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Original poster

DH weekend football games & baby

85 replies

sandbun67 · 30/06/2024 13:59

DH goes to the local home football games with his friends on Saturdays and has done for as long as I have known him. They are a really nice group of men - they go, have a few drinks in a nearby pub, see the game and come home. All very innocent and they are out for about 5-6 hours. Always been really happy for him to go, even for the last 9 months when we have had a new baby as I can sometimes get someone to come and help me and I also feel quite well rested (baby is a great sleeper) so I'm happy to do the day alone if I need to. DH is also a very involved dad and supports me a lot so I'm happy for him to take the time to continue doing something he really enjoys.

However, I recently mentioned to DH that I wasn't sure about him going to every single game when I'm back working FT as a teacher in September. I thought this was quite reasonable but he thinks I'm being really unfair and I can't decide who is being unreasonable. My reasoning to him was as follows:

  • The working week is exhausting. Pre baby I usually had to work one day at the weekend just to keep on top of everything and I can only see this getting worse as I will need to leave work earlier to pick up from nursery. I would usually do my work on a Sunday meaning that Saturday is my only 'free' day of the week. If DH goes to a football match and leaves me to solo parent on this free day, I effectively won't get a day off all week. Yes I can get someone to come and help me but this isn't necessarily how I would want to spend this free day - I'd like to spend it with him and our DD!
  • The football games take place roughly 1/3 of my working weekends (I'm happy for him to go on the weekends of school holidays when I will have been off in the week). So effectively one third of all my working weekends I have already been signed up to not really getting a break/time as a family.
  • When do we get family time? DH has suggested on other weekends I can do something for myself and he'll look after DD so it balances out, but if I match him on this then we will hardly ever get family time the 3 of us.

For clarity, I didn't say that I didn't want him to go, just that maybe he could reduce the amount he goes but he thinks that the number of games in a year is reasonable.

Genuinely unsure who is being unreasonable here as I sort of feel backed into a corner and I feel that it has just been assumed I will agree to this.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Johnhasalongmoustache · 02/07/2024 19:15

not out of sight

pikkumyy77 · 01/07/2024 10:52

Ignore the gamily time/motion experts who want the baby to be out of sight while the other parent “Achieves something.”

Original poster
sandbun67 · 01/07/2024 10:49

Johnhasalongmoustache · 30/06/2024 21:07

The idea of two adults playing with a baby just sounds forced

think you have a romantic idea of life with a baby.

once you have toddlers or kids at school yes of course you’re busy doing stuff with them, but for efficiencies sake, why not one do something with the baby and the other one achieves something

Um we already do this! Nothing forced or romantised about it. What's wrong with two parents playing with their baby?!

OP posts:
seedsandseeds · 01/07/2024 07:51

She's not a single mother though. And it's not a race to the bottom.

Correct, because if it was a race to the bottom, this'd finish last.
I'll ask again, is it possible one can look after a baby as well as living, doing normal daily tasks?

If someone is doing all the daily tasks do you spend the entire Saturday tickling your baby or is it set times only?

@mathanxiety

thecatsthecats · 01/07/2024 07:07

lazyarse123 · 30/06/2024 14:29

I think it's more ops job that is an issue. Teaching can be terrible for family life. Working evenings and weekends especially as it's unpaid is just wrong.

I agree. I actually refused to consider TTC until my husband left his long hours culture workplace and got a job that fit with family life. In fact, that came as an ultimatum during a holiday abroad where he worked a 40h week.

5h every third weekend should be achievable for you both as hobby/social time outside of the family.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/07/2024 05:42

The problem with you getting equal time is that. He'll do his 1/3rd of the weekends. Then it will be your turn to have every Saturday to yourself for 1/3rd of the year. 1) you will start using your time as family time, chore time, work time. 2) it will wear thin for him during that time, he'll concede its not fair, you'll stop. Football season will start up again and it'll be "different" and not fair that he can't go. And he'll get his weekends again.

Your Saturday is considered your working day. You work 6 days a week. That is your working day. If you were contracted and working out of home it would he none negotiable. He takes the baby with him or arranges childcare. His choice. You work that day. Then Sunday is both of yours days off and that is spent as family time

CurlewKate · 01/07/2024 05:23

If it's a local team so not massively crowded he can take the baby with him,say, every second week.

AppleCream · 01/07/2024 05:11

Morningcrows · 30/06/2024 18:36

Time to lower your standards at work and I say that as a teacher of 15+ years. You absolutely can fit your work load into the week if you have to. Teacher workload can always expand to every waking moment if you let it. Are you secondary or primary? I'm secondary and think it's easier to cut back the hours and still do a good job. In fact in many respects you do a much better job when you are rested and happy.

You now have a family so working at the weekend is a no go.

DH should have the baby single handed on Sat, from baby waking until he goes out and for some time after he gets back (whatever equals 5-6 hours) you get to read, sleep, pamper in that time. Therefore on a Sat you both get 5-6 hours 'me time' and then have family time on Sunday. This should be Sacrosanct.

I agree with this. I know lots of teachers, and while they all do a bit of extra work in the evenings / weekends, none of them spend the whole day working on Sunday. That may have worked well for you before you had the baby but now you need to re-think. Cut down your prep time as much as you can, and think about when to do it so that it doesn't take up a whole day at the weekend.

pikkumyy77 · 01/07/2024 04:43

When does he solo with the baby?

MariaLuna · 01/07/2024 04:25

I'm back working FT as a teacher in September. I thought this was quite reasonable but he thinks I'm being really unfair and I can't decide who is being unreasonable

If you can't decide who is being unreasonable, he's gaslighting you. You have had a baby TOGETHER, you work as a teacher - good on you! - and he expects his life not to change..... He's an idiot. Sorry.

Does he give you time off to do what you want one day in the week to decompresses?

mathanxiety · 01/07/2024 04:16

neilyoungismyhero · 30/06/2024 20:52

Why do you need someone to come and help you? What exactly with?

I'm guessing she likes company. She's home all day with the baby, which can be a lonely experience, and her H heads off with his mates for a nice big chunk of a weekend day. It's nice to have another grown up to chat with. Her H seems to think so too - a pity he chooses his mates over his wife for that.

mathanxiety · 01/07/2024 04:13

seedsandseeds · 30/06/2024 20:20

Is it possible that there are chores to do, admin tasks to be seen to, grocery lists to make, etc, and the OP isn't spending her Saturday afternoons tickling the baby for five hours?

Is it possible that they can be done whilst looking after a baby?

As a single mother with no help these comments are humorous.

She's not a single mother though. And it's not a race to the bottom.

coralpinkduckegg · 01/07/2024 00:16

You can scatter family time over the week, particularly around weeknight dinners or morning routines. My favourite time with my dh and dd is pre nursery, doing her hair, watching an episode of topsy and tim, playing with the lego, brushing our teeth as a family, waving them off.

As pp's have said - you may well need to get dh to do some pick ups in the evening so you can stay later at school. Using a weekend day for work is not practical with a small child. Most nurseries are open until 6, can baby not be picked up then?

Namechangencncnc · 30/06/2024 21:33

Johnhasalongmoustache · 30/06/2024 21:07

The idea of two adults playing with a baby just sounds forced

think you have a romantic idea of life with a baby.

once you have toddlers or kids at school yes of course you’re busy doing stuff with them, but for efficiencies sake, why not one do something with the baby and the other one achieves something

What a weird mindset! It's their child, are they meant to always take it in turns ?
Also baby will be almost a toddler if it's after maternity leave.

I think it's fair on the baby to have as much time with parents as possible, since they both work full time.

Johnhasalongmoustache · 30/06/2024 21:07

The idea of two adults playing with a baby just sounds forced

think you have a romantic idea of life with a baby.

once you have toddlers or kids at school yes of course you’re busy doing stuff with them, but for efficiencies sake, why not one do something with the baby and the other one achieves something

neilyoungismyhero · 30/06/2024 20:52

Why do you need someone to come and help you? What exactly with?

seedsandseeds · 30/06/2024 20:44

@mathanxiety

Johnhasalongmoustache · 30/06/2024 20:24

The phrase family time makes me heave

hes got Saturday afternoon free

find yourself a couple of nights out it at the gym in the week.
Cleaner
don’t work at home

Johnhasalongmoustache · 30/06/2024 20:22

Also. I’m a teacher. Never ever ever work at weekends.

lower your standards

Johnhasalongmoustache · 30/06/2024 20:21

Get a cleaner

seedsandseeds · 30/06/2024 20:20

Is it possible that there are chores to do, admin tasks to be seen to, grocery lists to make, etc, and the OP isn't spending her Saturday afternoons tickling the baby for five hours?

Is it possible that they can be done whilst looking after a baby?

As a single mother with no help these comments are humorous.

Morningcrows · 30/06/2024 18:36

Time to lower your standards at work and I say that as a teacher of 15+ years. You absolutely can fit your work load into the week if you have to. Teacher workload can always expand to every waking moment if you let it. Are you secondary or primary? I'm secondary and think it's easier to cut back the hours and still do a good job. In fact in many respects you do a much better job when you are rested and happy.

You now have a family so working at the weekend is a no go.

DH should have the baby single handed on Sat, from baby waking until he goes out and for some time after he gets back (whatever equals 5-6 hours) you get to read, sleep, pamper in that time. Therefore on a Sat you both get 5-6 hours 'me time' and then have family time on Sunday. This should be Sacrosanct.

Original poster
sandbun67 · 30/06/2024 17:45

Tapping out now but a genuine thanks to everyone who has made helpful suggestions - given me a lot to think about and discuss with DH xx

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 30/06/2024 17:40

How about husband sorts out evenings so you can do extra work then leaving both Saturday and Sunday free? You can then both get time to yourselves when you want and spend time together?

LlynTegid · 30/06/2024 17:28

There are a few midweek games, perhaps he could miss these? Also if he is a season ticket holder, the club may be able to re-sell his seat for any game he misses so you are not out of pocket.