To think that asking people if they have kids is an innocent question

If I think the answer might be no, I ask people if they have family. Someone childfree can answer by saying they have a partner or nieces and nephews or godchildren - they don’t just have to “no”.

I never ask that question because I don't really care whether the woman in front of me has children or not. I can find something else to small talk about.

When a woman asks me that question I assume they are very child-oriented without their own identity.

It's the same with the relationship questions - are you married? do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? If that's their small talk "getting to know you question" then they are very relationship-oriented. They think they are nothing without a partner and they are projecting that anxiety by asking the question.

That kind of information will gradually unfold in the normal course. There are a million other "getting to know you" questions that don't immediately drop a woman into a category based on the presence of other people in this woman's life.

I never ask, I am mindful that this could be a difficult question for some people. As you get to know someone they are very likely to mention their kids if they have them, then it’s okay to ask further questions about them. I don’t think there’s any need to ask people, either you know them well enough that you’ll find out anyway or you don’t know them well enough to ask personal questions so why would you bring it up. There’s plenty of other things to talk about.

You sound lovely OP, what a great friend you are to put so much effort into getting this right. For people saying other people need to get over themselves, why ask something that's painful for a lot of people? Do you really need to know the answer that much that's it's worth upsetting someone? It's not like people are saying you can't talk about your own kids. Yes, there are other questions that could be potentially painful but asking someone what they do for work when they may be unemployed is a bit different to asking someone about kids when they may have lost a child. Baby loss is sadly not that uncommon so it's not like it's super unlikely. It feels a bit like asking if someone's parents are still alive. There are so many more interesting things to ask anyway.

Of course men get asked the same question.

That's an astute observation. Not all parents, by any means, but I can think of some I've known who use their children as a bit of a social crutch at parties which can be a talking point cul de sac for those not also in the parenting club.

I don't mind someone asking me if I have kids or where I come from or about my parents or what I do for a living - these are pretty normal getting-to-know-you questions - but I would hope the questioner would also gracefully accept a response that offers the minimal "its complicated" reply without digging further and have the wherewithal to change the subject.

I agree with this. I think it's selfish to expect someone who can't have children to have to politely listen to you wittering on about your children while they die inside.

I find it's a no win situation. Many times colleagues are talking about their kids doing something and then turn and look at me as if it's my turn to say "well with mine...." but of course I just sit there and smile. The alternative is to talk about my cats.

Yes this. It used to fill me with dread when meeting someone new. I’d be saying ‘no’ and praying they didn’t then also ask why!!!

I went through fertility treatment and yes it did bother me when asked by people I didn’t really know. But what was worse was ‘when are you going to have kids?’ Yep I was asked that more than once! Or ‘why don’t you have kids?’
then when we did have our miracle baby, you get ‘are you going to have another’.
Interesting that some others have said it didn’t bother them even when struggling with fertility. It really upset me at times and I’d never ask personal questions of virtual strangers.
i find most people will tell you about themselves as you get to know them.
we’re all different in how we react to things and it’s important to be mindful of that regardless of whether you agree it’s a fair question or not.
Whether you think it’s alright to ask means nothing really, does it?

After years and years of infertility followed by 5 miscarriages. It’s one question I hate being asked.

Honestly, people need to get over themselves. There’s nothing harmful in asking a person if they have children. They are ice breaker conversations, don’t get what the big fuss is!

It's a very personal question and there are very few situations in which you actually need to know the answer.

It's a very common question but it seems that you're aware that it can cause distress to some (though not all) people who haven't been able to have children. So you know that if you choose to ask it there's a chance you'll be upsetting someone.

I don't normally ask it and I have to say I don't think I've ever not found out pretty soon into knowing someone with children that they have them. They're such a major part of parent's lives that it's almost inevitable they will come up very quickly.

I'm also child free by choice and I'm another who doesn't particularly mind being asked but hates the awkward silence (and occasionally obvious pity!) that almost always seems to follow when I say I don't have children.

This.

An even better question is "what do you do with your free time". Those with kids will then probably talk about their kids.

Before I had kids I was often asked. One lady, when I said no, asked “why what’s wrong with you is it your ovaries”. That one got me I must admit!!!

Soon after that I started saying “no I’ve got cats instead”, which shut down the conversation instantly.

Then I had a very surprise pregnancy, so I was told that I obviously had wanted them all along. Yes I had, but nature had other ideas.

I think it’s one of those topics that people just like to talk about.

I dread being asked this question.
It puts me in a position of saying "yes, one, but he's dead" which makes everyone else feel uncomfortable or saying I don't have children which feels like I'm lying and denying my son.

It's a question I'll never ask a stranger again, there's too many factors that could make upsetting for the other person.

I never ask that question because I have friends who lost a child and I know how painful the question is for them. One friend's only child died many years ago and she always hated having to respond when people asked her if she had children. She assumed the question would stop as she grew older, but no - now she gets, "Do you have grandchildren?"

People like to talk about their children, so there is no need to ask. If they don't say anything, I respect that.

I think this is bang on. I'm not offended by someone asking if I have kids - I am less happy about being asked when ill have kids, or why I don't have kids...!

But if you're asking people whether they have kids you need to have a follow up for if they say no which is not "why?" (none of your business!) or "lucky you ha ha" (maybe it's the worst thing in their life right now) and certainly not anything in the "oh you poor thing, maybe when you meet the right man/grow up a bit/ you'll never know real love if you don't" (fuck right off!).

Which, in my opinion, makes it easier to just avoid asking in the first place, and let it come out more organically through conversations about what they do for fun/hobbies/whatever.

The thing is, this makes so much sense to me, but some people who aren’t able / are struggling to have children say that a question like “do you have a family?” is also upsetting because it implies that only those with children are a “family”, so that would upset them even more than being asked if they have children.

If I'm asked, I always reply "No I don't have them for the same reason I'd never have a dog - I intensely dislike them".

Never fails to shut them up. It's also has the bonus of being true!

It’s not comparable to those questions. Being married/not and your work is a choice. Having / not having kids isn’t always a choice. I’d never ask anyone. If they want me to know they have kids, they can share that. And I’m fed up with how it’s me as a woman who’s asked. My DH rarely gets asked.