Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU, me or DH?

88 replies

Saramiah · 30/06/2024 13:03

DH: I’m going to take DC to my parents house for 10am and help my dad with DIY, my brother and his wife are coming with their DC also at 10am, you can pop to the shop (because he’d forgotten to buy them an anniversary present) then join us for dinner at 2pm.

DH at 12.30pm: Where are you?

Me: You told me 2pm?

DH: Yes but it’s rude of you just to turn up for dinner, you should come earlier to socialise and be polite!

Now he’s annoyed with me.

I know I’m autistic, but when he says come for dinner at 2pm, that means come at 2pm, doesn’t it? It doesn’t mean “come at 12pm to socialise politely before we have dinner at 2pm”?

OP posts:
TeabySea · 30/06/2024 13:31

Saramiah · 30/06/2024 13:17

According to him, any “normal” person (ie not autistic) would know that “come at 2pm” really means “come at 1pm to be polite and socialise before we have dinner at 2pm”. Is that true?

I am not autistic (to my knowledge, never been assessed) but if I was told to meet at 2, then the earliest I'd be there was 1.45

Also, I'd have told him to sort the gift out himself. But that's just me.

magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 13:30

Saramiah · 30/06/2024 13:26

He did ask me nicely if, instead of going with him and DC at 10am, I’d pop to the shop for the gift he forgot and come for dinner at 2pm. I was happy to do that.

The problem is he’s now whinging that I didn’t come earlier than 2pm. Which I don’t think is reasonable since he said 2pm and even texted me it in black and white.

I could have gone earlier. I’ve been back from the shop for ages. But I didn’t because he said 2pm. If he’d said “please grab the gift and come for 1pm to socialise before dinner at 2pm” then I’d have happily done that. But that’s not what he said.

The argument is that he thinks I should “know” that when you’re invited for 2pm you don’t calculate your departure time to arrive at 2pm on the dot, you just come whenever you’re ready. Which really isn’t how my mind works!

Show quote history

No it's not how mine works and I don't have a ND diagnosis. He said 2pm. You arrived for 2pm. You had no way of telling if food was on the table at 2 or if you'd be hanging around at 2pm for a bit waiting for food. Given its rude to turn up early and often people even suggest turning up 5 minutes late it's a minefield so he needed to be clear. He is now in a huff about it the next day? Bonkers. Is this coming from him? Or has his family complained? At the end of the day why does this matter so much to him?

circular2478 · 30/06/2024 13:30

If dinner is at 2pm then I'd arrive before that. It is rude to arrive literally as dinner is being served. I'd arrive for 1.30ish.

WestendVBroadway · 30/06/2024 13:30

I think it would depend on his intonation. Imagine if his instructions were written down. Would it say-
"Join us for dinner, at 2PM" Or
" Join us, for dinner for 2PM."

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/06/2024 13:28

I took it as come from 10 then go to the shop

Jamieie · 30/06/2024 13:27

If dinner is 2 then you'd arrive before this. It depends how he worded it.

magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 13:26

Boxina · 30/06/2024 13:26

I'm autistic and agree that generally you would turn up earlier BUT he specifically told her to arrive at 2, so it's him at fault.

Show quote history

Yup. If he's going to order her around he needs to take responsibility for the clarity of his instructions

Original poster
Saramiah · 30/06/2024 13:26

magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 13:19

Right but he knows you're autistic?

you can pop to the shop (because he’d forgotten to buy them an anniversary present) then join us for dinner at 2pm.

How dare he order you around like that. "You can pop to the shop" jeez. Who does he think he is.

Show quote history

He did ask me nicely if, instead of going with him and DC at 10am, I’d pop to the shop for the gift he forgot and come for dinner at 2pm. I was happy to do that.

The problem is he’s now whinging that I didn’t come earlier than 2pm. Which I don’t think is reasonable since he said 2pm and even texted me it in black and white.

I could have gone earlier. I’ve been back from the shop for ages. But I didn’t because he said 2pm. If he’d said “please grab the gift and come for 1pm to socialise before dinner at 2pm” then I’d have happily done that. But that’s not what he said.

The argument is that he thinks I should “know” that when you’re invited for 2pm you don’t calculate your departure time to arrive at 2pm on the dot, you just come whenever you’re ready. Which really isn’t how my mind works!

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 30/06/2024 13:26

'you can go to the shop' can I now? To buy a gift for your family?
'you should be a mind reader and turn up and hour early' ok then sunshine.
Any 'normal' person would buy his own gifts, tell people the actual time to turn up, and stop bossing their wife about!

midgetastic · 30/06/2024 13:26

I'd aim for about 1;50 for sitting down at 2 - time to take coat off, go to the loo and whatever

If he wants you there earlier then he should just say so because even NT people don't have a brain to brain connection that helps them understand each other without accurate words

Boxina · 30/06/2024 13:26

Itisjustmyopinion · 30/06/2024 13:20

I am autistic but I would know it’s rude just to turn up when the food is being served so I think YABU

I'm autistic and agree that generally you would turn up earlier BUT he specifically told her to arrive at 2, so it's him at fault.

Octavia64 · 30/06/2024 13:25

NT.

If I was told to arrive at 2 I'd arrive at 2.

When I invite people I say food at x o clock arrive from y o clock

magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 13:25

Fraaahnces · 30/06/2024 13:24

Oh I would be throwing that gift on the table with a breezy “So, here’s the present DH forgot to get you. Happy Anniversary. He told me to arrive at 2pm. I thought you might also enjoy a lovely bottle of champagne to celebrate the occasion.”

Don't throw it!

Fraaahnces · 30/06/2024 13:24

Oh I would be throwing that gift on the table with a breezy “So, here’s the present DH forgot to get you. Happy Anniversary. He told me to arrive at 2pm. I thought you might also enjoy a lovely bottle of champagne to celebrate the occasion.”

MonsteraMama · 30/06/2024 13:24

I'm not autistic and I'd have arrived at 2pm.

(Well no being honest I'd have told him to get fucked the minute he started ordering me about like The Help, but in the context of your post I'd take what he said to mean "arrive around 2pm")

magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 13:23

Itisjustmyopinion · 30/06/2024 13:20

I am autistic but I would know it’s rude just to turn up when the food is being served so I think YABU

That's because you've learnt that rule. But the DH wasn't clear if dinner was being served at 2 or if OP should be joining them at 2.

GatherYePearls · 30/06/2024 13:23

I'd be eating my first lunch at 12.30 otherwise I'd be starving at 2 Grin

Cherrysoup · 30/06/2024 13:22

NT and I’d have turned up at 2 as he ordered. Is he normally this derogatory about you being ND? Surely he knows that anybody would take his 2pm instruction literally?

NoSnowdrop · 30/06/2024 13:22

why did you have to pop to the shop to get the present he had forgotten to buy?

if he told me 2pm that’s the time I’d expect to go too. You’re not in the wrong OP.

magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 13:22

My husband is autistic and I don't tell him how a "non-autistic" person would take my instructions and get all stroppy with him. I make sure my instructions are clear.

So I would have said "thanks for going to the shop for me that's really helpful, do you want to go in the morning and then join us all for dinner which will be served at 2 it might be wise to get there for 1:30ish - would that work?"

Arlanymor · 30/06/2024 13:22

I don’t think this relates to your autism at all.

He requested/demanded/asked (depending on your view!) you to do two things:

  1. Buy the gift
  2. Join us for dinner at 2pm

If he wanted something else he should have asked for something else - he can’t expect you to read between the lines. How were you to know how long the DIY was to take? It could have gone on until just before 2pm. He’s being daft and somewhat inconsiderate of the fact that you have done him a favour because he couldn’t be arsed/forgot/faffed about.

rumnraisins · 30/06/2024 13:21

YANBU

Also, you’re doing him a favour.

I’d turn up at 2pm too!

Him being funny with you because you complied with what he said is OTT.

herbaceous · 30/06/2024 13:20

There's only one rude person here, and it's not you OP!

Jamieie · 30/06/2024 13:20

Join us for dinner at 2pm....I would be asking is that join you at 2pm or dinner is being served at 2pm. Then I'd make my own decision on what time I wanted to get there. But I'd be more concerned about why he's telling you what to do.

Itisjustmyopinion · 30/06/2024 13:20

I am autistic but I would know it’s rude just to turn up when the food is being served so I think YABU