the conversation then moves on to, I dunno, the weather or the news or the price of cheese or something.

'Do you have children?' is fine.

'Why not?' is not fine.

I think 'Do you have children?' is different to the 'When are you going to have children?' question that I got a lot after we got married and were TTC for 3 years.

The first I didn't mind, because 'No' was the simple answer. The second I hated being asked.

My friend who sadly isn't able to have children despite trying for years and several rounds of IVF understandably hates it more.

I hate "And what do you do?" because the answer is pretty much nothing, but I don't get my knickers in a knot about it. It's smalltalk.

The same with "Where are you from?" and "Have you got children?" Conversational gambits.

Yeah this is the thing. If they say no then you need to quickly have a follow up that isn't about kids.

Where do you come from where did you go? Where did you come from cotton eye Joe

Sorry..

Anyway. I think "Where do you come from" is an utterly ridiculous question to ask someone. Its irrelevant. "Where did you grow up?" Fine.