To think that asking people if they have kids is an innocent question

I don't think it's offensive or needs some sort of outright ban but I do disagree with your argument "It’s literally one of the major things to know about someone."

Why?

If you are getting to know someone, they will tell you if they have children when/if it is relevant. What will outright asking them achieve? If you are meeting someone for the first time you can choose to talk about literally anything under the sun, I just don't understand why you'd need to establish their motherhood credentials in order to chat to someone. There are a very limited number of topics where you would HAVE to have had kids yourself to have an input - off the top of my head I'm thinking things like the best way to wean a child off a dummy or allocated school places - all of which tbh are quite boring conversation topics for the first time you meet someone anyway.

If there are no negative consequences or impact whatsoever to you of not asking if someone has kids, and there could potentially be negative impacts either to them (or to you, if you're at all decent presumably you will feel at least a little awkward if someone turns around and says "no I'm infertile" or "well I had a child but they died of cancer,") of asking, then why wouldn't you just take the easier road of not asking, and (if it is so very important for you to know) wait for the topic to come up organically?

I will admit I don't like to be asked. I appreciate it's normally well meaning as the majority of people have them and they want to talk about the shared experience. I work in health care, meeting around 20 people a day. So I get asked regularly. And for me it's still pretty raw that I was never able to conceive as I only had my last IVF a year ago. Plus I look slightly younger than I am so I think people assume I can still have them. Plus because I'm working on a patient/clinician basis I obviously don't want to make anyone feel awkward.
So conversations go like this.
"Do you have kids?"
"No I don't"
"Oh why not? Are you planning on them?"
Then it either has to go:
"No I'm 44 and a bit old for that now!" (Insert fake laughing that implies I'm happy about it)
Or
"Oh it just never really happened for me....." (quickly change the subject)
This often then is followed by the patient saying "oh my cousins dogs aunties friends daughter got pregnant at 50!! You've still got time!"
Or
"Oh well you're lucky really I've got 3 and Oh my good haha its so bad I'm so tired haha I bet you enjoy sleeping in every weekend!"
And I have to laugh along that yes it's great and I'm so happy.
But inside its killing me.
So I'd rather not be asked.
Maybe in 10 years it won't bother me as much.

I think it’s fine to ask assuming it’s not out of the blue, and I’d ask men as well.

I think a similarly innocent, neutral question is, "are your parents still alive?" Probably most people can say yes but for those who say no there is likely to be something painful there.

Take the risk of asking about children by all means. None of us can demand anyone else curtails their freedom of speech. But to label it as innocent when you know there will be some people who will be upset by the question and that you can't tell in advance who they are seems incredibly disingenuous to me.

@AddictedToBooks I'm sorry for your losses and that you get put in that position.

"Smalltalk" should be just that, small.

For the people who think this is "just chitchat". Doesn't it bother you that you could totally ruin someone's day?! Baby loss, infertility, involuntary childlessness etc is not at all uncommon.

You really are playing with fire asking this question.

You generally don't need to ask this question. If someone has kids, they will usually find a way to shoehorn them into the conversation within the first 5 minutes of meeting them.

The problem isn't always the question itself. It's what comes next if the answer is 'no'. I don't have kids and hate being asked it because there's always a slightly awkward pause when I say no, and I have no wish to elaborate on why I don't have them.

It's bad small talk. I know small talk can be awkward and annoying but it's just an obviously fraught question. Being childless not by choice or being estranged from your family are not that uncommon.

I'm child-free by choice and don't care about being asked, and honestly I don't especially mind being asked why either. As long as they can handle my reasons (I like freedom, I like disposable income, I like sleep, I like partying and I think family time looks appallingly tedious). I'd think the person who asked very rude though - I've often wondered why people choose to have children but it seems obviously terrible to actually ask out loud.

Also, men never ever get asked it, and yet manage to make small talk about plenty of other subjects.

Good small talk starts with whatever you have in common - whatever brought you both to that particular spot that day where you're talking to each other - and progresses from there. If you're happy to talk about a particular subject you should bring it up yourself and if the other person doesn't bite, move on. If you want to talk about kids, mention yours - the other person will either want to talk about theirs and you can natter away, or they don't and you can think of another topic. (I do this with politics. Happy to chat or rant away but if the other person shows no interest, why would I press on with the subject...)

Exactly, and the fact you might not be happy about it, it’s such an incredibly personal question to probe a complete stranger about.

I don't usually ask it first just in case it's a source of pain to them. However, nearly everyone asks me and then I ask them in return. I feel if they raise the issue, it's OK to ask.

I don't have issues over not having children, I'm very happy about it. What I have issues over is when I say that I don't have children and some people trying to find out why instead of accepting my answer and moving on.

@Jc2001 I'm sure they do, but not so quickly and readily. And it wouldn't be followed with 'why not?' if they said they didn't.

The fact is women are judged on whether they have kids. Almost as if they often feel like they are inadequate because they don't have them.

This is a a real thing. I thankfully don't feel that way, and am perfectly happy not to have kids. But I know how it can affect women.

A bloke who was childless would not face the same societal judgement.

It isn't a question I would ever ask, simply because I'm not interested in talking about children at all. Also, if I am trying to get to know somebody then I want to get to know them, not their kids.

You would only feel a little different?
It’s a whole different world.

I don't have kids and am single. I am 39.
I hate it when people ask 'Do you have kids' I say I don't and they look a bit awkward. 'What about a partner?' I reply again saying I don't and they look even more awkward. It can rattle even the strongest of people to go against the grain of what is the norm.

I think this sums it up perfectly.

I'm childfree and echo the others saying that if you ask the question you have to know where you are going with the conversation when I say no. It's a question set up for a yes - how many, what ages etc - and so the no always feels like it's killed the expectations of the asker.

My question to people I've not met before is, "Do you have family round here?" which can mean whatever they want it to mean. An aunt, a sibling, none, a spouse and half a dozen kids, grandparents.

But some subjects are more universal than others - children and partners are aspects of life most people will have thought about even if they've decided they are not for them. I also don't ask about their religion or politics unless I have a sense of their views on these. Or what they earn etc

There may be seemingly innocuous subjects that could be highly triggering to certain people. Off the top of my head, mentioning swimming to someone whose loved one drowned. And clearly we can't avoid these necessarily.

But generally asking open questions or taking about known interests or commonalities makes more sense than simply asking whatever we want, without any regard to the fact it could be a sore subject for them.

It's just chit-chat. I just answer "No. How about you?". I'm happy to listen to someone talk about their kids or admire the photos. No harm intended and no offence taken as far as I'm concerned (although I would, no doubt, feel a little different if I had wanted children but couldn't have them.

This is a very triggering question for me and I have to hold back tears if I'm asked it. So if you don't fancy dealing with that, don't ask.

I don't ask because I truly don't care whether someone has children or not. Also, it is a sensitive question for some. If someone has children, they will usually bring it up. There is no need to ask.

It has definitely been added to the list of questions that I don't ask. I learnt that that 25 years ago, before I had children. People usually reveal what they want to in due course - prefer to ask more open ended questions.

Yeah this. I understand why people ask, and it's a totally reasonable although a difficult question for me as someone who is CNBC. What I do struggle with is the 'good for you' or 'you can have one of mine' responses but I get it's not necessarily easy to know how to respond.

I think there are lots of questions that can trigger hurt, depending on your life history, and it's not feasible to avoid them all. Otherwise you'd never be able to find out anything about anyone!

As someone who's not had kids yet and is worried that I won't, I don't mind if the question comes up naturally in conversation, e.g. when discussing their own kids. It's more about the intention - whether they just want to find out about my life, or whether they're only interested in friendship if I say yes (I do occasionally get that vibe from people).

Small talk can always be messy when you don’t know someone- my db doesn’t work and probably never will (autism issues) and the ‘what do you/ what does he do?’ question is a stumbling block for everyone depending on the person and day!