To think that asking people if they have kids is an innocent question

So sorry to hear this - I can’t imagine how it feels to hear that question asked of you 💐 @AddictedToBooks

What also annoys me is if you’re going to ask questions like that you should be prepared for all kinds of responses instead of making things get awkward.

Truth is many people aren’t equipped to handle any other response other than “yes, I have 2” which is another reason they shouldn’t be asking.

It’s just massively insensitive, if me and most people I encounter can develop connections (professional , friendships etc ) without asking others if they have kids or not , everyone on this thread should be able to as well - or they are really just dull and lack imagination. If you talk to someone long enough they’ll probably disclose it to you at some point directly or indirectly . Eg. I end up telling people I live alone and like to travel during term time to get cheaper flights. And at my age it’s unlikely I have adult children so they probably (rightly) assume I don’t have kids.

As a few people have said it's the bit that comes after that that is the problem not the actual question
People usually say something like "oh lucky you!" or "must be so nice to be able to go on holidays and stuff" etc etc and in the midst of IVF and miscarriages and stuff that's the really triggering bit !

I teach Early Years and people just assume I have children. I don't and never wanted to!

I frequently get asked if I have children as I'm a paeds nurse. I haven't got them, but wanted them. I just laugh and say I have cats. It makes me really sad. But it doesn't bother me that they ask.

Personally I wouldn't ask someone if they had children or a partner, as both can be difficult for people who may want those things and not have them. If they are people I get to know over time, I wait until they talk about them before mentioning their children/ partner. To start with I'd talk about known common interests - at work, an aspect of that or something else they have mentioned; at the gym, about classes they go to or if they live locally etc; on holiday, other places they've visited, where they live etc.

Surely that's normal rather than to blunder in asking personal questions?

I struggled with infertility and sadly got used to awkward questions and responses - some hurt more than others, but essentially it wasn't their business, since I told people of my issues when and if I was ready to. We should respect others' privacy imo.

Everyone has their own issues. Their own pasts, their own ghosts. We can’t stop saying X, Y and Z in case we offend someone.

It’s not appropriate to police peoples language. Deal with your own issues yourself, don’t try and stop others having perfectly normal conversation.

I love kids but this made me chuckle 🤭

I don’t think it’s a great question tbh not many people ask it of me for some reason except for guys I’m dating which makes sense for them to ask!

None of my colleagues or people I meet at parties etc ask me though. Maybe I don’t look very motherly /maternal ? 😂

For people who have kids saying it’s not an offensive or awkward question - well it clearly is to many people and you don’t know how it feels like for some of them so why be so entitled and inconsiderate?

If you know it triggers a lot of people why not just wait until someone offers up that information? Do you really need to ask it (unless you’re looking to get into a relationship with them)?

I agree with a pp - ask more open questions like what do they do with their free time etc and if they want to discuss their kids they will.

This would be my stance as well. I think it’s totally fine to ask if someone has children, but if the answer is no then it is never acceptable to ask why

I always feel so awkward when I'm asked this question as I have lost all 6 of my children during pregnancy and I don't like answering with "I don't have children" because I did - they all grew, lived and had heartbeats inside me, it's just that sadly my body kept letting us down.
However, if I acknowledge my children, I feel like I'm telling lies.
If I try saying the whole truth "I had 6 babies, but lost them all" - I'm usually hit by a stonewall of silence before the awkward change of conversation or even worse, them wanting to know the ins and outs of why and how far gone I was with each baby.

I just prefer not to be asked at all - especially as I can't have any more.

The problem isn't the question itself for me, it’s the conversation that follows after. So it’s easier to cut the head off the snake by not asking.
I don’t have kids yet, would love them but over a year of trying and nothing yet… but because of my age everyone asks me why we don’t have any yet. My partner gets asked often as well but doesn’t get the same conversation afterwards that I seem to get.

It was trauma that stopped me having children. By the time my mental health was in a fit state to consider having them it was too late. Don't know if I regret it or not, but I've accepted it.

For a while a family member on DH's side of the family would regularly bombard me with pictures of his small grandchildren and his wife's grandchildren. So many babies and toddlers! It got too much in the end and I had to ask them to stop.

I don’t ask it. Having lost a child and subsequently having a hysterectomy/oophorectomy, I hate being asked this question as well as how many DC I have.

I’m lucky to have one but when asked how many?, it reminds me I have lost one/couldn’t have any more (not that I really need reminding).

Experience tells me that it is considered a personal and intrusive question even though I don't mind being asked myself!
So I never ask that question

I think it’s a question to stay away from. Some people are lucky enough to be oblivious to how hard it can be.

Some people don’t have any children and get annoyed because it shouldn’t define them when meeting someone, others feel upset because they want them but can’t. Then you have those who did give birth but their child died (and from my own experience that’s a whole internal dilemma about whether you are betraying them to not acknowledge them versus whether you want the pity and awkwardness that will follow).

I agree that asking about hobbies and spare time can be a far better way to get someone to open up.

I would never directly ask. Many people who are childless not by choice have been through a lot of trauma and it would stir it up. It’s important to listen to people in that situation and hear their voices. People have told me it’s painful and I respect them, so I avoid asking.

It isn’t difficult for me to not ask but it might be difficult for some people to be asked.

It’s a very lazy question which tends only to be asked of women. It shows lack of imagination and curiosity about the other person. If they have children, they’ll generally tell you.

I've managed to build and negotiate friendships by not asking these sorts of questions in the early stages. I figure if someone wants to tell me, they'll tell me, or it'll naturally come up in conversation.
Things I don't ask:
Are you married?
Where are you from?
Do you have kids?
What do you earn?
What religion are you?

@MsCactus I know, I was being somewhat tongue in cheek. But in seriousness it does affect me as I have ED and it's a factor that stopped me having kids. But yeah, I don't really think it ruins people's bodies.

But I also find that some people can’t take no as the answer and can’t help but follow with why - “I Really don’t like them” puts a stop to the stupid convo I’d rather not have and closes down waffle about how fabulous their offerings to society are. It’s not true I love kids but I don’t want to talk about them at work or get into it with people I know professionally.

This

It doesn’t bother me; the only thing that bothers me is bloody sympathetic replies afterwards, or total silence, like they don’t know what to say because it must be tragic to not have any.

Or the sudden looking around for an escape from me because I obviously don't have any thing in common 🤣🙄

I don’t ask that question because I just think the answer could be really emotional for some people and not something they want to get into. There are plenty of other options for small talk.

I don’t think it is ok to ask why do you need to know it’s not relevant in areas of my life that don’t involve them.

Even worse is the inevitable follow up question (if you say "no")...... "Why not?". Whether you're childless or childfree, this is nobody else's f*ing business. I don't notice people with children being asked to justify their choice to procreate.
And it's true that there's an element of misogyny because I guarantee you that men don't get asked anything like as often as women do.
Yes, if someone has children then it's a big part of their life but, as you get to know them, it will come out naturally in conversation. There is absolutely no need to ask this question of a virtual stranger.

I agree with most of your comment. I did want to clear up the myth that kids "ruin your body" though - I'm the same weight as pre baby but I've been left with big boobs (was flat chested before). I always wanted bigger boobs and in all honesty I prefer my post baby body. It's not necessarily going to ruin anything