To think that asking people if they have kids is an innocent question

I don't mind being asked the question because I understand it's a perfectly common form of polite conversation, and I think it's decent to show an interest in other people, but actually talking about children is something I have no interest in doing, so I usually answer with "No, because I can't stand children and dread the thought of being a parent, so I was always extremely careful not to let it happen", and that tends to end that topic of conversation right there and then.

I have no issue whatsoever with being asked honest questions, provided the people asking them can accept an honest answer.

It never occurs to me to ask anyone - acquaintances or strangers - if they have children. It's not even the possible distress, it's simply not on my radar. I'd much, much rather talk about pets or other interests.

I think people go overboard in asking personal questions. The cost of living is a great topic.

I avoid asking this question simply because if they say "No" it's an awkward moment. A "Yes" invites further questions and a nice conversation about that. A "no".... well, it's hard to know what to say after that. "That's great!" "Oh!" "Do you have pets?" It's just...awkward.

I’m finding the “Where do you come from” question uncomfortable at the moment because my country is screwing up politically on the global arena

There's your answer. Certain questions can make people uncomfortable.

I never ask strangers if they have children - it's not my business.

I assume that if I answered that question with "I have a son who isn't alive" it would make the person asking the question feel embarrassed and awkward so I save them the embarrassment and say "no, I don't have children" and then feel immediately guilty. So I say unless you're prepared for that sort of answer you shouldn't really ask the question.

Far better to ask "how has your week been?" or "what keeps you busy outside of work?" which gives someone with children the opportunity to talk about them if that's what they want.

I operate under the assumption that if people want me to have their personal information, they will tell me their personal information so I don't ask any personal questions.

I never ask people.

I never ask do you have children or would you like children. None of my business. If someone wants me to know they’ll say something.

A left-field answer is usually handy for the pushy types. "The child I have will be the next King of France or I'm not having it" worked well for this.

I am child free by choice and whilst I’m not offended by the question I do roll my eyes at people thinking it’s ’one of the major things to know’ - women are so much more than mothers. My ‘absolutely not, I couldn’t think of much worse’ tends to surprise people and I think that’s more of a problem, the assumption that we should all want to be mothers.

I'm childfree, and the only thing that bugs me (mildly) about "do you have children" is that I find children a boring subject of conversation. Obviously that's not the case for the parents who talk about them, but it is for me. The offensive bit is the idiots, as PP have said, who do the astonished/pitying responses when you say No.

Exactly this. So if it's just deployed as a piece of small talk and not in any particular context (e.g. having already spoken about children more generally) I think it's a bit tricky.

I remember attending a friend's hen party when I'd been TTC for over a year, with fertility issues on both sides. The groom's mum turned to me with no introduction and said: "Do you have children?" "No, but..." "Do you want children?" "Ah yes, it would be lovely, but..." "Very good". And that was enough for her to turn away and move onto someone else 🤷🏻

Im not sure why you'd purposely ask people. It can be such a painful topic. I don't mind the question but I lost my only children so far [baby twin boys] nearly 8 months ago - one stillborn and his brother in the NICU unit a few days later, so it depends how people phrase it
I like talking about them but it can also reduce me to tears.

As for asking strangers, I guess it depends where people are at with their lives. Obviously people who have been successfull in their pregnancies will find it non offensive as opposed to those who haven't most of the time.

So you know that many people will find it a painful question, but even so, because it’s not a problem for you, you still want to justify asking? Also, it’s going to be quite awkward for them if the answer is just “no” (followed by Stoney silence). where does the conversation go from there? In my experience parents will let you know very early on in a conversation that they have children as they will bring them up in conversation without needing to be asked (nothing wrong with that).
Also, how many men get asked this question?

No it’s not a question you should ask - as many have said if people want to bring up their children they will.

I have no children of my own but have a 5 year old step son - when people ask me and I say yes I have a stepchild, I get asked “do you want any of your own” so often - and yes, I do. But it’s a very painful conversation to have and it’s nobody else’s business.

As someone with a history of baby loss, I'd never ask the question unless someone had brought up their kids organically. I personally wouldn't get upset if someone asked me, but I also know enough to know that there are so many different stories out there that it can be upsetting. Also, as someone without children, I have so little to say in response to a list of sexes and ages ('an 8 year old boy! Er, cool?') that I don't find it gets the conversation that much further. Talking about pets tends to be less fraught (there's the odd chance someone's lost a pet that week, but it's not the same) and you can joke about cats vs dogs, etc.

I agree Op. I do feel bad if I’ve asked that question and the answer is a brief “No” because it’s clearly not my business to ask anything else and as I was just making polite chitchat it’s just difficult to … make the convo flow after that. For me it’s triggering when people ask about my family because my mum has passed- when someone innocently says “your mum must adore watching your kids play” or “bet you can’t wait to go home so your mum can give them the biggest cuddle” … and I’d give my right arm for that to have happened. But I’d never blame anyone for putting their foot in it, it’s just painful for me that’s all. So yes we all trigger each other all the time and it’s usually not done purposefully.

I hate being asked this question. I'm sure I must have been asked it in social situations eg when in a new job but I can't really remember it. But I do get asked it on a fairly regular basis at work by patients, like a previous poster mentioned. I don't work with children so it's not parents wanting first hand experience. It literally is not related to the appointment at all. The patient does not need to know whether or not I am a mother to carry out my role. I either tell them no, I have cats or no, I am much too young for that (late 30s!). In truth, I desperately want to be a mother and had seriously considered doing it on my own. I have recently started seeing someone (within the last couple of months) and the questions about when we are going to have children have already started. I'm not even sure I can have children. It does make me cry sometimes.

Exactly.

I have children now but it was after many years of heartache and, £££ and fertility treatment.

The pain of wanting a child and not being able to have one almost killed me.

I never ask someone if they have kids. If I’m getting to know someone and they tell me they have kids, then we go from there. But I never ask. Same as I never ask if they have a partner. You never know if the person got a BFN the day before.

Sorry, don’t get this? 🤔

do you have kids?

the 2 of us are going to tesco/asda/work/the gym

I don’t ask, I assume if they do it will come up naturally, if not then that will too but the question itself can be insensitive to some people. The same as I’d never ask about say an obvious disability unless they brought it up first.

Before I met my husband my answer would have been no.
My parents are dead, I've no siblings so no nieces or nephews, no children and although I do have one uncle in another country I haven't seen or spoken to him for about 20 years. I'm not even sure if he's still alive.

I don't think it's an offensive question but I would feel weird just saying "no" and not elaborating and cutting the conversation dead. But even worse would be to say "nah I don't want them" to a parent. Some might take that the wrong way. I'll probably just say "no not yet" until I'm well into my 40s and then change it to something like "they just weren't on the cards" when it's clear I'm too old for that! Anything else seems a bit blunt really.

But as others have said no one needs to really ask, kids are probably the number one conversation topic parents are going to mention, you'll know if someone has kids within minutes.