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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is BU, me or DH?

88 replies

Saramiah · 30/06/2024 13:03

DH: I’m going to take DC to my parents house for 10am and help my dad with DIY, my brother and his wife are coming with their DC also at 10am, you can pop to the shop (because he’d forgotten to buy them an anniversary present) then join us for dinner at 2pm.

DH at 12.30pm: Where are you?

Me: You told me 2pm?

DH: Yes but it’s rude of you just to turn up for dinner, you should come earlier to socialise and be polite!

Now he’s annoyed with me.

I know I’m autistic, but when he says come for dinner at 2pm, that means come at 2pm, doesn’t it? It doesn’t mean “come at 12pm to socialise politely before we have dinner at 2pm”?

OP posts:
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YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 02/07/2024 17:39

Did he say ‘come for 2pm’ or ‘dinners at 2pm’ because they are very different.

In your OP you said he said ‘join us for dinner at 2pm’. That’s quite ambiguous. Does he mean ‘join us at 2pm’ or ‘join us for a dinner that is at 2pm’. I don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong, you’ve just both interpreted it differently.

Ponderingwindow · 01/07/2024 13:38

If he wants you there for socializing at 1, he should say arrive at 1.

saying come at 2 means arrive at 2.

countcalculia · 01/07/2024 13:28

Saramiah · 30/06/2024 13:17

According to him, any “normal” person (ie not autistic) would know that “come at 2pm” really means “come at 1pm to be polite and socialise before we have dinner at 2pm”. Is that true?

Even supposing he’s right, why wouldn’t he take extra care to communicate properly and let you know what time he’d like you be there?

FyodorDForever · 01/07/2024 13:23

When you arrive, please please make sure you say « Hi, DH asked me to join you for 2pm, I hope I haven’t delayed lunch ».
I have a feeling he meant 2pm when he asked you, but now that he is there he is thinking it would be best if you arrived earlier so is trying to re-write history. He might have told everybody that you are late!

fancystrawberries · 01/07/2024 13:22

My reply to

You can pop to the shop!

would be a simple

Oh can I..?

fancystrawberries · 01/07/2024 13:19

Saramiah · 30/06/2024 13:17

According to him, any “normal” person (ie not autistic) would know that “come at 2pm” really means “come at 1pm to be polite and socialise before we have dinner at 2pm”. Is that true?

No, that is not true.

pikkumyy77 · 01/07/2024 13:19

He wanted you to come earlier after he got there and he couldn’t do the DIY without his parents asking where you were and who would look after the children. His original orders were quite clear: you were invited at 2:00 and not earlier. Earlier activities were fir him and the kids.

countcalculia · 01/07/2024 13:15

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 30/06/2024 22:05

Tbf if dinner was at 2pm it is a bit rude to waltz straight in and sit at the table. I would come at 1 or 1.30 for a 2pm dinner.

Show quote history

Then he should have said dinner is served at 2pm, please arrive an hour before.

Quartz2208 · 01/07/2024 13:13

Yep he had enough wrangling the children!

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 30/06/2024 22:05

Saramiah · 30/06/2024 13:17

According to him, any “normal” person (ie not autistic) would know that “come at 2pm” really means “come at 1pm to be polite and socialise before we have dinner at 2pm”. Is that true?

Tbf if dinner was at 2pm it is a bit rude to waltz straight in and sit at the table. I would come at 1 or 1.30 for a 2pm dinner.

Branleuse · 30/06/2024 21:18

Saramiah · 30/06/2024 19:48

He did ask nicely if I’d go and pick up the present, because he forgot and he couldn’t do it himself as he had to go over for 10am. I didn’t mind that at all.

Equally I didn’t mind him telling me I could chill after the shop and just join them for dinner at 2pm. I thought fab, a quick run to the shop then I’ve got about 3 hours to myself without DC before I go for dinner.

What pissed me off is when he started whinging that I hadn’t arrived earlier than 2pm. “I said dinner was at 2pm but I thought you’d have come earlier to spend time with people, you’re rude and selfish”. Um no, I was enjoying having a few hours to myself as a reward for fetching the present, which is what we agreed.

With hindsight I think he got annoyed about having to wrangle DC by himself and about 12 ish he started to think “why isn’t she here yet to take the kids off me, there’s no reason why she isn’t here yet, she must be back from the shop by now and selfishly relaxing at home while I’m running around looking after DC”.

Show quote history

If he actually messaged you and said ' any chance of getting here earlier as kids are being hard work ' , instead tried to make you think you were being rude and making you question yourself, and even use your autism against you for it.
I think hes a dick for doing that

pinksheetss · 30/06/2024 20:28

I'm not quite sure why it wasn't just pop to shop for the gift then arrive once finished?
I understand the 'dinner will be around 2' just to give an idea for time but I'd probably have gone once I got the gift.

However in saying that, I don't think you are BU as DH knows you and clearly stated come at 2 which I'm sure he must know you would take to literally mean arrive for 2.

Original poster
Saramiah · 30/06/2024 19:48

sprigatito · 30/06/2024 18:33

So he tells you what to do and when to do it, sends you to do errands he can't be arsed to do himself, and is a disgusting ableist fuck who shames his autistic wife for being autistic.

Has he a solid gold cock, a Coutt's account and the cooking skills of Michel Roux Junior? Because if not, I'm struggling to see what's in it for you.

He did ask nicely if I’d go and pick up the present, because he forgot and he couldn’t do it himself as he had to go over for 10am. I didn’t mind that at all.

Equally I didn’t mind him telling me I could chill after the shop and just join them for dinner at 2pm. I thought fab, a quick run to the shop then I’ve got about 3 hours to myself without DC before I go for dinner.

What pissed me off is when he started whinging that I hadn’t arrived earlier than 2pm. “I said dinner was at 2pm but I thought you’d have come earlier to spend time with people, you’re rude and selfish”. Um no, I was enjoying having a few hours to myself as a reward for fetching the present, which is what we agreed.

With hindsight I think he got annoyed about having to wrangle DC by himself and about 12 ish he started to think “why isn’t she here yet to take the kids off me, there’s no reason why she isn’t here yet, she must be back from the shop by now and selfishly relaxing at home while I’m running around looking after DC”.

OP posts:
Trytobekinder · 30/06/2024 19:03

I am not on the ASD spectrum and I wouldn't "know" that 2 pm really meant 1pm or 12.30. He could have said can you come over at 1pm and we're eating at 2 pm.

Jamieie · 30/06/2024 19:03

autienotnaughty · 30/06/2024 18:59

@Jamieie her dh rang her annoyed 90 minutes before she was supposed to arrive

Yeah but I didn't agree with that, I just said earlier than 2. Like 1:30

autienotnaughty · 30/06/2024 18:59

@Jamieie her dh rang her annoyed 90 minutes before she was supposed to arrive

Createausername1970 · 30/06/2024 18:52

I would have clarified whether I was to arrive at 2 or if dinner was being served at 2.

But I am not autistic. I do have an autistic son and I can categorically state that he would have latched on to "2 p.m." and that would be the time he would be working towards, unless specifically told otherwise.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 30/06/2024 18:47

I'm NT and I'd have turned up at 2pm. I read that as he will be doing diy until dinner time anyway.

Icanttakethisanymore · 30/06/2024 18:41

I am NT with good social skills etc.

if he said - ‘lunch is at 2pm’ I’d arrive some time between 1 and 1:30 because I think it is rude to literally turn up as the food is being served.

if he said ‘turn up at 2pm’ I’d turn up at 2pm.

either way I would f expect him to be having a go at me, especially when I’m bailing his lazy arse out.

Justcallmebebes · 30/06/2024 18:37

I'm not autistic but if I was told to be somewhere by 2pm, I'd be there at 1.50pm

sprigatito · 30/06/2024 18:33

So he tells you what to do and when to do it, sends you to do errands he can't be arsed to do himself, and is a disgusting ableist fuck who shames his autistic wife for being autistic.

Has he a solid gold cock, a Coutt's account and the cooking skills of Michel Roux Junior? Because if not, I'm struggling to see what's in it for you.

FacingTheWall · 30/06/2024 18:31

In our family Sunday lunch is served at 1, and therefore “Come for lunch at 1pm” would mean we were sitting down to eat at 1, get there a bit earlier. Maybe he assumed you would infer the same sort of thing? Either way, you know for future occasions to check what time you’re actually eating if he doesn’t make it clear.

Jamieie · 30/06/2024 18:29

autienotnaughty · 30/06/2024 17:49

But 90 minutes early? I'd get there about 130

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I didnt say 90 mins early?

Mrsttcno1 · 30/06/2024 17:53

I can see what he means, he could have been clearer but if my husband had told me everyone else was going to be there from 10am and that dinner would be ready at 2pm I’d have just gone round when I’d got the shopping & got sorted.

autienotnaughty · 30/06/2024 17:49

Jamieie · 30/06/2024 13:27

If dinner is 2 then you'd arrive before this. It depends how he worded it.

But 90 minutes early? I'd get there about 130